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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Friday, December 22, 2017
It's been a while.Just went over the last few entries here and it's funny what time and some perspective will teach you.
Ultimately I do not necessarily hold what happened between S and I against him. I do regret the whole thing. If I could go back, I would rather not cross paths with him because it wasn't worth it bottom line. I am fortunate that it is very likely I will never see him again.
My marriage with NL is not perfect, but it is certainly better with him than I can imagine with any other man that I've met. I would still choose him over anyone.
And as cliched as it is to say this, the real loves of my life are my children. I would die for them, my love for them is overwhelming and because that love is wholly and enthusiastically reciprocated, it is the best love of my life.
4:43 PM
Tuesday, January 06, 2015
So here I am. Married and with a newborn baby. And it's hard.
I really love my baby though. Bonding with him has not been an issue. He came out so vulnerable and beautiful that my instinct to protect him was fierce.
But really, it's so hard. Nothing can really prepare you for the sleepless nights blending into days. And the loneliness. My husband went back to work today and spent all of 2 of his waking hours with us before he decided to take a long nap. Then I truly felt alone. So of course I picked a screaming match with him when he woke.
It's scary how easily I can harden my heart against him.
12:34 AM
Monday, September 03, 2012
I obviously need more sleep. I think this whole S getting married is really not a big deal. It does leave a bad taste in my mouth, but in the big picture, it doesn't mean anything.
The best I can do is just strive to be happy.
10:42 PM
I really can't believe how f*cked up I am about this. But I did finally cry a little about it. Maybe it's what I needed for release. If only I could shed my memories of the whole thing through my tears.
I don't want to be that girl, the one who can't get over that guy.
3:22 AM
Maybe this is going to sound excessively melodramatic, but this whole thing with S has made me feel like life is meaningless. What does love really matter anyway? When someone can be replaced so easily, then what is the point?
3:13 AM
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Yesterday I couldn't deny that the whole thing was still bothering me. Maybe I can blame it at least partially on the lack of sleep. Experience tells me that being sleep deprived magnifies every emotion I'm feeling. I spent most of the day doing chores with N. In the end I did tell him what had happened. He was supportive and sweet, and did not seem discouraged by it. It is fading more and more. In the end I won't let it influence me in any way.10:20 AM
Saturday, September 01, 2012
Okay I guess I know what's bothering me the most. It's that I believed in Karma, I really thought that S would end up marrying someone his parents hand picked for him. I wanted him to accept it and be complacent but always a bit unhappy. Instead he upgraded. A more appropriate fate would have been for him to be lying in a ditch somewhere. I hope I never encounter him again.9:48 AM
Can't sleep.
Really and honestly I don't want to be with S. I wasn't happy and it would not have been the life I would've wanted for myself. I could not live like that.
What I will admit to is how I don't like how fast he got married. Maybe it's just that he beat me to it. But it does annoy me because when we were together he was not at all ready and he still seemed so young.
I guess what sucks even more is how unsure I am about NL. The idea of commitment.
3:46 AM
I nearly fell asleep, but not quite. When I realized all over again what had happened, it sucked again. Is it too hot in my room? My stomach is growling. I can hear my mother downstairs. I let myself facebook again. When will sleep come?
2:40 AM
I can't sleep. So maybe I have more on my mind.
I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not so much sick about it anymore, but it's still bothering me.
I wonder how they met. I wonder how old she is. I wonder if she's as sweet as me. I wonder how he could get married in such a short time. I also hope she's not as fit as me and that she'll get fat.
I can't help but compare him and NL.
NL is more open minded. He is more open to travel and trying new restaurants. He has better taste in movies but a worse sense of style. S may be in better shape physically than NL. NL is definitely more down to earth.
S and I got along really well. But NL and I have more in common. NL and I have similar goals.
S and I had really great sex. He is more intuitive than NL. But NL has given me more intense orgasms.
I think I can be okay about this. We're all just people anyway. Flawed. With our pros and cons.
In the end, I will maintain my bottom line about this whole thing. And that is that I wish S had just left me alone. I wish we had never started talking I'm the first place. That if I could take it all back, I definitely would. I would've been better off.
1:32 AM
Friday, August 31, 2012
So S got married. To a chinese girl. I saw it on Facebook. So this is really strange on a few different levels for me. I think the last time I even spoke to him was probably 3 years ago. Seeing the pictures just bring up the nausea and sick feeling I had when we first broke up. Why is that? Is it because of the horrible memories, or is it for other reasons? Why lie to myself? I hate feeling weak. And it's obvious he has yellow fever. And if that's the case, really MG was the first one. Then there came me. Then I guess his wife. She's very pretty too. Prettier than me. And bigger boobs. From the pictures it looks like they did an asian ceremony as well as an indian one. It's hard not to try to bash both of them in my head. I think about all his cons like the whole indian male chauvinistic thing, and how boring his life was, how I felt like I was losing my own culture. Perhaps she has the advantage of probably being from there, and she has her family to support her. I think about how he told me I was the love of his life. In the end I know the healthiest thing is to just let it go. In the end I know I'm better off. I was not happy with him while I was there. It probably played a role in driving us apart, but really it was one of many, many factors. I couldn't have lived my life out there. So I guess I will allow myself this one night to feel strange and sick. I want to be OVER it tomorrow. The bigger and more relevant question is, am I ready to be married to NL?11:35 PM
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Just when I think I've figured out how I feel about him, he does or says something to drive me up the wall. Is the person you're supposed to be with supposed to be this annoying? Is he supposed to piss me off this much?He knows it too. He told me once he feels like he's under a microscope. Which is true. And also not fair to him.
So what do I do? I try to get comfortable with the idea of marrying him and I picture him in my head and think, yes he's the one, we will be happy. Then I pick up the phone and within minutes he's totally irritated me and I just want to get off the phone. Is this what a relationship supposed to be like?
11:03 PM
