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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, June 15, 2006
It depresses the hell out of me to hear S talk about his future.We were on the phone tonight and he was telling me about his summer job and job offers he was getting for after he graduates. He was telling me about where he plans on living (close to his family, in his home province).
It was painful for me to hear it. Because it means a future with absolutely no room for me. Not even the remotest possibility. I didn't tell him that in so many words.
I told him that I don't like to think about the future. Cause it feels like closing doors. It feels like one big locked door.
So what I am doing here? What am I doing? Why can't I let go? Why am I so f*cking weak?
I don't want to let go. He is not helping with his emails and phone calls that make me ecstatically happy. It is not helping that I think about him constantly. Like f*cking constantly. I obsess over him. I think about sex with him constantly. I think about life with him in the fall. I think about his jawline, his eyelashes. I think about his smooth dark skin.
I hate myself.
Why do I have no self-esteem? Why I am so insecure? It's like f*cking high school all over again.
9:52 PM
