♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
♥
Archives:
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 *
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 *
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 *
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 *
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 *
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 *
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 *
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 *
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 *
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 *
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 *
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 *
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 *
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 *
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 *
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 *
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 *
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 *
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 *
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 *
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 *
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 *
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 *
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 *
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 *
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 *
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 *
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 *
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 *
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 *
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 *
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 *
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 *
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 *
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 *
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 *
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 *
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 *
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 *
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 *
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 *
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 *
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 *
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 *
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 *
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 *
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 *
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 *
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 *
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 *
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 *
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 *
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 *
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 *
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 *
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 *
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 *
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 *
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 *
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 *
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 *
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 *
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 *
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 *
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 *
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 *
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 *
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 *
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 *
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 *
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 *
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 *
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 *
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 *
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 *
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011 *
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 *
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 *
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 *
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 *
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 *
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 *
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 *
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 *
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 *
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Monday, February 26, 2007
Even though RGuy and I are now fond friends (when I say that I mean that I won't really be seeing him around, but we have a mutual respect and amicable-ness), I can't help but realize how messed up that relationship has made me now.I always compare S to me in that relationship. I see things that he does, and recognize them in things that I did with RGuy, and it makes me feel that S is just like the way that I was. And I begin to extrapolate my feelings for RGuy during that time to the way that S might think of me.
And I don't like that.
RGuy in the end was more of a friend than a boyfriend. I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't feel compelled to kiss or hold him. But I was in denial.
I don't want S to feel that way about me. I know the physical attraction is there, but how much of that is meaningful? I've observed in some males that sex just doesn't mean anything. They could have sex with someone they don't care about.
10:19 PM
Kisses are wet and soft... wet and soft...
9:54 PM
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Yes I am an angry person. But can you blame me?6:21 PM
Monday, February 19, 2007
I can't believe how hard that was to admit.And I guess what comes around goes around.
It was the same problem with RGuy and me, except the roles were reversed.
It's always nicer to be in the position of power.
So what now?
12:20 AM
I think I know what really bothers me.
And maybe it's not really that girl that I'm jealous of. She's part of it, but she is not the root of the problem.
The root of the problem is just the unevenness between us.
I know I am hopelessly, hopelessly in love with him. I think about him 150% of the time.
And him. I don't know where I stand with him. Sometimes it seems like I am important to him, but sometimes his actions really speak otherwise. Sometimes his actions just make me feel invisible.
And I deserve better than that.
12:12 AM
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I don't know what to trust anymore.I'm so f*cked up I don't know what is true, what I should believe, what I should infer.
Where do you find the balance between stupid and paranoid?
Why can't I just have an uncomplicated relationship with a man that loves me?
What the f*ck am I doing here?
5:54 PM
Monday, February 12, 2007
Okay maybe he's right. Being alone and away from home makes me over think things too much. I get in my head too much and it makes me a little crazy.But I spent a really good day with him yesterday. He was nothing but affectionate. He even gave me a gift for Valentine's day. And last week he gave me flowers for our anniversary.
And I am happy again. Reassured.
11:33 AM
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
I hate my life I hate my life.It's like f*cking high school again. So f*cking insecure.
My boyfriend doesn't love me. What the f*ck am I doing here?
My boyfriend held someone else's hand. What the f*ck am I doing here?
My boyfriend is leaving me in June. What the f*ck am I doing here?
I am too weak to leave him. Too f*cking weak.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I won't be able to breathe without him.
9:19 PM
Monday, February 05, 2007
Boys are tricky.I think guys are really good at separating the emotional from the physical. And girls are not.
Sometimes the way that S holds me... it makes me feel for sure that he must love me. But he doesn't. He's never said it.
But when we sleep together... he curls around me. His hand reaches for mine. And when I lie behind him, he grabs my hand to place it on his chest. And we sleep like that.
But I should not be deceived.
Time apart doesn't bother him. And him leaving in June doesn't seem to traumatize him the way that it totally crushes me. Is it that he is stronger, or is it just that he simply doesn't feel the same about me?
9:38 PM
So we celebrated our one year anniversary this weekend.
And despite all my whining (see previous post).... things were really good.
It was a good weekend.
We ate out, we ate in... we watched movies.... we had a ton of sex. We even had a bubble bath. I love sleeping with him - he just cuddles me and cuddles me. I never knew what a cuddler I was and how much I loved it til I met him. I cannot complain for lack of physical intimacy.
Though things are not perfect (our relationship has it's own unique little problems), if I just take it a day at a time, I think I will not regret it.
12:17 AM
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Why do I stay?I have a thousand reasons to leave him.
He doesn't even love me.
Isn't it funny that that's the thing I list first?
He's leaving me anyway.
He doesn't always treat me the way I want or deserve.
He sorta cheated on me once.
I do have one hidden card. What he doesn't know is that he was once my second choice as well. Although J isn't as classically handsome, and isn't as charming... he was the one I wanted first. I know at one time he was interested in me too, and even if he was the one I ended up with and he decided he didn't want me - I know he would have treated me right.
But it's too late now. And here I am, deeply in love with S.
7:57 PM
