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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Going on a mini trip with S tomorrow. Here's hoping for happiness - even if it will be temporary.1:20 AM
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I'm so confused.I am disappointed with my life because I can't see a clear path for me right now. And I know I've said that here before.
Things with S are going swimmingly. We are so close when we are together. We sit down at a restaurant. Lean in towards eachother. He puts his hand on mine resting on the table. We hold hands under the table. Feels a lot like love. I love him. I love him way too much for my own good.
It seems like I am back at square one. Just as hung up as ever. Just as attached as ever. Just as messed up as ever.
I found out that we will be separated (for school stuff) for the winter term. So that throws in another challenge into this relationship. All I wanted was for this to work out and be amazing while he was here. And I'd face the consequences later.
And things are even more complicated by my parents, my living situation, and of course school. How can I lose sight of school when it's something I should be doing for myself? I will have to write this huge exam for getting licensed in May... and all I can think about is how I can spend more time with S in that month before he goes, not how I need to be studying in order to do well. F*ck.
12:50 PM
Is it bad that I feel nauseous when I think about being apart from S? What's wrong with me??!?! God I had a whole summer to get used to it - apparently I'm back at square one.
So I guess there's no way to avoid devastation.
I just want to be with him.
12:53 AM
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Three qualities that make a good lover:
- Patient
- Curious
- Observant
I need to learn patience. Dammit, I'm not observant either!
4:07 PM
Monday, August 28, 2006
Hmm... dilemma...Still just as attached and in love as ever...
Parents have sorta clued in... guess I'm not so good at hiding stuff...
That song... Goapele's "Closer"... when she sings that line "closer to my dreams" - my heart breaks. Because I am not. My dreams are simple. Part of my dreams includes being with a man I adore, and who adores me... and we get married and live happily ever after. I am knowingly going down a dead end. Well I have that first part down, sorta... it's just the 2nd half that's not in the cards.
Well another part of my dream is to be an independant women with my own fabulous apartment. That at least I can strive for.
10:53 PM
Sunday, August 27, 2006
I love him so much it hurts...The walls are thin at the temporary accomodations place he's staying at. The landlady is in the room next to ours. And she's probably heard us having sex... ha.
It's like we picked up from where we left off. Now that we're together again, I can't believe we went so long without eachother. He's affectionate... we hold hands, he puts his arm around me, we cuddle...
So I'm just as attached as ever.
12:41 PM
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Here's how it went down.I was rushing towards the gate where S would be exiting. I wasn't sure where it was so I was motoring through the airport, anxious to be able to meet him there. I wanted to be waiting for him as he walked through the gate.
Then I saw him. It took me a second to recognize him. He was walking towards me and had seen me coming way before I had seen him.
And everything happened naturally after that.
I gave him a big hug and he lifted me up.
He looked a little thinner.... but still damn sexy.
I didn't kiss him because I had brought my sister along - she had come to give me moral support on the drive because I had never driven to the airport before and it was a little confusing.
But once I had him to myself I made sure that I gave him a kiss.
I spent the night with him, and it was great. I can't believe we went so long without eachother.
I'm still in love with him. I didn't tell him so... maybe I will say it again, if I can manage to do it without awkwardness.
I am sad that I had to leave him tonight, but it would have been too difficult to explain to my parents why I was away for more than one night. I will see him tomorrow.
9:48 PM
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I haven't spoken to him since Monday.For some reason that makes me so insecure. Why why why?
I just texted him to call me tonight or message me tomorrow so that I know that he's getting onto the plane as planned.
I need contact. I don't know why I am so needy. I don't like it. I realize that having him in the same town won't fix this. Cause I had the same problem before.
Maybe this is unhealthy. But goddammit, I want to be with him. I want to enjoy the time I have with him. I want him despite it all.
10:55 PM
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
I have mixed feelings about S getting back.I thought I would be filled with nothing but excitement and happiness, and I am, just not most of the time.
