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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
It only takes one unreturned phone call to smash my security to pieces.But I really am trying to not let it bother me...
1:37 AM
Monday, October 30, 2006
This coming week will be the year anniversary of when we first started talking.Can you believe it? A year ago we didn't even speak to each other. I mean, we knew eachother from being in the same class, but essentially we didn't think of the other as anybody special.
And now... things have changed.
2:03 AM
Sunday, October 29, 2006
So yeah we spend a lot of time together...We usually stay over at either his or my place together about 3 times a week. It's a huge time sucker though, because it's so hard to tear myself away from his arms. It's just too comfortable there.
When he spoons me, and puts his arm across my torso pulling me closer - I feel so safe. There's no better high than that.
4:12 PM
Monday, October 23, 2006
So we spent the weekend sleeping, downloading and watching movies, doing random chores, eating and having sex.I can't imagine a better way to spend time.
So we will be living together in March and April. I will pretend that that's the life I was meant to have with him. That it isn't just a temporary 2 month thing and it will all be over. Rather I will think of it as my life as a microcosm. A lifetime of memories, of a life together - but condensed into two months.
Is that sad?
He will leave after May. He will go back to his life, the one that is more or less set in stone. He will move home with his parents, work over there, and in a few years, meet and marry a girl with his parents approval.
And me? In the most optimistic scenario, I will get over all this. And I will fall in love again - with a man that can be with me.
But in my darkest, and deepest - okay not so deep, but definitely the thing I desire most, is that he will make the big decision, that he will make this huge step and decide to stay with me. To throw conventions out and break out of the mold. To fight for me.
11:53 PM
Me and S had sex six times this weekend. It was great.
12:12 AM
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
It seems like he cares for me more. And yet he will still leave me.12:39 AM
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I love him.Haven't said it since he's returned though, just because I don't want to make him feel awkward.
Whenever he mentions that he won't be applying for jobs in this province, it feels like someone is stepping on me, like I'm being crushed. And I don't want to hear it, but at the same time it's good for me, because it will minimize delusion.
It's a strange situation.
After he leaves, I can't help but feel that there really won't be anyone else for me. No one that can possibly replace him.
10:47 PM
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
After I picked him up from the airport back in August, pretty much the first thing we did was get busy. I wish I remembered more about it... it was four months of waiting for it.What I do remember was what the room looked like. It was this ghetto temporary accomodations place. Sorta like an unofficial hostel. It had a computer monitor and keyboard that weren't attached to anything. It had a working TV, and empty glass cabinet, a coat rack, a rolling closet, and two beds - one a twin, and one a full size.
I remember being conscious of the noise I was making. The landlady was in the next room, and likely heard every gasp, every moan. I tried to be quiet - I tried.
I do remember that it was good - it pretty much is every time. And his hair smelled - poor thing had been travelling for almost 10 hours.
Afterwards we went for chinese food.
I just love having him back.
11:24 PM
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I just want to be happy. Isn't that all any of us ever strive for?I see a chance for happiness right now. And although it will end (though I do hold on to some hope that it's not really true) I want to hold on to my source of happiness for the moment.
12:22 AM
Thursday, October 05, 2006
"What is the worst thing you've done when you've been drunk?""What do you mean?"
"You said that you're not accountable for the things you did past the cocktail hour. So what was the worst thing you did?"
"You don't trust me?"
"I trust you. But I also know that I am very gullible."
"I would never do anything."
"Why? Because it would be too easy?"
"No because I would never want to hurt you."
And I believe him.
10:21 PM
The last time I stayed over at his place (Tuesday) I left a thong there and asked him to throw it in with his laundry. It was pink and striped.
He told me today that he did his laundry. And all his underwear is black, white and grey - and then there was my tiny, pink thong in there - going round and round in the washing machine. Hahahaha... I love it.
8:36 PM
His kisses are so sweet.
Literally.
He tastes sweet. Maybe that's what got me hooked. The way he tastes.
I can't get enough.
1:14 AM
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I imagine myself, maybe a year or less away from now. Single. And relatively older.And explaining why I am single to someone.
Well first I was with a man I wasn't in love with for four years. He was my best friend, and I guess I didn't know the difference.
Then I fell deeply and madly in love with a man that I couldn't keep. How tragic. And that was another year before he had to leave me.
Ah. Story of my life.
11:06 PM
So yes I am becoming more and more attached. And I suspect, so is he.
We see or speak to eachother almost everyday, we stay over at eachother's places several times during the week.
When we lay in bed with our limbs entwined, I think, how can he let me go?
But he does mention things about moving home, and working over on that side of the country.
And I try to not let it show how much it crushes me.
And yes I am no where near enlightenment here. I am just as bad off as I was last May.
At least I know he cares? Is that a comfort? And yet he still plans on leaving. I don't know what to say or do. I do not want to broach the topic. And yet, eventually I know I will beg him to stay. I will beg him to not leave me.
9:35 PM
Sunday, October 01, 2006
"Sometimes it seems like you don't care about me.""You know I care about you. It's just the way I am in public settings. Don't listen to what other people say. In the end I'm lying here with you."
3:51 PM
