♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
♥
Archives:
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 *
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 *
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 *
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 *
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 *
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 *
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 *
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 *
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 *
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 *
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 *
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 *
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 *
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 *
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 *
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 *
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 *
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 *
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 *
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 *
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 *
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 *
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 *
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 *
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 *
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 *
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 *
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 *
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 *
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 *
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 *
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 *
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 *
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 *
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 *
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 *
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 *
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 *
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 *
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 *
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 *
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 *
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 *
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 *
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 *
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 *
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 *
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 *
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 *
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 *
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 *
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 *
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 *
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 *
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 *
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 *
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 *
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 *
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 *
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 *
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 *
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 *
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 *
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 *
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 *
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 *
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 *
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 *
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 *
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 *
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 *
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 *
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 *
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 *
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 *
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011 *
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 *
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 *
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 *
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 *
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 *
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 *
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 *
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 *
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 *
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, December 30, 2004
I think I'm back at square one. Unsure of anything I thought I had decided. Unsure of what will make me happy.I can't trust anything I feel. Feelings ebb and flow. Feelings never look the way you thought it should. I can't trust any of it. I don't think I know anything.
So should I sit back and wait til I'm more sure? When will that come? Is it just an excuse for inertia?
4:36 AM
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
I wish life came with a manual. One that told you what to do. And when the perfect time to do it was. This manual would keep things running smoothly. This manual would prevent you from doing any irreversible damage.10:58 PM
I'm just hungry for information. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wonder how he's spending his time and with who.
1:17 AM
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
I think I might be depressed. Or maybe it's caffienne withdrawal without the headaches.I just sit in my room. Listen to music. I run out of things to do on the internet. TV doesn't really interest me. I don't even feel like watching one of the many movies we own. I open MSN, but I don't stay online long, depending on who is on. I just sit. I sorta feel like sleeping, but I know I had more than enough sleep the night before.
Maybe it really is caffienne withdrawal.
5:08 PM
I don't know this guy. I don't know this guy.
Maybe if I keep repeating it to myself, I will eventually realize the truth behind it.
What are few looks? Nothing. People look at eachother everyday. If I saw anything else behind those looks, it must have been my imagination. Though part of me believes that there was something there. That there was some sort of communication there. Do I know a look that is more than a look when I see it?
If I were to get to know this guy, what if he ended up being a total jerk? He could be snobby, obnoxious, insensitive, lame, cocky, or mean. Qualities I abhor. He might find qualities he doesn't like in me. He might not appreciate my geekiness, my clumsiness, my occasional flakiness, my tendency to get overexcited, my extreme sensitivity.
I'm really frustrated with myself. I roll my eyes at myself everyday.
What if he were totally perfect? What if he was totally sweet, if he matched my own values, if he was funny, down to earth and friendly. And he loved that I was sweet, sensitive and fiercely individual? What if??????? Ah now that I spell it out for myself, I can see the total implausibility of it all.
4:14 PM
I think it might be time for me to get over this.
The more and more I obsess over it, the more I doubt what I saw. The more it seems that it must have been rooted in my imagination rather than reality.
And I've told a few people now in my need for information. I needed to talk about it. But I think it's reached that point where I should be embarassed.
Alicia Key's "You don't know my name" should be my anthem. I don't think he knows my name.
12:24 AM
Monday, December 20, 2004
I want to do something. But what?I don't want to seem strange. I don't want to seem like a stalker. I don't want to seem psychotic. I don't want to seem too excitable (I've been accused of this one before).
But I don't want to sit around and let this one fade away.
But what if there really wasn't anything there? Was it my imagination? Was it my overexcitement?
I do have his email from the student directory.
I could email him. I could try to add him to my MSN list.
Would that be too much? Would that be any of the things I already mentioned? Would it be realy inappropriate?
I've been thinking about it. I would just write something short. And see if he responds. I would make it somewhat neutral.
I don't know if I have the nerve to do anything like that though.
5:02 PM
Sunday, December 19, 2004
Still moping...This is an SOS. I need help. I need satisfaction. I need hope.
2:30 AM
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Still moping...5:25 PM
Friday, December 17, 2004
I'm really bummed.The good news is that I saw him again. And he saw me.
The bad news is that the moment was too quick. Too abrupt. And then over all too quickly.
The worse news is that it is probably the last time I'll see him.
I'm just really tired. And feeling sad and kinda heartbroken.
I swear there was something there. I swear it was there.
10:59 PM
I have this daydream (fantasy is too scary a word) where I bump into him. And we start talking. I'll think of some brilliant not-trying-too-hard thing to say to him, like "How were your exams?" or something. Once the conversation starts our mutual attraction will be obvious and confirmed. Then we will agree to keep in touch, to get to know each other better. And then the rest will be history.
1:01 AM
Thursday, December 16, 2004
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this guy. I don't even know him. I don't know what he's like. I don't know the sound of his voice. The only thing I know is what I see in his eyes when I've caught him looking at me. That's all I know. And it might not even be real.2:11 PM
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
I'm so obsessed.I think I may be descending into classic scary stalker behaviour. Like I looked up where he lived in the student directory. And I tried to google him, but I guess his name is pretty common. I stared at pictures of him from a student event.
I am totally aware of how sad my behaviour is. My excuse is that it's exam time, and I am going crazy with cabin fever. So I'm allowed to be a little scary.
So is this going to be one of those crushes that peak and then go away? It will be unresolved, unconsummated, but at the same time, I won't care anymore because I will have moved on.
I hope not. I want this one to be consummated.
Okay back to dreamland.
2:21 AM
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Do you think of me?Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Revealing glances, do they
Exist in my mind only?
You seem to feel it
Or is it really just me
Under it all, I think it isn't
Try to see me
Open your eyes
Make me yours
Obsession is mine
Venture towards me
Enter my world
11:52 PM
Monday, December 06, 2004
If I was your girlThe things I'd do to you...
But I'm not
So I can't
And I won't...
But if I was your girl...
8:40 PM
So I am obsessed with someone again. And whenever this happens I just blog about it, and hopefully it will pass. Or be fulfilled?
I've never spoken to him. Or even heard his voice. But I don't think I'm imagining things. The handful of times I've seen him, I'm pretty sure I've caught a look in his eyes. An attraction. At first I didn't care, it didn't mean anything to me. But I guess as I've contemplated it more, I am more and more interested, so interested, it has become an obsession.
And of course he is unreachable. The way the timing has worked out, I'm not likely to ever see him again.
7:38 PM
