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e y e s
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b l o g
Monday, June 12, 2006
What am I doing?Am I being self destructive?
Do I know how to live my life?
Am I stupid for holding on to S?
I responded tonight to his email... and I loved his email. But what I can't help but notice is that his connection to me is a mostly sexual one. He misses sex. His email essentially reminisces over our memorable sexual encounters. He calls me sexy and hot.
And of course I miss sex too. But I also miss him because I love him. Oh god. Why are women built in with this whole sex-love connection? Vivian Green sings that she can separate the two - and I'd like to know how she does that. Cause I thought I could - but I can't. To further my point, I didn't love RGuy and therefore I never wanted to have sex with him.
My sexuality with S is part of how I express my affection for him.
Does it work that way for him at all? At least even a little bit?
So what am I doing?
But am I strong enough to be on my own? I am essentially doing that right now. I am just holding on to this phantom of a boyfriend, who is just a concept... his physical person is across the country.
My head wants to implode on itself.
My heart wants to die.
11:18 PM
