tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26275802012-01-18T01:27:07.165-05:00Eyes Sparkle FlirtBoys boys boys.Pharmynoreply@blogger.comBlogger21191100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-1761702612084168912012-01-18T01:25:00.003-05:002012-01-18T01:27:07.178-05:00Maybe I'm being down on him because the last time we had sex was not good. It had it's moments of feeling really good, but I was in pain afterwards. He apologized profusely. But I can't help but worry that we're not compatible, and I have a hard time telling him directly what I want.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-44758408969313096022012-01-18T01:19:00.002-05:002012-01-18T01:23:11.666-05:00I just don't know what I'm doing.It doesn't feel right.Am I brave enough to be single in my 30's? Is this the right choice? I'm hoping I'll know more after our trip. Sometimes I just can't help but feel defensive when talking to him. Things he says sometimes just rub me the wrong way. And I know he doesn't necessarily mean it, but I feel a fight in me when I respond.I'm not sure I like the Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-20052226800412666952011-12-23T21:04:00.002-05:002011-12-23T21:07:35.926-05:00I can't believe how much I waffle about my feelings about NL. One moment I'm so sure that he's the one - we have so much fun together and we have so much in common. Then the next moment I think it's a mistake, or I just get irritated so easily with him.There's something that doesn't match up in us.Even though it's the worst comparison ever, I never felt this way about S. I just had this pure, Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-48142735873580099562011-11-25T00:13:00.001-05:002011-11-25T00:13:44.198-05:00I think I've put my finger on what bugs me the most about N. The things he says sometimes make me feel suffocated. Like I can see my whole life spelled out in front of me. And it's not what I want.
I'm terrified of making a move though. I don't want to make a mistake. And isn't it time I was less restless? What is wrong with me?
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-76882546835363470042011-11-03T23:18:00.003-04:002011-11-03T23:27:16.969-04:00What is it with me?I love NL... I do.But I'm starting to question the whole idea of commitment. Is it really better than being on my own?Am I one of those girls who can't settle down, after all this time?Maybe it's just that NL and I are not meant to be. To make it worse, it seems like he's 100% ready to be married.I'm kinda freaked out about it. Do I know what I'm doing?I get these moments of Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-59738948059852070752011-09-30T18:57:00.003-04:002011-09-30T18:59:19.822-04:00I guess you can tell when I'm happy, and that's when I don't blog much. And when I do blog, it's in times of trauma or panic.I guess I'm in panic.I just freak out a little bit about NL and me. It's probably moving too quickly. I worry about my ability to allow myself happiness. I also worry about settling just because I feel like it's time.I don't want to settle. I also don't really want to Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-45759551419638846452011-08-26T23:44:00.002-04:002011-08-26T23:46:55.170-04:00Am I ready? Am I really, really ready?
Is NL the one?
I think that I'm still a bit freaked out about settling down. Am I really able to let go of my singlehood?
At my age I should really be more scared of being single.
But am I really ready to be an adult?
NL wants to buy a house not a condo. I can't help but feel like I'm skipping an important stage of my life where it's like Sex & theEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-26119477333411226702011-08-12T23:51:00.002-04:002011-08-12T23:52:05.918-04:00It's funny how similar NL and I are. Despite our very clean cut images, we are super sexual and hot for each other.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-68931077702401309452011-08-08T21:42:00.003-04:002011-08-08T21:45:17.240-04:00I'm going through one of those stages I think. Where I'm not sure where my life is turning.
Things with NL are going well. But I can feel myself getting clingy.
And I consider that if things don't go well with him, where does that leave me?
Is it okay to be single?
I am realizing that being single really puts me in the minority now. I went to dinner with friends last night, bringing NL as Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-17886159751881432512011-08-04T21:24:00.002-04:002011-08-04T21:26:51.402-04:00The last two times I have had sex with NL have been amazing. Tender, but powerful at the same time. And I love him all the more for that.I can't help it, but sex really drives my emotional connection to someone. Maybe that's not the way it's supposed to be, but it's not something I can control.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-64398919478560074062011-08-01T01:33:00.001-04:002011-08-01T01:33:12.371-04:00I am approaching the three month mark with NL. I think I am confused. I don't know if I am just scared of commitment and just being self-destructive, or maybe things are genuinely not meant to be.
Here we are on this mini trip and I waver between being happy and freaked out on the inside.
