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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, September 28, 2006
So...I got what I wanted. I struggled and struggled, and just when I thought I would fall, I was handed a break. The right circumstances that were beyond our control fell into place.
What I wanted was to spend time with S. To be with him. For two months. Two precious months. Not only can we be together, we will actually live together during that time period. It will be like our little love nest.
There is a dark side to this though.
Undoubtably I will become more attached. It will likely be even more devastating for him to leave after that period of closeness. Even if he were to get equally attached to me, he will still leave. I am starting to get to know him better, and the way he is. In the end, he will be true to what he has to do. His duties. He will fufill his expectations.
9:33 PM
Sunday, September 24, 2006
I was talking to my friend last night. And she has had problems with her current boyfriend, and will probably leave him soon. I asked her - Are you still in love with him? Did you just fall out of love?And she answered, I think it was just lust all along.
I thought about that. Am I only in lust with S? Do I still not know what love is?
12:10 PM
Certain realities are starting to become more real to me.
It's a little scary.
I cannot predict what will happen in the future. I do not know what life will be like.
This does not hold excitement for me. Instead I feel fear and uncertainty.
I know what I want. But I did not plan ahead. I have no back up plan. What I want, I cannot have. I cannot hope for what I cannot have. Hope only holds more devastation for me. I thought that I could be prepared, but I do not know what I feel.
Do I accept my fate? Or do I struggle, struggle, and fall?
2:00 AM
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
What started out as a bad day...First of all I was sleep deprived. And then I went to a lab, and got torn apart by my TA (ugh... probably failed it). Then I felt a little slighted by S when I saw him in the building and all I got was a head nod before he headed out the door. Perhaps the lack of sleep made me extremely sensitive. All I wanted to do was curl up into fetal position in my bed.
But in the late afternoon I got a call from S. I told him to come over (he only just left maybe an hour ago).
We just chilled and actually did some work. He took a nap - I made him dinner.
We also had quite possibly the best sex.
He was concious of my roommate next door (the walls are thin). So he went slow. And it was incredible... I never knew it could be like that. It was intense... I was trembling afterwards...
12:33 AM
I brought S home. Well my parents were gone, so I took this chance to show him where I come from. To show him more of this province other than the downtown big city and the ghettos. I wanted to show him the green. I wanted to show him my childhood room. I wanted him to see where I came from. My high school art, random photos... I gave him the tour.
We also had a really good conversation at dinner on Saturday. What was supposed to be a quick meal turned into something that sorta felt like an intense date. Where we talked about relationships and why we click. According to him, we click because we're both passive (I like to call it laid back). We don't have arguments. We talked about how it all started. He told me about him and his views. And we even talked a little bit about his feelings for me. :)
12:23 AM
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sometimes I am a mess of contradictions.Sometimes I feel so lonely it overwhelmes me. Other times I find I am way too busy to see some of my friends.
Yeah... this is why I think I'm a little bipolar.
3:56 PM
Thursday, September 14, 2006
He makes me so f*cking insecure. Sometimes I'm so unsure of what I am and what I mean to him.Other times I feel so confident and sure.
I think it's because of the different ways he acts depending on who's around. When it's just the two of us it's perfect. When anyone else is around... sometimes I feel invisible.
8:26 PM
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
What am I doing? Why am I here? How did it get like this? I'm so confused.6:19 PM
Sunday, September 10, 2006
I stayed over at his place last night. A bunch of people were crashing, so I couldn't wear the pjs I had brought cause they weren't very modest. So I borrowed a t-shirt of his to sleep in, and when I left in the morning I folded it up and gave it to him. This was the message he sent me later on:this morning when you left, i put on the t shirt that you wore last night cause i was too naked and i smell all girly
Ha. I love it.
11:54 PM
Friday, September 08, 2006
Okay maybe these feelings of insecurity only feel maximized to me right now because I am in this relationship with a man who I am insanely in love with, but who is not in love with me yet. Although he can be incredibly affectionate in a sincere way, he is not predictable. And I know he will leave me because he has to. And I have been on the other side with disastrous results (RGuy).So perhaps to get over it, I need to leave him. But because I know he will leave anyway, I stay with him. Because why give up a good thing while I have it? Even though it is not the healthiest thing for me, it will end anyway. So I am not doomed - not in the long term anyway. And this relationship has definitely got its up sides.
So that's my stance for now. And it's my attempt to justify my pathetic situation.
11:03 PM
Sometimes I worry that I don't really know how this life works.
Sometimes I feel incredibly socially inept.
I think it's my low self-esteem. I think it's my insecurity.
These feelings make me feel like I need someone to take care of me. I need a man to watch over me, take me out and make me whole. And I apologize to women everywhere for this. Because I am a cliche of a person who doesn't know how to be independant. I am needy. And I am sorry for that.
10:14 PM
I am miserable when not with him. Ecstatic when I have his attention.
I am lame.
I love to snuggle my face into his chest. I will walk up to him, put my hands on his arms, and smush my face into him, and I usually reach up to his chest. I love it. He's noticed this little habit of mine.
I try not to think into the future. That usually ends up in an automatic disappearance of my smile. It's like my spirit deflates. Sometimes it ends up in tears.
It's complicated. But for now - it is good.
6:35 PM
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
"Even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying."- Meridith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
12:07 AM
Monday, September 04, 2006
God - he's so beautiful, it just renders me speechless. It stuns me. It breaks my heart.I don't know if I'll ever get over it.
4:40 PM
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Spent the last two days with S. I always describe these nights as blissful - and it's because they are. I guess it's just more evidence to how much I love him. That every moment I spend with him makes me so happy. RGuy used to always tell me how happy I made him. And how the years we were together were the best of his life (this was while we were together). I understand now.I have my moments. Where I feel my heart sinking back into my chest. These are bad moments. It's when I feel terrified about my life. It's a weird sensation. I feel lost and weightless during these times. Like I'll float away and disappear.
Then I have my moments of acceptance. And just taking things "day by day" - which is S's personal philosophy.
I blame my hormones.
7:05 PM
