♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
♥
Archives:
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 *
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 *
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 *
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 *
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 *
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 *
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 *
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 *
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 *
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 *
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 *
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 *
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 *
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 *
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 *
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 *
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 *
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 *
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 *
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 *
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 *
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 *
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 *
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 *
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 *
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 *
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 *
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 *
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 *
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 *
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 *
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 *
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 *
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 *
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 *
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 *
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 *
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 *
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 *
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 *
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 *
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 *
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 *
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 *
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 *
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 *
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 *
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 *
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 *
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 *
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 *
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 *
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 *
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 *
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 *
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 *
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 *
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 *
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 *
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 *
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 *
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 *
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 *
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 *
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 *
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 *
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 *
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 *
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 *
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 *
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 *
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 *
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 *
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 *
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 *
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011 *
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 *
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 *
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 *
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 *
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 *
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 *
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 *
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 *
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 *
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Yes I'm obsessing. But I need to dump all my obsessing here - otherwise it would just float around my head, circling the hemispheres of my brain over and over again. Hopefully by writing it all down here, I can get it out of my head and let it disappear forever into cyberspace.I wish I could go back. I wish it had lasted longer. It was so surreal when it was happening, I didn't have time to let it sink in. I didn't have time to appreciate it.
Maybe that's true happiness. When you don't have time to think and be grateful for what's happening because you are just so lost in the moment. You just selfishly feel what you're feeling, without thinking that maybe you should stop and just appreciate it, because you just may not have it later on.
11:24 PM
I need to get my memories down before they float off into oblivion...
The first night... I remember unzipping my suede boots in the adjacent chair, throwing them carelessly to the floor, and getting into bed next to him.
Yes I am impulsive.
We kissed.
He pushed up my halter top... to find what he surely could tell was my bare chest under that thin material.
I remember watching his face. His face was not the face of a player. He knew what he was doing, but he still looked at my body with wonder. I hope I will never forget the look in his eyes.
He knew how to undo my jeans. I let it happen. And the flimsy yellow patterned thong I was wearing - it got pulled off (perhaps I would have chosen the pink one to wear that night if I thought anyone would be seeing it).
And the rest? It doesn't need to be written down. Words cannot describe.
12:42 AM
Monday, January 30, 2006
His skin was this creamy light mocha colour. His smell sweet and musky. His skin smoooooth...I do take secret pleasure in thinking that he was mine... all mine... for 4 days.
9:02 PM
God he was a good kisser. It was like we were in perfect sync. His lips - perfect. His tongue - perfect. We had a good rhythm - it was deep and slow, and then light and sweet. I couldn't resist. My face flushes just thinking about it. It was so sexy.
8:52 PM
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Sometimes when I'm home alone, it feels as though the house is breathing with me.9:54 PM
So everything is okay. Well as okay as it can be. My self-esteem is reestablished.
Now I can allow myself to feel good about what happened. I can refect back and smile about things now that their meaningfullness is confirmed.
However the sadness still sets in afterwards. But it's a different sadness. It's more of a bittersweetness and wistfullness. Before it was a angry and hurtful feeling.
We'll always have Montréal...
3:30 PM
Thursday, January 26, 2006
I have reached a strange new stage in my heartbreak.I have this flushing feeling in my cheeks. It makes me impulsively grab at them, to somehow stop them from feeling this way.
And I feel like I need to cry. But I can't. But I need to release!
And my chest still feels like it's hollow... and sinking...
7:32 PM
The world sucks right now. People are mad at me. People are ignoring me. I'm left with next to nothing.
4:54 PM
What can I say? Lessons learned. Tears shed.
What else can I do but turn up my music real loud and sing along.
I have no other choice. Otherwise I would probably barely make it through the day.
11:57 AM
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I feel heartbroken. Am I one of your casualties?I thought we were having fun in Montréal. Is it safe to assume that you've decided that it's over?
I still really like you. But if you don't feel the same way, please do me the favour of letting me know. Don't let me second guess whether you've received this email or not by doing nothing.
Regardless, I hope that we're still friends.
Erica
11:27 PM
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I feel like I'm just barely holding on to my sanity.And I thought I would never have to feel this way again.
But I guess no one is really safe from this.
Grief. Confusion.
11:18 PM
The thing about RGuy is that I knew that he would never break my heart.
And I guess he couldn't say the same thing about me.
Perhaps this whole recent experience is just my karma biting me in the ass.
Why does it have to be like this???
8:20 PM
I feel kind of sick. It's been a while since I've felt this heartbroken. This sort of breathlessness. A sinking feeling in your chest. A tightness around your eyes from just a bit of crying.
I wish I was immune to this sort of thing.
Okay so I got played. And it's okay. I just wish that he had the maturity to just let me in on his joke. I would have been okay with it. Why couldn't he have known that?
6:57 PM
Monday, January 23, 2006
If I could protect everyone, I would.Unfortunately, it's just not possible sometimes. People will get hurt, tears will be shed. I have to pick and choose. Decisions are made and there are consequences. In the end you just hope to not do too much wrong.
6:48 PM
Friday, January 13, 2006
Sometimes the enormity of what has happened hits me. And I feel... lonely.I lost my companion. I lost my go-to guy. I lost the one person who was there for me no matter what - who I could always call at all hours of the day and they would understand.
It's easy for me to forget how hard this is because I am so enveloped in school it absorbs all my time.
But it's times like this, when I'm alone and no more activities to fill up my day that I suddenly feel it...
4:46 PM
Thursday, January 12, 2006
There's no point in overromanticizing what I had with RGuy.Of course it's easy to be upset - and it's only natural. He was the closest I've ever come to being in a serious "for life" relationship. And it's nice to know you have someone. Someone to call every night. Someone who understands you. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone to just be there.
But I know in the end it was the right decision, and if we were to get back together, it would be a lapse in better judgement.
I believe that there is more out there. Maybe it won't be perfect, but it will be more. It will be love.
It has to be love.
11:12 PM
When I feel like I'm in control, I can be quite brazen.
9:42 PM
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
It makes me sad. I don't know what it is to love someone.Sure I love my parents, my family, my friends. But I don't know what it is to love a boyfriend, or a significant other, whatever.
I know what it is to be loved. And does that make it worse? That I was unable to love back? I had to break his heart.
Love is not enough though. Even if you have it on both sides. I have seen many examples of this.
8:57 PM
Monday, January 09, 2006
It's strange. How mixed my emotions have been.Numb. Angry. Bitter. Relieved (rarely). Overwhelmed. Sad. Lost.
But I think I'm okay now. I've pretty much gotten used to it I think.
11:30 PM
So I finally did it.
After almost four years...
And you could blame me for taking so damn long. But really, neither of us wanted to admit that something was missing.
So we are both set free.
It was not easy. It was definitely not easy.
2:30 AM