I just don't know what I want.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-43347244240243527362011-07-29T00:16:00.001-04:002011-07-29T00:16:03.716-04:00If I want to see the world maybe it's time to brave it alone.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-82310455387991715962011-07-29T00:11:00.002-04:002011-07-29T17:02:03.984-04:00I can't help but feel invisible. Can't help but be freaking out a little because I called him and left a text for him over an hour ago and no word back from him.I know this is as little crazy but maybe he's not the one for me.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-70583549921325648522011-07-26T00:08:00.003-04:002011-07-26T00:13:09.271-04:00I think I'm kinda going through that stage where I'm back and forth between wanting to throw myself into this 100% and wanting to pull back. Like I'm manic.I guess I freak myself out too. Am I giving too much? Too little?NL is fairly sensitive to it too I think. Like he senses when I'm pulling back. He can always tell.I guess I'm approaching that 3 month mark. Is the fact that I'm even Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-60147624842060845712011-07-17T11:01:00.002-04:002011-07-17T11:01:52.856-04:00I just booty called NL. My heart is thumping in anticipation as I wait for that doorbell to ring...Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-27566458325737703512011-07-10T23:44:00.002-04:002011-07-10T23:55:03.098-04:00I don't need a friend with benefits. NL and I pretty much get it on whenever we have a chance.He loves my body. He loves my orgasms.It's funny because he doesn't call it f*cking. He calls it making love.But his rhythm is so fast, it feels like f*cking. It feels raw and exciting and amazing. Even though he tells me he loves me while we're doing it, it doesn't feel like making love.I HATE to Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-67717428768829138232011-07-10T23:42:00.003-04:002011-07-10T23:43:33.810-04:00Speaking about unfriending people on facebook, I realized M unfriended me. I suspect that he did this a few months ago.I felt like he was really lame for doing this. I even told NL about it.NL threw out the possibility that he's seeing someone new and she made him do it. That made me feel better I guess.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-68184617967782855832011-07-10T23:35:00.003-04:002011-07-10T23:42:12.399-04:00Facebook thy name is evil. I really hope this doesn't get me in trouble.A sent me a friend request. Then emailed me about it. I tried to blast him for what happened last time. He wanted to meet up. I said no, and said I was in a serious relationship now. He was trying to exercise the friends with benefits card. HELL NO.He denied ever unfriending me, and tried to say he was busy last time.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-71572941868212876242011-07-06T17:22:00.002-04:002011-07-06T17:30:16.697-04:00The thing about being in love, is the amount of risk involved. It's like holding out your heart on a silver platter, unprotected and vulnerable, and trusting someone to take it and not drop it. What a leap of faith.The thing about NL is that he has already taken that leap of faith. He was so fearless in expressing his love. He has told me repeatedly that he is mine. That I have him Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-41103373561436953192011-07-04T00:02:00.002-04:002011-07-04T00:09:38.607-04:00Just returned from a fairly blissful weekend with NL. I told him I loved him. But not right away...On the first night I made some remark about loving how he loved me. I wasn't thinking. I was mainly referring to how he physically handled me, I wasn't talking about emotions, but of course it came out that way (I'm an idiot). After that statement he asked me if I loved him, and I couldn't Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-18689315181922465792011-06-27T22:43:00.004-04:002011-07-06T17:32:07.615-04:00NL was standing naked in my bedroom. I told him he looked like the statue of David, except with an incredible hard on. Ha. But really, he's beautiful. Looking at him standing there, my eyes wanted to pop out of my head.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-87578568386149122652011-06-27T22:41:00.001-04:002011-06-27T22:43:06.190-04:00NL met my parents this weekend. By accident. We ran into them as we were leaving my house. NL was charming and friendly. It was perfect. I couldn't ask for a better introduction.BUT... if they had come 5 or 10 minutes earlier, we would've been caught naked lying around in my bedroom.Timing is a funny thing.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-43430589878211458782011-06-21T22:18:00.003-04:002011-06-21T22:22:06.216-04:00Despite how well things are going with NL, I don't think I'll ever be completely over S. Though NL is pretty much the closest I've come to approaching love again. I'm so close. It's helping me see everything with S in a different light.It's almost making me feel like I'm brave enough to talk to him again.Okay maybe that's stupid.But the idea is playing around in my head.I wouldn't want to talkEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-76300551556520595172011-06-21T18:41:00.002-04:002011-06-21T18:47:55.357-04:00A package from KB arrived in the mail today. I opened it and it was pink and shiny and battery operated. It was actually pretty cool.I messaged him to tell him it arrived like I told him I would.Then it became this huge back and forth over texting. He tried to convince me to have phone sex with him just one last time. He said that I made this huge impression on him. That he would always wantEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-30854887940920400012011-06-20T14:41:00.002-04:002011-06-20T14:44:27.965-04:00My period came yesterday. NL is the one that told me, because it started when we were having sex... I was pretty mortified because I think menstrual blood is disgusting. But he was so nice about it, and grabbed a towel and we kept going. It was good. We both came at the same time. And the fact that he loves me made it even better.He tells me that I turn him on so much. And how amazing my Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-24419842786856753682011-06-20T14:35:00.002-04:002011-06-20T14:37:30.721-04:00KB is still lingering on my mind. His package hasn't arrived yet due to the Canada Post strike (annoying). But I'm still surprised at how upset he was at me. Why does he care so much? We had at least 2 previous chances to meet up and he never followed through. So why does it matter now? Did he think I was gonna stay single forever so that he could always have the hope of hooking up again?Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-70193638882178501272011-06-20T14:32:00.002-04:002011-06-20T14:35:33.694-04:00NL told me he loved me yesterday. It was so natural for him. We were lying next to each other on the beach and I think I was looking into the distance and he confirmed it.I think I already knew how he felt, things he was already saying were leading up to it. And he admitted he had known for a while when I asked him.I wanted to say it too. I think I feel the same way. But I need to stew on itEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-30553757152904355502011-06-16T17:14:00.001-04:002011-06-16T17:14:48.336-04:00Just got off the phone with NL. We talked for 2 hours! We actually talked about some pretty heavy topics. We both talked about our most significant break ups and past loves. And again we talked about how much we like each other.
