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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
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f l i r t
b l o g
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Things I want to say but can't:Dear RGuy,
I don't understand why you had to resort to bashing me to get over me.
I don't know why you let your friends call me hoe, slut, and skank.
If we were best friends for four years, how can you just do that to me when you know it's not true?
Erica
7:29 PM
Showers with another person are really hot.
There's nowhere to hide - there you are, under the glaring lights in the bathroom.
Then there's skin... wet skin. So sexy. And the steam rising. And kisses under the stream of the warm water. There's nothing like it - well, except, kissing in the rain I guess!
I crave it now...
12:11 AM
Saturday, February 25, 2006
My life is a f*cking soap opera.I went out to a club last night with S and a bunch of friends in our class for someone's birthday.
Now imagine the worst possible thing that could happen.
RGuy and all his friends (that were my friends too when we were going out) were all there.
Oh awkwardness.
There was some serious drama going on.
I think S felt defensive, like he needed people to have his back. But I knew it wasn't going to be like that.
None of his friends would even look at me. Except the girls. But that was hard. And so unfair. I am being ostracized by them, even though there are those among them that have done way worse than me.
I went up to RGuy (first time seeing him since we actually broke up), and we made nervous small talk. Things seemed alright. And I didn't see him again until the end of the night.
I was in line waiting with S to get our jackets from the coat check. The music was still thumping, and I had my arms around S's neck, dancing with him. And then I see RGuy right there. Oh god - what horrible timing. I hadn't seen him, and I wouldn't have flaunted my relationship with S right in front of him if I had known.
So RGuy pulled me aside asking if he could talk to me. I gave my coat check ticket to S and followed RGuy. We went to some seats on the other end of the floor. And he put his head in his hands and cried. We didn't even speak for a few minutes because he was crying. Right there in the club.
But when he finally did stop crying, we spoke. And actually it was okay. Considering. I was able to get some stuff off my chest too.
I could see S waiting for me with our jackets on the other side of the floor. And I have to admit, he looked damn sexy standing there waiting for me. He was watching the dancers on the floor below. I'm not sure he could see me.
So I think things are still okay with RGuy. And we decided to leave things as they were.
But I still felt like sh*t all day today.
5:53 PM
He calls me "sexy girl" and "babe." And I eat it all up. I love it.
1:41 PM
Friday, February 24, 2006
I'm crazy about him.11:28 AM
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I have to admit, I haven't really been thinking of RGuy that much since our break up. And I'll tell you exactly why. And it's not really because of S.It's because it's easy to be distracted by school. Once I started the winter term, which was a week or 2 after the break up, I was totally immersed into that life.
I was back in my downtown apartment. I was surrounded by my school friends - friends I got to know on my own without RGuy. I was so busy with school extra curriculars and work, exams, assignments, seminars. Then I went to my conference in Montreal, which is where I hooked up with S. School is pretty much a whole other world without RGuy.
But I know, that the minute the school term is done, and I've moved back home, that's when I will feel it. The summer is when I would spend way more time with RGuy. S will return back home, which is in a completely different province - he may as well be living on the moon.
The loneliness will kick in.
Today for the first time I missed RGuy. I sort of felt this lurch in my heart. I was looking at photos of him on some website, and that's when it hit me. So I'm not a completely heartless bitch. I have a heart.
12:40 PM
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
I know he's supposed to be the baby of the relationship, but sometimes he says things that are so logical and mature that it surprises me. Sometimes I can be irrational (e.g. "Screw the rubber!" - I'm stupid when I really want something), but he logics it out for me - and it's moments like this that I feel like he's the big kid and I'm the little kid.I used to say that there were pros and cons to dating younger or older guys. Younger guys may be inexperienced, but they will treat you like a goddess. Older guys may not be as fun, but they know what they're doing, and they make you feel taken care of.
Well S does that for me, even though I'm a few years older than him. I feel like he takes care of me. He'll ask me things like am I cold, or do I need a drink, or is he squishing me. Also, he fixes things for me. The clasp of my purse fell off, and I tried to fix it myself by using a card to try to turn the screws back in but it broke again. So S fixed it for me using his keys, and it held together much better after he fixed it. How hot is that? It's a huge turn on to have him do things for me like that. And he noticed the clasp on my jacket zipper was broken off and he started brainstorming ways to fix it for me. So yeah - I feel taken care of.
5:02 PM
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
In some ways, this thing with S is mirroring some of my other past relationships.Just like Tim, S is three years younger than me. And so far both relationships have been very physical. And also, both guys have been very sweet, but the maturity to back up those actions and to follow through with them just may not be there, although these actions are sincere. Both guys are on the sorta goofy side too.
And then, just like RGuy, S got scared off at the beginning but then came back to me within a week. And just like RGuy, S seems to be impressed with my "appetite". Oh yeah not to mention the slight sexual dysfunction they both suffer from. By the way that's not a problem - it just takes a bit of patience and motivation to fix it. And also, I was the first for both.
That's it - I wish based on these patterns I could predict where this thing with S is headed. If it's like Tim, things will fade in about three months, and I'll break up with him first out of fear, or rather to beat him to the punch. And I'll be heartbroken. But when we see each other later there will always be this underlying attraction and affection.
If it's like RGuy, he will fall in love with me. He will get to know me "better than I know myself." Hey you never know!
Of course, who knows what will really happen...
