♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
♥
Archives:
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 *
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 *
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 *
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 *
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 *
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 *
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 *
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 *
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 *
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 *
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 *
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 *
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 *
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 *
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 *
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 *
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 *
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 *
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 *
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 *
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 *
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 *
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 *
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 *
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 *
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 *
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 *
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 *
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 *
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 *
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 *
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 *
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 *
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 *
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 *
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 *
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 *
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 *
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 *
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 *
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 *
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 *
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 *
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 *
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 *
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 *
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 *
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 *
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 *
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 *
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 *
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 *
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 *
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 *
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 *
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 *
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 *
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 *
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 *
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 *
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 *
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 *
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 *
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 *
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 *
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 *
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 *
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 *
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 *
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 *
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 *
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 *
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 *
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 *
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 *
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011 *
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 *
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 *
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 *
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 *
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 *
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 *
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 *
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 *
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 *
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Monday, August 30, 2004
Now that I've semi-made up my mind to break up with RGuy, I feel terrified. It's a scary place to be. Without him, half my life falls away. With him will go certain friends we've shared, with him goes a way of life for me. He is so incorporated into my everyday. Well I have about a month to sit on my decision before I plan on going through with it. So when the time comes, hopefully I'll be really sure it's right.11:41 PM
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Whenever I have "itchy feet" (my terminology for when I feel like I need to escape from my relationship) it usually lasts for a night or two, and then it fades away. I will usually be talking to RGuy on the phone, and then I can't imagine not having him, and the feeling fades away.However, last night when I saw him, I realized that the feeling was not going away. And that I wasn't really feeling that affectionate. Although I enjoyed his company, I didn't want for it to be physical. I liked walking with him, I liked talking with him and hanging out, but I didn't like him touching me. In other words, those this mean I want things to be platonic?
So does this mean I finally know what I need? Does this mean I've made up my mind about whether I can be with RGuy any longer?
Timing is everything. I know that he'll be really hurt, and I know he is really sensitive, so I will wait until he passes his REBO exam for work. I don't want to f*ck up his exam. The exam is some time in September. I also want to wait until after my birthday, since he is making all these plans for it.
It's been a little more than two and a half years. My sister has this theory that it takes three years to know for sure about a relationship. I guess that theory is sorta working out for me. But I will wait to see if this feeling lasts through September.
9:51 PM
Saturday, August 28, 2004
I am still imagining these different seduction scenarios in my head.My newest fantasy involves me imagining that he secretly likes me too. And that he's shy just like me. And he is also trying to figure out a way to talk to me too.
Though I do wonder if he really is engaged or married.
12:32 AM
Friday, August 27, 2004
I'm so shy. I have no idea how to initiate conversation with my crush. I just get excited when he makes a comment in my direction. And if he addresses me, in my head I'm just like "Oh he's looking at me!"I'm in total lust with him.
5:13 PM
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
The truth is, I can only flirt with guys that I am really comfortable with. Therefore, I'm not really able to flirt with guys that I have crushes on. Kinda paradoxical, isn't it? I usually act like a bumbling fool around guys that make me nervous, i.e. guys that I am completely infatuated with and intimidated by. But put me with a guy that I can be myself with, and the flirting just comes naturally, and doesn't really mean anything.11:12 PM
Monday, August 23, 2004
I'm eager to please. I dress more consciously now. I bother with make up. I watch what comes out of my mouth. I wait for him to notice me.11:35 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2004
I've been in an organizing mood lately. I don't know why. I'm guess I'm nesting in preparation for my having to stay at home during the school year for the first time since high school (1999!).So I've been going through my closet especially, and clearing away clutter and condensing my un-throw-away-ables.
And I knew that I had a ton of memories stashed in my closet. I was aware of them. But I guess to see and feel and touch them is another thing all together.
I've stumbled upon my diaries - tons of them. Dating back as far as 1995. I've discovered old sketches and pages of loose writing - ramblings, streams of consciousness, and unmailed letters.
I was quite manic in my adolesence. Perhaps a bit of a lunatic. Weren't we all? Or was it just me?
A lifetime of memories. I forgot about the details, and just now I immersed myself in them. How easily one forgets. Old heartbreaks, old hopes, old dramas... moments in time.
It's hard to believe that the person I was then is a part of the person I am now.
6:45 PM
He wears glasses. He is geek chic, complete with lab coat and glasses (which are inexplicably part of his appeal). He dresses well.
I imagine us going to the movies together. I imagine us kissing in the locker room. I imagine us in bed together. I imagine us sitting next to each other. A perfect mismatch.
The other students told me he was engaged. I'm not sure it's true. It ruins the fantasy.
4:57 PM
I have a huge crush. I haven't had a crush like this since... well who knows. It feels like I haven't had a crush like this since high school. I'm obsessive. You'd think I'd have matured a little, maybe become a bit more stable, since high school, but I guess not.
I fantasize about this guy. He's older. And unique. And we've never spoken. I don't even think he knows my name.
I picture in my head, dozens of situations where I hit on him, and somehow start something with him. It always looks so easy on TV. You see the seductress make some clever comment and give a come hither look. And in the next scene they're in bed together, or making out. The seductress just somehow makes it happen. How does she do it?
I'm ridiculous.
12:14 AM
