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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Here is some unfortunate news. I think that I don't really like J anymore. I may need to break up with him. But how? It's been a while since I've had to do something like this and it's never easy. Maybe I will wait until the new year.1:46 AM
I'm still struggling with the idea of calling him. I think maybe I really shouldn't until I can say with some confidence that I don't want him anymore. I shouldn't call him because what if he has another girlfriend, or who knows, wife by now? How awkward would that be? I shouldn't call him because maybe he really would rather not hear from me. Maybe there's all this stuff that I'm just better off not knowing.
And yet the idea still haunts me. Even though it's been months.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
1:42 AM
Saturday, December 05, 2009
I've been thinking of calling S. But I'm not going to do it until I've sorted things out in my head.I don't really know why I want to call him. I guess maybe this is a sign I'm not over things.
Perhaps the strongest argument against calling him is that I really am in the dark about how he feels. He likely doesn't think of me a fraction of how much I think about him. I don't know if he really doesn't give a f*ck about me or if not talking bothers him at all.
Part of the reason for calling him is that really we're not on bad terms. I think he thought we would be in touch.
I don't know.
5:40 PM
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
He called me his girlfriend tonight... in conversation...He was telling me about a Christmas party he was invited to by an acquaintance. And he was told to "bring his new girlfriend"...
Guess that's me! Eeee!
2:20 AM
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Maybe I shouldn't call him until I'm ready to hear a negative answer to the question "Why haven't you called me?".1:14 AM
In the last week or so I've been thinking of calling him. I don't know why. Maybe a small part of me needs to be in touch. Maybe I want to see how he feels, but only if it'll make me feel better. Part of it is morbid curiousity.
But really - he hasn't called me. I have no idea what he's thinking. I don't know what he's feeling. Maybe he has a black hole where his heart should be. Maybe he really doesn't have a heart. Maybe he's as cold as ice.
I wish that I had all the answers.
1:08 AM
Comparing J and S.
S was a better kisser. And he was so very beautiful. Gorgeous smooth skin. Better cuddler.
J is better at certain things in bed. He's always hard. And he's so very sweet. And he cares for me more.
I wish I didn't think about S as much as I do.
12:56 AM
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The tears have dried... for now... and now I'm left with a bit of melancholy...This is why I think I'm manic. I'm so very low tonight... and just a week ago I was still on my vacation high...
I can't even begin to express how messed up the whole situation is.
I really don't know if I'll ever really fall out of love with S. How awful.
12:34 AM
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wow I am so prone to loneliness.In the car just now, had a mini sob fest. Because I miss S so much.
How sad and pathetic am I?
I guess it didn't help that I was alone, and also grocery shopping alone, and going home to no one, and it was dark. Christmas music was playing in the grocery store, which made me feel even lonelier.
But I really do miss him.
I don't even know what he's feeling.
But seeing as how it's possible that he was never in love with me really, likely he doesn't miss me at all. And seeing as how I was deeply, deeply, permanently in love with him - I miss him.
We haven't spoken in a few months now. What is supposed to happen next? Are we just supposed to disappear from each other's lives? And is that permanent? Is that what I want? What does he want? He probably wants nothing.
9:07 PM
Monday, November 23, 2009
Just got back from my trip. And I have the post-travel blues... It's always so hard to return to real life after a really fun vacation.J picked me up from the airport and had a coffee waiting for me, which was actually really sweet of him. We spent the entire weekend together. We ate out, we ate in, we slept a TON, watched a TON of TV and had sex probably 5 or 6 times (I lost count).
So now we've been dating just under 2 months. And I think he likes me a lot. Which worries me a little. Because I'm not sure if my feelings match his, and if they will be able to catch up.
1:45 AM