He was pretty open about his feelings for me. He told me again how perfect he thought I was. That not only was I really attractive, I had the personality to match. He Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-55103532854217080242011-06-15T17:15:00.002-04:002011-06-15T17:17:22.720-04:00I had to clarify for JC again about our break up. This is clarification #4. I can't believe how long it's taking him, it's become beyond reason. I think he gets it this time though.He did mention how much he liked that I had an innocence about me that was very cute.Little does he know... I am not that innocent.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-45399207799417447222011-06-15T17:04:00.002-04:002011-06-15T17:12:08.802-04:00Me and NL were lying in bed the other day, just lounging around naked. We talked like this for a while, not even sure how long. Is this intimacy?I wondered out loud to him if we should've waited before having sex. I wondered if it would be better if there was more emotion involved.I guess inside I was considering that S had previously been the best sex I've had, and a big chunk of that is due Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-75258745411585191332011-06-14T20:15:00.002-04:002011-06-14T20:18:49.267-04:00I think I am letting NL sweep me away...We're already talking about the future. In a vague way, but still we both know we mean each other.I did have a flash of fear earlier today though. Am I ready to settle down, no more single life?Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-42813227763089878062011-06-14T20:10:00.002-04:002011-06-14T20:12:57.389-04:00I told KB last night that I had met someone and it was getting serious. He was actually kinda upset, and trying to convince me to meet up with him one last time before NL was officially my boyfriend. I told him I wasn't going to do that. He even tried to get me to have phone sex with him, but it was late at night... and honestly, I had already been with NL just a few hours before.He told me I Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-41593274490298583482011-06-13T00:26:00.002-04:002011-06-13T00:32:40.309-04:00Things with NL are progressing fast. And I'm on the same wavelength but I'm still very apprehensive by how fast things are going. I guess I was burned by M.We've spent all our free time together this weekend.This morning he slept with me in my twin bed. I remember being in and out of sleep. Then at one point in the morning, we both opened our eyes and looked at each other. He took my hand Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-30342620856781092292011-06-12T13:25:00.001-04:002011-06-12T13:26:20.460-04:00I just ended it with T. It was hard, it took me a while to work up the nerve. But once I did it, it was easy. Because he's such a good guy.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-15575289237707611752011-06-07T22:54:00.003-04:002011-06-12T13:26:40.953-04:00So I slept with T for the very first time on Friday, then I slept with NL for the very first time on Sunday. Then again with T on Monday. I think this is as crazy as it's ever going to get. I lied to NL about the last time I had sex.I know I keep saying I will let T go, but I can't help it. I'm attached to him. I thought I would indulge myself for a little bit longer. That's probably very Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-75681275605899483902011-06-06T19:24:00.001-04:002011-06-06T19:33:11.054-04:00Okay I just let JA go. Progress.And T is coming in about half an hour to pick me up for dinner. I wore a cute thong for his benefit and I have every intention of him seeing it.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-37467151790558308772011-06-06T01:24:00.002-04:002011-06-06T01:40:19.351-04:00I brought NL home with me today. I guess when it rains it pours, I had sex with 2.5 guys this week. JA only counts as half since it was such a sad showing, and he never entered me.It was another amazing date with NL. It started off innocently. Went for lunch, then to the zoo. We snuck in some covert kisses at the zoo, and it just gave me tingles everywhere. For dinner we went to this ramen Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-26667437318639121882011-06-05T00:52:00.001-04:002011-06-05T00:52:49.515-04:00I'm actually kinda sore from all the s*x we had yesterday.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-224460584867650382011-06-04T23:32:00.003-04:002011-06-05T01:06:03.803-04:00I did get exchange some texts from NL today. He made some reference to bringing me to a restaurant he had tried, and I couldn't help but be very happy about his reference to the future.Am I not messed up? What is wrong with me? Too many boys.There is still JA. I think he has definitely fallen to the bottom of the list. We didn't end up meeting up today, he wants to reschedule for the week. Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-46195814436910066932011-06-04T23:27:00.003-04:002011-06-05T01:05:04.334-04:00I can't stop thinking about T. And our time together last night. It was so easy to be physical with him. I guess I've known him for a while now, and actually, this is probably the slowest I've ever taken it with someone. We're about three months into seeing each other now.I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about last night.It started with a kiss good night in my car. I was Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-76887500825804897722011-06-04T03:26:00.001-04:002011-06-04T03:26:08.698-04:00Brought my number up to the double digits today. Slept with T. He surprised me with how good he was.