Instead I am feeling...
A little anxious. Nervous. A little lost. A little insecure.
I'm not 100% sure why.
What will it be like when I meet him at the airport?
Here's how it goes down in my head...
I am waiting at the gate with all the other people meeting other people. I am standing there all dolled up. In a carefully planned outfit, hair ironed and make-up done. Lashes curled. I see him round the corner. He looks tired from his long flight, but effortlessly sexy. Eyes sleepy, hair tousled. Carrying his bags. He sees me, I am smiling like mad. He nears me, and we have this perfect kiss. Just as perfect as our first kiss back in January. He says something perfect, I say something perfect.
But what if something goes wrong?
I look weird in my outfit. I smell. I'm so nervous I can't hold it together. He's grumpy. He looks strange. He smells. He doesn't smile. I trip. He trips. Someone robs him when he kisses me. He doesn't kiss me. We don't know what to say. It's awkward.
And it's all 2 days away...
11:39 PM
"All we have is this moment. Right here, right now. The future's just a f*cking concept that we use to avoid being alive today. So be here now"
- Brenda on Six Feet Under
10:27 PM
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Although I think I've done pretty well for myself this summer.... I still feel like I'm rootless. Floating around helplessly. With nothing holding me down to anything.I really tried to stand on my own two feet this summer. I tried to keep myself busy and reconnect with people. And I suppose I did... but I still feel sorta alone.
S comes back this Friday. Things have been good (you can tell by the lack of drama in this blog).
I feel like we got closer this summer. Even though it was a pure email and phone relationship, with the occasional digital photo going back and forth. I worry a little that it won't necessarily be the same, that it won't be the smoothest transition when he gets back.
So here I am... floating along. Wondering where I belong and where my place is...
10:11 PM
Monday, August 14, 2006
Am I really okay with this? Have I really comes to terms with it?As the date of his return nears, I am excited.
I have had 4 months to contemplate my situation. Am I wiser? Have I regressed? Am I used to it? Am I in denial?
Or am I only leading myself, eyes wide open, towards a disaster?
Why do I think that I won't be destroyed by this? Why do I think that I won't be devastated?
I wanna cry for myself... will I really be okay?
Have I accepted my destiny? Has he accepted his?
8:23 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Even though he was so drunk, he still wanted to f*ck me.Don't get me wrong, I was drunk too. I wasn't 100% conscious when we down in his bedroom together. I was so tired. Alcohol had made me woozy, clumsy.
He started pulling my clothes off. It was interesting, because he wasn't doing it in a sexy way, nor was he rough. He was doing it in a somewhat functional way. Down comes the tube top. Down goes the jeans. Off comes the bra. I stood there naked and a little cold as he rummaged through my backpack for the pyjamas I had packed for that night. He noticed that I had packed my sexy lingerie - for later.
Ha - what was the point of dressing me if he was only going to take my clothes off again within minutes?
In his twin bed together, his hands started touching me. This part is a little fuzzy for me. With his hand he noticed something.
"You're completely dry!"
I must have mumbled something about it being because of the alcohol. He called it "anticholinergic effects." Good thing he had the strawberry scented lube handy. It was cold. He squirted it on me.
He paused - "You do want to have sex, right?" He sounded just a little vulnerable and insecure at this point. My heart melted. Guys seek sexual reassurance, girls seek emotional reassurance.
I answered: "Of course. Always."
6:32 PM
Monday, August 07, 2006
How is it possible that despite not seeing S since May, we are still together?How is it possible to be so happy?
And now that the end of our separation is approaching, my desire for him and how much I miss him has reached an all new frenzy?
And perhaps it is in my head, but I believe that we are closer.
Will it be a letdown? Will this telephone/email relationship we've created translate well into our real live, in-person relationship when he returns in September? I picture him in my head - have I created someone else's appearance in my head? Is it really him I see when I talk to him?
11:36 PM
