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Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
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Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I just tried to call S... but the voice mail picked up right away, and I couldn't leave a message either because his mailbox was full...So I'm disappointed.
And I miss him so much. This is only getting harder. Which can only mean one thing... I'm letting myself fall for him.
And the fear sets in again. And I'm freaked out by how much I care.
I was going to write him an email instead... but cancelled it. I despise caring so much. I hate being so hurt by not being able to talk to him whenever I want to talk to him. Life is just hard enough without all that drama.
11:07 PM
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I guess I'm lucky.The man I love wants to be with me too.
The ride probably won't be smooth. And I'm still scared. And to make this work, I will probably need to make some huge decisions.
But if I just brush those issues out of my head... and just think with my heart... all I feel are butterflies...
9:33 PM
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I got the best text message last night:Hi baby. Just got in from my uncles. Wanted to return your call but I got your text right at dinner and then we watched a movie. I miss my little fatty buddha. I wish I was pulling your shirt over your head, unhooking your bra while kissing your lips, feeling your body close to me. Pulling down your thong and jeans all at once and having you naked infront of me. You removing all my clothes and pushing me inside you, both of us focusing on the pleasure until I collapse on your beautiful sweaty body. Holding you in my arms while we fell asleep together, waiting for the next time....
Yes baby, I miss all the amazing sex we had and sleeping next to you at night.
8:34 AM
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Yeah I'm terrified of being hurt by him. And I've told him so.11:06 PM
Terrified.
Why can't life be easier?
Can I choose S for real? I'm scared. What if he changes his mind? What if it doesn't work out? Am I able to uproot my life for him?
Part of me doesn't trust him to be able to commit to me.
10:49 PM
Sunday, August 19, 2007
You know what - I am not the best person to be giving out advice...I'm just as f*cked up as the next person.
So desperate and scared.
Althougth things appear to be working in my favour with S, I am still terrified. I am worried that I will be burned again. I am doing my best to be cautious. But I know that really there is no way to really control that. And as much as I want to be in charge of my own heart, I cannot reign it in. Maybe I was better off before. Before knowing that he wanted me again.
So what am I doing?
12:46 AM
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
I am lonely.I am in a strange situation.
I am taking baby steps. Afraid of being burned, but unable to let go... not if we have a valid chance of making it.
It feels a little heartbreaking.
8:54 PM
Monday, August 13, 2007
Why am I so tragic?I'm still so scared of getting my heart broken.
Like he'll change his mind (I've been burned by him before). Or something will happen to him. As if there aren't enough barriers.
How can I save me from myself and him?
6:14 PM
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Life is so strange.I just keep thinking about all the things he said yesterday. I had trouble falling asleep last night thinking about it.
I think that regardless of how this turns out, it feels good knowing that I have a piece of his heart. That it wasn't as one sided as I had thought.
He told me how his life felt complete, but he was just missing me.
He told me how he thought about all the memories we had. And that he wanted to make more.
He told me about all the things he appreciated about me. He told me that it was physical attraction that drew us together. And it was me that kept him there. He told me I was compassionate. He told me he liked how we could do nothing around his apartment all day long.
He told me he read my letter on the plane. And he almost cried. That he had this lump in his throat. And that he had thought he had lost it. He searched for it wanting to read it again, and finally it fell out of something.
He said all the right things.
9:20 PM
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Life is confusing.Week 2 of S being gone and I'm doing okay. But apparently he is not.
We've been talking on the phone. And today he told me. He misses me. He wants me.
He said all the right things - and he was sincere.
He told me I was compassionate. He said that we clicked.
He said it wasn't enough to hear my voice. He wanted to see my face, he wanted to wake up next to me.
He says he just lies in bed for like 10 hours and thinks about me.
I said we needed to think. He said he's done with thinking. I guess now I have to think.
11:57 PM
Monday, August 06, 2007
I always feel lonely on Sundays (well I guess it's a Monday of a long weekend - close enough).I miss him.
And I'm still confused by his affection and flirting.
It throws me off.
And is it inconsequential to him? Does it affect him at all? What is he thinking? Does it change anything?
Perhaps the smart and strong thing to do would be to cut off contact. But I really don't know if I can do that.
But it's bad because it gives me false hope. And it makes me feel emotions that I don't want to feel anymore.
5:47 PM