He told me I was beautiful.
He tasted amazing. Like milk, but in a good way. Kinda sweet.
It was hard to leave his arms.
He actually reminded me of S. His attention to detail, his patience with learning my body.
I am realizing I am digging myself into a hole here. Starting to cross the line evenEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-12040804210880291772011-06-01T23:44:00.001-04:002011-06-01T23:45:16.058-04:00I might have fooled around with JA tonight. We went for dinner and he dropped me off at home and we kissed. I invited him in, just like they do in the movies.
But before going in, I awkwardly tried to tell him that I emotionally I wanted to take things slow.
In the end it was kinda disappointing. Didn't get too far.
I did get a chance to tell him that I wasn't ready for a committed relationship.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-47420405166987909072011-05-30T22:41:00.003-04:002011-05-30T22:43:07.278-04:00Dinner with T on Friday. Hang out with JA Saturday. Date with NL Sunday. The only one not accounted for is MT. I did catch up with him a bit on What's App. I need to pare down though, seriously. It's a bit much.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-46055806360988727752011-05-30T14:57:00.001-04:002011-05-30T14:57:33.545-04:00I still have butterflies. NL texted me today to say hi and that he had a great time yesterday. Can't help but feel super excited about him!
But then I think about T and I feel so sad. I think I know I have to let him go.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-12326513603820298702011-05-29T23:58:00.002-04:002011-05-30T00:02:28.192-04:00Just got back from this amazing date with NL. We did a ton of stuff around the city. I can't help but like him a lot - though part of me wonders how much of that is connected to the fact that he's tall and pretty cute, and has this amazingly smooth skin.At the end of the night, he hugged me, and we looked at each other, and I went in for a kiss... it was a peck really. Then he told me that he Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-54840064664159091632011-05-29T02:17:00.002-04:002011-05-30T00:05:05.883-04:00Maybe because I am thirty now I've finally got this whole dating thing down right. I'm no longer burdened by any sort of time frame because I'm long past what I considered my due date. So I had to let that expectation go.I feel like I've become a bit of a stereotype of a guy. Someone unable to commit. Who likes someone enough to keep them around, but not enough to want to marry them. Where did Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-73417968244513338622011-05-29T01:27:00.002-04:002011-06-16T02:13:25.866-04:00I totally forgot to call T back today.