2:25 AM
Monday, February 20, 2006
I had the most blissful Saturday with S. It was the first time we could hang out without that little nagging voice telling us that we should be studying.It was like our own little honeymoon. ;)
12:00 AM
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I finally see the appeal of flavoured condoms. Before I always thought that they were sorta gross cause I would never put one of those things in my mouth anyway. But I got one at a health fair, and when stuck with nothing else, I used it.It was grape flavoured, and it actually smelled pretty good! And afterwards my hands smelled like grape (even after I had washed my hands). I think that's a nice alternative to the latex/spermicide smell regular condoms usually leave behind.
11:57 PM
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Spent another blissful night with S last night.I made him pinky swear that he would always be straight with me.
And he did - he said "That's easy. I can do that."
I told him why I was making him pinky swear. And I was satisfied with his response.
I think things are good. They're really good actually.
Happy Valentine's everyone.
8:38 PM
Monday, February 13, 2006
Is what I'm doing stupid? Am I just setting myself up to get hurt?I always thought that I was able to separate lust and my heart. But can I really? I don't know. Who knows how to do that? Can you teach me?
Should I get out now? But I'm having too much fun.
Am I able to do that though? Just have fun, without expectations.
Well I should have expectations. Expectations that it will end once the school year finishes. And then I'll be set free again. Can I do that? Am I able to handle that?
I don't ever want to feel heartbroken again...
1:09 AM
Sunday, February 12, 2006
When I know that I am not a bad person, it is not an easy thing to be the bad guy.I'm the one that broke his heart. I'm the one that was able to move on relatively easily. I'm the one with a million distractions like school, and council, and conferences. I'm the one who was able to find happiness in another man so quickly (disclaimer: I realize that S and I will not last past a few months at most, at least not without a miracle).
None of these things are wrong.
Or are they?
Have I done wrong?
I don't know if it makes sense to punish myself for RGuy. Should I have told S it was too soon, when it was not for me?
So RGuy was really angry with me. And it looks bad. Fine. I guess.
I am not used to being the bad guy. And it doesn't sit well too with me. It is an uncomfortable feeling.
8:39 PM
When he's in the same room as me, whether it be my bedroom or a classroom filled with 200 people, there might as well be an elephant in the room. I can't ignore him. My eyes will follow him.
11:36 AM
Saturday, February 11, 2006
It's still hot...Granted it's been only a month, so we're still in that honeymoon stage. We still want each other so much.
I can still smell him on my skin - it makes my breath catch. And I'm sure my lips are all swollen...
8:56 PM
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I'm so f*cking vulnerable - I hate it.The thing with RGuy is that I always knew I was safe.
But now, this guy has the upper hand. And that makes me insecure as hell.
At the same time, he's becoming a little less scary now. And I told him so. The whole thing is becoming a little more normal now, and a little less surreal. I've noticed that he uses a soft voice with me - it's sweet. And even when he speaks to my friends, I can tell he's trying so hard, and maybe even a little shy.
11:33 PM
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I am so beyond giddy! Every look, every movement - it's all loaded with meaning.I am not normally so insecure, but just something about this guy...
3:57 PM
Monday, February 06, 2006
I just want to shout it from the rooftops. I am with this beautiful, beautiful man. He likes me!7:29 PM
Sunday, February 05, 2006
From a dream to reality.The transition is strange.
Do I feel different? Did I ever think that this would happen?
It started as this blurry, seen-through-rose-coloured-glasses landscape. And then it all disappeared.
And now? I went to sleep with him in my bed last night, and when I woke up he was still there. And he wasn't going anywhere. I touched his skin, and I luxuriated in his arms. We looked at eachother in the sobering daylight - and he smiled this incredibly contented smile at me. This was my reality this morning.
4:15 PM
Apparently I am very transparent.
Well I guess I always knew this. I am incapable of being anything but genuine. It lends itself to my sweetness and naivete.
I've had more than just a few guys tell me that they know me better than I know myself. In those words exactly too.
And most recently - "I know you."
So no mysteries here - what you see is what you get.
4:13 PM
Friday, February 03, 2006
So I got what I wanted. :)Perhaps I am not on my best behaviour. But I am so happy right now (perhaps it's all an illusion?), I just don't care. I am not doing anything technically wrong, but jeez I still seem to be pissing off a lot of people.
Maybe it's just infatuation or lust, but part of it feels just so sweet. Only time will tell.
12:09 AM
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
That night. That fateful night.We were dancing. His hands on my hips. Somehow his fingers found his way intertwined into mine.
At some point, I was turned around - facing him.
It's really a blur. I wish I remembered more.
I remember bringing my face closer to his. Then I would draw back, smiling at him. I was teasing him.
Was I sure of what I was doing? Did I know what I was doing? Did I know that I was going to do it? Or was I just daring myself? What was he thinking? It really felt like it was all a dream.
And I don't know what the breaking point was...
The next time I brought my face closer to his - I went in for it. I kissed him. And he kissed me back.
And that's how it all started...
10:37 PM
Because of all this recent drama in my life, all involving members of the opposite sex... I have come to really, really appreciate my friends. Although I don't usually blog about anything other than drama/boys/sex, it's only because I am only ever inspired to write about these things. It doesn't mean that my life is all about boys, it just means that boys are just my main muse for writing (yes I have a life outside of my writing).
So I love all my friends. Happy early Valentine's day to my friends. They are the ones who stick with you through it all. Who lend an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. They are the ones I can always have fun with. If I could spend my life hanging out with my friends, I would be a happy camper.
There are limitations to this though, I guess. It sort of reminds me of that episode of SATC where the girls go to Atlantic City, and Carrie realizes in the end that she can't hide behind her friends. She needs to put herself back out there again, at the risk of getting hurt. She decides that there are some things worth gambling for. Well... I haven't reached that stage yet.
6:08 PM
