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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
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Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Monday, December 28, 2009
I'm more f*cked up about S than I realized (or would like to admit). I started crying at work. Luckily only in front of a few people, and ones that care about me.S did end up texting me back. Which was a relief. But at the same time unsatisfying. I don't know what I was expecting.
1:34 AM
Saturday, December 26, 2009
So I did it. I called S. Got his voice mail, which I wanted, and left a message."Hi S, It's E. I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I hope all is well with you, and I guess I'll talk to you another time."
His voice mail message hasn't changed at all. It was so familiar and so foreign at the same time.
I had planned what I was going to say very carefully. I didn't want to outright tell him to call me back, but I definitely wanted to leave it open. I was hoping he would call me back. That's what the S I used to know would have done.
Now it's 24 hours later and I haven't heard anything back from him. Nothing.
And despite it all, I'm really, really upset about that.
I had my good cry. And now I feel kind of dead.
Next step: get in the shower and then move on with my night.
7:59 PM
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I miss S. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss him.I was planning on using Christmas as my reason to call him but it's coming up soooo fast. I'm not ready. The moment will be arriving too soon, and I'm not ready.
Am I just obsessed with some fantasy of him? Am I remembering things correctly in my head? I don't trust myself.
3:54 AM
Sunday, December 20, 2009
It's been a while since the break up now. So I think I'm feeling fine, at least that is what I tell everyone that asks. It's been months after all.But I think I underestimate how deeply hurt I really am. Today I was near tears in my car. I can't explain it. Perhaps working 7 days in a row and the exhaustion that comes with that has made me more vulnerable to my emotional baggage.
And my urges to call him have not gone away.
8:58 PM
Friday, December 18, 2009
Saw a girlfriend for dinner tonight. And it was really good. We had a good long chat about break ups and closure. I think I have more insight into my own situation now. I told her about my obsession with wanting to call S. And I think now I might see that closure is really over rated and maybe not even possible. She made me think hard about what my motivations might be and why I really need to talk to him. Well I don't think I know for sure what I want to do still, but I do think I can see her perspective.1:54 AM
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Maybe being strong is overrated. Maybe I want to be one of those girls who can't let go. Maybe I want a reason to be a little crazy and put my emotions and anger out there.My pride is what is keeping me from breaking down in front of him.
1:10 AM
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Perhaps the strongest argument against calling him is the fact that I just really need to move on. I think my inner inner motivation for wanting to call him is to give him another chance to regret losing me. I hate to admit it but it's probably true.9:10 PM
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Here is some unfortunate news. I think that I don't really like J anymore. I may need to break up with him. But how? It's been a while since I've had to do something like this and it's never easy. Maybe I will wait until the new year.1:46 AM
I'm still struggling with the idea of calling him. I think maybe I really shouldn't until I can say with some confidence that I don't want him anymore. I shouldn't call him because what if he has another girlfriend, or who knows, wife by now? How awkward would that be? I shouldn't call him because maybe he really would rather not hear from me. Maybe there's all this stuff that I'm just better off not knowing.
And yet the idea still haunts me. Even though it's been months.
1:42 AM
Saturday, December 05, 2009
I've been thinking of calling S. But I'm not going to do it until I've sorted things out in my head.I don't really know why I want to call him. I guess maybe this is a sign I'm not over things.
Perhaps the strongest argument against calling him is that I really am in the dark about how he feels. He likely doesn't think of me a fraction of how much I think about him. I don't know if he really doesn't give a f*ck about me or if not talking bothers him at all.
Part of the reason for calling him is that really we're not on bad terms. I think he thought we would be in touch.
I don't know.
5:40 PM
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
He called me his girlfriend tonight... in conversation...He was telling me about a Christmas party he was invited to by an acquaintance. And he was told to "bring his new girlfriend"...
Guess that's me! Eeee!
2:20 AM
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Maybe I shouldn't call him until I'm ready to hear a negative answer to the question "Why haven't you called me?".1:14 AM
In the last week or so I've been thinking of calling him. I don't know why. Maybe a small part of me needs to be in touch. Maybe I want to see how he feels, but only if it'll make me feel better. Part of it is morbid curiousity.
But really - he hasn't called me. I have no idea what he's thinking. I don't know what he's feeling. Maybe he has a black hole where his heart should be. Maybe he really doesn't have a heart. Maybe he's as cold as ice.
I wish that I had all the answers.
1:08 AM
Comparing J and S.
S was a better kisser. And he was so very beautiful. Gorgeous smooth skin. Better cuddler.
J is better at certain things in bed. He's always hard. And he's so very sweet. And he cares for me more.
I wish I didn't think about S as much as I do.
12:56 AM