I guess it's another sign for me... the fact that I totally didn't care to talk to him. I still feel terrible about it. I haven't seen him for a week and a half now I think. I tried to text him, but I think he was probably asleep by the time I did this - too little, too late.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-11354300038279459192011-05-24T23:04:00.002-04:002011-05-24T23:07:11.723-04:00I wrote on JL's facebook page to say Happy Birthday. Then he messaged me back... he wants to hang out. Seemed innocent enough. But his last message he ended it with "are you seeing anyone these days?"Why does he care? He has a girlfriend.I wonder if he fantasizes about f*cking me.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-53498504515010942092011-05-23T22:36:00.001-04:002011-05-23T22:36:44.273-04:00I should call T back before the hour gets too obscene...Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-40320475910330029862011-05-23T22:34:00.002-04:002011-05-23T22:35:40.745-04:00Did I mention I'm still talking to KB, the guy I had thing with in Asia? Caught him on chat just now... turns out neither of us have slept with anyone else since each other.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-39337228445818817152011-05-22T22:24:00.002-04:002011-05-22T22:35:28.357-04:00I think I'm really confused. Or am I just hesitant to make some firm decisions?Just to keep things straight.I've been seeing T the longest. I like talking to him on the phone, his accent drew me in the first time we spoke. He's older though, and maybe I'm not quite attracted to him enough. It may be time to let him go.JA I've been on three dates with. He's my age, and a pretty good guy. Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-75215165871809635402011-05-21T17:48:00.002-04:002011-05-21T17:52:04.666-04:00JC called me today. Again, just caught up for a bit. And it came out. He's still confused. I had to clarify with him a 3rd time our break up. Which it shouldn't even be labelled as such as we were never in a defined relationship beyond dating. We never held hands, never even touched or kissed. Actually there wasn't very much that set us apart from friends. He didn't even offer to pick me Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-20178152134736750612011-05-21T13:44:00.002-04:002011-05-21T17:52:51.370-04:00Had my first kiss with JA yesterday. It was okay. I was standing on a step and it was weird for me because I'm not used to kissing someone from above.I think I must have impressed him though because he tripped over his words afterwards. I take that as a good sign.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-43316513208786265922011-05-18T23:44:00.003-04:002011-05-18T23:47:08.957-04:00Just when I think I'm ready to let T go, we kiss at the end of our date. It seems each time we kiss there is more urgency and sensuality. It's just hard to reconcile those kisses with the man that I'm becoming less interested in. This time I snuck a teensy bit of tongue in there...Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-48308640426768152692011-05-15T23:22:00.002-04:002011-05-15T23:30:55.545-04:00Had my first date with NL tonight. I was actually sorta hoping that I wouldn't like him, so that I wouldn't be adding more to my plate.But... he was cute, in that wholesome way. Tall, but with a little bit substance to his arms, which is nice. Smiles a lot. Friendly and talkative, which works for me. We actually closed the restaurant. And he did that thing where he texted me about half an Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-2009165454788037432011-05-14T10:56:00.001-04:002011-05-14T17:39:27.733-04:00I shouldn't get too overconfident about how over S I am. Everytime I sit across someone that looks like him on the subway it totally throws me off. All it takes is caramel coloured skin, full lips and curly hair and it's all over for me. Almost came to tears. Almost.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-80090744992964256862011-05-14T00:24:00.001-04:002011-05-14T00:24:55.299-04:00Somehow I have become so much more appealing in my thirties. Why is that? Is it because I just know myself better now? Am I more confident, more sure of who I am?
Or maybe I've just grown into my looks.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-5078556664101351992011-05-13T20:42:00.005-04:002011-05-13T20:43:56.221-04:00The conversation with JC was fine in the end.We spent most of the time just catching up. And I thought that maybe I was off the hook for talking about the break up. But no... in the end he did bring it up. But he was a lot more reasonable than LM was.Though maybe I didn't do the best job. He was still sorta hanging on to me. He told me this:"You know where I stand. If you ever want to hang Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-4095334643047570382011-05-13T20:42:00.002-04:002011-05-13T20:42:25.484-04:00LM did message me yesterday morning to apologize for his behaviour. He thanked me for being so nice to him.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-14214232817076450562011-05-13T20:38:00.003-04:002011-05-13T20:44:17.900-04:00Went out with JA last night. Had dinner then walked around the area we were in, which was actually really nice. There was a trail and some bridges. At the end of the night, he walked me to my door. I was nervous because I wondered if he was going to kiss me. When we said good bye, at the last minute I went for a hug, and then he kissed my cheek. I felt so self-conscious I giggled.So today Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-40176934875503773892011-05-12T00:10:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:44:43.032-04:00JC messaged me and wants to talk tomorrow night. Should I be worried?
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-38240753712426246932011-05-12T00:08:00.000-04:002011-05-13T16:44:43.148-04:00I should stop dating maybe cause I'm starting to think I'm becoming a menace.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-79714645856268541402011-05-11T23:01:00.000-04:002011-05-13T11:53:33.863-04:00Oh my god. Just went through one of the most frustrating break ups ever.Went out with LM today. As he was dropping me off at home, he asked me if I had a few minutes to talk. I was nervous, but I guess the timing was good knowing that I wanted to let him go.So he turned off the car, and I told him how I felt. And thus began the 1.5 hour saga of talking it through.I didn't expect him to be so Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-79647847815381332942011-05-11T09:49:00.001-04:002011-05-11T09:49:25.123-04:00I think I want to be free.
At the moment I am still seeing T and LM and JA. I think I need to let T and LM go.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-66578046704824564742011-05-10T21:24:00.002-04:002011-05-10T21:28:44.024-04:00I'm realizing how innocuous S really is. Seeing him in those pictures, such fresh ones too, made me realize how inconsequential he really is.Maybe I'm just talking big and maybe I'll have a break down over it later, but right now... I feel nothing. I even feel a bit silly for all the drama I've attributed to this break up.In the end maybe all it was, was a relationship that just didn't work outEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-1949719452673639042011-05-09T23:34:00.002-04:002011-05-10T21:24:56.440-04:00Wow. Facebook really is like walking on a field of land mines. That's what I get for being friends with friends of S's. Guess they had a reunion last month. A photo album was posted online. I saw it on my newsfeed and there it was - a teeny tiny picture of the four of them - S and his best friends from school. At first I knew that I would never not be able to look at those pictures. But I Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-77980083557907417622011-05-09T23:00:00.003-04:002011-05-09T23:03:16.338-04:00Had dinner with T today. Saw him in his work clothes, he was dressed in a suit, no tie. I was feeling a bit eclectic this morning when I was getting dressed so I wore my favourite grey dress pants that clings to my ass, a sky blue tee and my skater sneakers. I could pass as a teenager I think.It's always nice to see him but I think it's time to start acknowledging that I should let him go. I Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-10374529578418371852011-05-07T23:54:00.001-04:002011-05-07T23:54:41.085-04:00Am I a man eater?Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-40147065977162981252011-05-06T20:43:00.002-04:002011-05-06T20:46:09.319-04:00I let JC go the other night. Just wasn't feeling the chemistry.Unfortunately I don't think he took it that well. I guess he didn't see it coming. It's hard though, I don't dislike him so I have no reason to not smile at him or respond to all his texts, and I guess this gives him the impression that everything is going swimmingly.He's also new to the dating game I guess.He told me I was fun. Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-79616754289186036262011-05-01T22:33:00.002-04:002011-05-01T22:36:16.907-04:00I like kissing T. Still no tongue... but I feel like our kisses have a lot of heart. Maybe because we waited to even kiss? Or maybe because I feel like he's really gotten to know me? That somehow makes the kissing seem more meaningful.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-91288115076314036092011-05-01T10:10:00.002-04:002011-05-01T10:14:52.585-04:00Had a first date with JA yesterday. We went for brunch. He was actually pretty cute. On the skinny side, and not very tall, but cute face. Darker skin and big eyes. It was a good date actually. We'll see what happens I guess. He lives far, and comes into the city on weekends, but we'll see how it goes.Third date with LM yesterday as well. We checked out a photography festival downtown andEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-75664089604816327712011-04-30T10:05:00.001-04:002011-04-30T10:05:56.374-04:00I love the sensation of being devoured. I love feeling a man on top of me, driving himself into me.It's easy to lose myself in sex.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-5871033573830562012011-04-27T23:19:00.001-04:002011-04-27T23:19:44.939-04:00I wish I could banish S from my mind. Wish that time would make my love for him fade faster but it's not. If anything it's making me blinder.
Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-45658727038814117762011-04-27T20:32:00.002-04:002011-04-27T20:34:54.136-04:00I can't help it. I still think about S way too much. I see him in my mind. I picture what it would be like to see him again.I still love him.I can't help it.Part of me knows that if I were to see him again, chances are it would be horrible. He would be cold, or married with children and happy. But I can't help but fantasize about our reunion instead.I still love him.I wonder how much he Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-2015748275428947802011-04-20T22:16:00.003-04:002011-07-06T18:10:40.997-04:00Had my third date with J tonight. We went for Thai food, then ice cream. I think the one thing I really like about him is how smart he is, it's easy to talk to him about smarter stuff. He's made it work for himself as well as he's pretty successful. And pays me complements me subtly, which is nice. For example, he saw an old picture of me with some other people he knew. The picture was 6 Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-45132904864811275912011-04-19T22:31:00.001-04:002011-04-19T22:32:39.797-04:00Finally gathered the nerve to tell T that I was seeing other people. And he was totally cool about it. More than cool, he was really sweet actually. So I guess I'm exactly where I want to be with him - casual, but still attached.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-17561444808058436202011-04-18T22:14:00.002-04:002011-04-18T22:17:56.265-04:00JL messaged me today. Which is funny because he's been lingering in my mind. Now that I've been dating, makes me see things in him that some of these guys are missing. Like a taste for cool restaurants and music. And his sexual appetite. And I kind of want him.We just chatted about random stuff, things that were new in our lives. And at the end he told me he had to go, but that we should Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-59402799711207696912011-04-18T22:09:00.002-04:002011-04-18T22:11:52.638-04:00I think I'm in trouble.I can't decide.I'm not attached to any of the guys I am seeing.I should stay away from old emails from S.I need to stop having web cam sex with KB. It makes me feel shallow and stupid. I will stop.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-64821574151422321632011-04-17T21:21:00.003-04:002011-04-17T21:23:17.112-04:00I ended things with KG yesterday. I actually had a hard time doing it, I guess I'm a bit of a chicken. I felt especially bad because the last time we went out he sent me this message:"I got home in 30 min last night & I did not speed. Thanks for the movies, the behemoth-abominable snow man sized mango juice, and the amazing company. You are worth the drive and beyond. Talk to you soon."Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-20027940192065469312011-04-11T18:47:00.002-04:002011-04-11T18:52:05.534-04:00At one point during my date with T yesterday, we dropped by the mall to walk around. We were just killing time before dinner. We went into Holt Renfrew for fun, well it was my idea. And I dragged him around as I oohed and ahhed over the purses and shoes. I did realize at one point he was taking careful note of the brands I was admiring.I guess it's possible he was thinking about the future Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-35609171152959133922011-04-11T18:45:00.001-04:002011-04-11T18:47:32.127-04:00Went around to view a bunch of pre-construction condo sales offices today with my parents. A few of the places really caught my eye, and it was hard not to get excited... until I saw the prices.This might be one of the worst things I can admit, but it feels like it might be easier to just get married than to go about this home owning thing on my own. :(Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-46991991378393779942011-04-10T20:16:00.002-04:002011-04-10T20:21:05.639-04:00Just got home from my date with T. It was nice hanging out with him, but in the back of my mind I was just thinking to myself that he's probably not "the one."Saying good bye in the car though... Hugged... then kissed. It was comfortable. He told me I had such soft lips. I told him I was glad he liked it. I really liked kissing him actually... there was no tongue, but it was good. And he Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-60203641940403121962011-04-10T03:05:00.001-04:002011-04-10T03:05:06.185-04:00I made the mistake of reading some old emails from S. I have them squirreled away in a folder. I don't think I will ever delete them. It brought back a flood of memories of how much we thought we loved each other.Well I definitely loved him. As for him... Maybe he was too young to recognize that what he felt for me was not really real. It was all too fleeting.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-36352123442681669142011-04-10T02:43:00.001-04:002011-04-10T02:45:25.357-04:00So second date with KG was tonight. Nice guy. But yeah I think I'm not into him. I feel bad though, because he did tell me that this date sorta made up for the bad weekend he was having otherwise. Aww. I'll have to tell him over the phone I guess.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-22931333786582799842011-04-09T19:36:00.002-04:002011-04-09T19:38:37.299-04:00I just want to be happy. I just want to live my life.My life hasn't exactly followed a straightforward path. I'm not entirely sure what the future holds for me. I just want to feel like I'm not wasting time or wasting away.I want to be out there.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-70551716802926213602011-04-09T19:20:00.002-04:002011-04-09T19:22:14.083-04:00Date with KG tonight. I think I should probably just be friends with this one. So I'll try to pay for our movie tonight.LM called just a bit ago to arrange our second date - we're meeting on Monday.I'm finding that I'm completely booked. Hopefully I don't burn out because I also have a heavy work schedule coming up! Two friends on facebook have messaged me wanting to set me up. This is kindaEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-53525164570030889402011-04-09T00:32:00.001-04:002011-04-09T00:32:37.247-04:00Date with JC was tonight. He's a very sweet guy. We ate dinner together... Relatively slowly cause I guess we were talking. Then we went for coffee, but that didn't last long as the coffee place didn't stay open that late.I like him, and I kinda always judge a guy by how he handles the bill. Brownie points for dealing with it smoothly and quickly. What was sweet about him was that he talked aboutEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-75879970219243923372011-04-08T00:19:00.003-04:002011-04-08T00:33:37.991-04:00First date with LM tonight. It was okay! He was kinda cute, and tall, which was nice for a change. But... conversation was just okay. Not that I expect instant chemistry every time, I was just running out of things to say. Maybe I'm not so good at dating as I think.First date with JC is tomorrow. I was getting kinda excited about it but my sister came over and rained on my parade. She's Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-1189747605229034632011-04-07T00:14:00.003-04:002011-04-07T00:15:54.362-04:00Thinking about my first kiss with T gives me butterflies...Though I think I've been neglecting him somewhat. I meant to maybe call him tonight, but I forgot. I don't even really have time to see him, maybe on Sunday? But I'm booked the next 3 nights with dates.Tomorrow is a first date with LM. Friday is my first date with JC. Saturday is my second date with KG.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-44439612673643711472011-04-06T23:33:00.003-04:002011-04-06T23:41:25.771-04:00Hmm... a random guy is flirting with me over facebook from HK. Okay he's not that random, I did meet him while I was over there. The one thing I can say about him is that we did have this moment of intense intimacy, though it was fleeting. It's not what you would think, it's was just one moment in a crowded club when our hands linked. And it was kinda amazing how our fingers just knew to Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-14654906169273020352011-04-04T22:54:00.001-04:002011-04-04T22:54:42.684-04:00On the upside, I did arrange two dates for myself today. One is with KG, a date for Saturday night. I think I need to tell him we're better off as just friends. I'm not really attracted to him. I may have made him nervous though. On our date last night he kept fiddling with his bubble tea cup long after he finished it.Then there's JC. The brother of the groom. Coffee this Friday. Maybe there's Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-63951075367718927062011-04-04T22:51:00.000-04:002011-04-04T22:51:00.901-04:00I still love S. I still can't escape my thoughts of him.Part of me just wants to sweep all these guys off. It's getting a bit tiring. And no one is really special enough. Am I cursed by S? Doomed to never find anyone that can live up to him in my mind?Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-43233082797020129402011-04-04T22:48:00.001-04:002011-04-04T22:48:25.570-04:00As much as I like T, it may not be enough. I talked to him on the phone for a bit today because I had missed his call yesterday. Unfortunately I found myself getting annoyed talking to him. Too many questions. It probably isn't meant to be.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-43168318651695856942011-04-03T23:30:00.002-04:002011-04-03T23:35:10.847-04:00So I think things with AN are pretty much done.After our date of almost sleeping with eachother on Monday, I messaged him on Wednesday to see what his plans for the weekend were. His response verbatim:"So I checked my calendar. Next two weeks will be hell. The next few weeks I am booked pretty solid through work/exams and weekend trips :-("I don't remember him saying anything about weekend Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-84241147605420639942011-04-02T10:03:00.002-04:002011-04-02T10:05:01.171-04:00Date with T last night... we went to dinner, then went to a golf dome. I had never golfed in my life, except for mini golf, which doesn't count.The dome was filled with the sound people thwacking golf balls, and then the sound of my giggling as T tried to show me the proper technique for hitting balls.At the end of the date, we finally kissed... Two small but kinda perfect kisses...Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-78281510440993157842011-04-01T07:06:00.003-04:002011-04-01T07:08:10.098-04:00The brother of the groom I saw last weekend added me on facebook. I couldn't help but get a little thrilled at that. Even with all these guys on my plate right now, the smallest gesture is still exciting.I decided to write a friendly comment on his wall, just to get things going. This morning I woke up to see that he messaged me back, again just a friendly message.We'll see where this goes...Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-65475513197885804402011-03-31T22:03:00.002-04:002011-03-31T22:06:43.079-04:00Uh oh. I think I feel myself getting insecure with respect to AN. It was maybe a bad idea to almost sleep with him, because I feel myself getting attached. I'm starting to wonder why he's not calling when a week ago I really didn't care that he didn't call everyday. I need to take a step back and take a deep breath.Well on the upside, I will be seeing T tomorrow. Going to a golf range (my Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-78748594252014706152011-03-30T23:19:00.002-04:002011-03-30T23:28:11.727-04:00KB bought me a webcam... he asked me what I was wearing. I had just gotten out of the shower. He asked me if I was naked... and I told him not quite, I had put on a lacy green thong. I was telling the truth (the thong was intended for AN's benefit in anticipation of our date).After that he bought me a webcam from Amazon.ca, and it arrived 2 days later.It's so weird that we're doing this. It'sEricanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-5219161514815552772011-03-29T22:02:00.002-04:002011-03-29T22:42:04.301-04:00Finally got a taste of the inside of AN's mouth... Mmmm it tastes just like what I remember kissing tasted like.I am still somewhat frustrated that things didn't progress further, but I guess it's probably for my own good. As much as it seems like I am trying to throw more and more of my virtue away, road blocks are slowing me down.Ericanoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2627580.post-2913733215140986752011-03-29T00:46:00.000-04:002011-03-29T00:46:00.337-04:00Almost made it to the double digits today. Almost. Went out with AN tonight. I was fairly hopeful for this night. I was somewhat disappointed that he didn't pick up the tab for dinner though. I had paid for our last dinner, and it had been really expensive. Either way, because I had a beer with dinner, I had to hang out for a bit before going home.Things took a while to get going. He wasn't Ericanoreply@blogger.com0