♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
♥
Archives:
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 *
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 *
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 *
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 *
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 *
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 *
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 *
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 *
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 *
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 *
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 *
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 *
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 *
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 *
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 *
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 *
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 *
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 *
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 *
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 *
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 *
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 *
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 *
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 *
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 *
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 *
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 *
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 *
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 *
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 *
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 *
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 *
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 *
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 *
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 *
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 *
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 *
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 *
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 *
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 *
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 *
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 *
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 *
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 *
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 *
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 *
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 *
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 *
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 *
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 *
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 *
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 *
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 *
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 *
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 *
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 *
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 *
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 *
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 *
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 *
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 *
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 *
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 *
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 *
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 *
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 *
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 *
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 *
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 *
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 *
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 *
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 *
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 *
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 *
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 *
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011 *
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 *
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 *
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 *
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 *
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 *
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 *
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 *
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 *
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 *
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, November 30, 2006
We were just casually chatting today... waiting and seeing... just casual.And just when he was going to leave, I reached up and gave him a big hug. In front of all those people.
And he picked me up off my feet and swung me around...
I love you S.
7:06 PM
Sunday, November 26, 2006
I hurt my neck a few days ago... I think I slept on it funny, then somehow when I was walking that day, I almost slipped and threw my neck out a bit more. And it's sorta gotten progressively worse and worse since then.It got so bad that I woke up in the middle of last night in pain. I was so frustrated I got up and went straight for the Advil. And I was actually crying a little.
Without meaning to, I woke S up - he's a very light sleeper.
He was so sweet. He asked me if I was okay. And even though he loves his sleep, he stayed up with me and rubbed my back. He insisted that he didn't want to back to sleep and just cuddled me until I was ready to go back to bed.
2:28 PM
Thursday, November 23, 2006
This morning I felt so disgusted with myself and annoyed with him, I was actually considering breaking up with him already.It would be good for me. I'd finally move on and get some perspective. Yes I love him, but he is also not good for me. And I wanted to teach him a lesson.
But then the feeling passed...
I've never had a guy bring me to my knees like this. I've never been this confused in a relationship. Things have never been this complicated before.
2:17 PM
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I love him. And I could see myself being happy with him for my life.But it isn't perfect.
Sometimes we aren't in sync.
My friend pointed out that maybe I need to be the one to be chased, not the one doing the chasing.
And I don't know if he loves me.
7:51 PM
Monday, November 13, 2006
My formula for healing a broken heart:- Work out like mad - this helped me discover pilates and yoga after KGuy stepped on my self-esteem
- Watch as much TV as you like
- Talk to friends (not necessarily about your problems) - just don't let yourself be alone too much!!
- Shop - okay maybe not the best idea, but it always makes me feel better to own nice things
This is my strategic plan for when things end with S. I just need to not let it be the end of the world.
It's sad, but I have my fears. I'm scared I will never find anyone as great as S (since I already don't think I'm good enough for him, and that I somehow scored huge with this one) and that I will never be able to make that perfect match that will make me happy. And when I say "perfect" I don't mean no flaws, I just mean perfect for me.
7:30 PM
I'm so f*cked up.
I want to throw a tantrum and declare that my life is a disaster. But the grownup in me won't let me.
7:14 PM
Please, please, please let me be a part of your life. Please promise me that you'll always talk to me, that no matter what happens we will be friends. Please don't dismiss me as one of those people you can't talk to. Please let me be someone special to you. Please...
6:59 PM
What am I doing here?
What am I doing with him?
I have always struggled with things. I never saw myself as good enough for him.
And I guess I don't have to be really. I am not what he is looking for in the long run anyway.
Sometimes I feel like I want him to just break up with me because I'm not right for him because somehow that feels easier than losing him to these other factors like geography, culture, religion.
But then other times I want him to lie to me. I want him to love me right here and now, and to hell with the future.
But that's the thing. I don't know if he loves me (he's never said it), and I don't know if he ever will.
Sometimes I feel okay with the way things are. Sometimes I feel like it hurts so much my head will split open or I will disappear into the ground. Sometimes the pain overwhelms me.
6:51 PM
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Yesterday I was freaking out again. Crying and crying.Then I was watching Waiting to Exhale on TV. And it made me cry a little more. It's weird to think about how old that movie is now. And how much more relevant it felt to me. But then it got cut off - technical difficulties?
Then I went on MSN and chatted with friends. I think that's the best way to bring yourself back to earth. It makes me feel normal again. I need to try to focus.
I did call him at 11 pm. And it's so nice to talk to him. I don't talk about my personal drama to him, even though it involves him. I'll save that for later. For now it is enough to just be with him.
Now if only I could just focus on my studies.
12:17 PM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Can I tell you something dirty?S and I had sex last night while a friend of his was sleeping over at his bachelor apartment - on the opposite side, but still, in the same room.
It started off as just light caressing and kissing. But it turned into S pulling his and my shorts down, and entering me from behind. Slow and steady. We were completely silent. It was awesome. At the end, I turned around and saw this big grin on his face.
I don't think his friend woke up at all.
7:52 PM
I just had a wave of sentimentality.
The school year is almost over for me - and thinking about it just made me feel nauseous. Like there's a huge gaping hole where my heart is supposed to be.
I don't want this life to be over. I am so content where I am. Exams and studying can be bad, but the good things about being a student just outweigh the bad things.
Like being around your friends all the time - in classes, between classes, after classes. Living with your friends. Not being exhausted from being at work 9-5 everyday.
But really - I don't want lose S. I love him so much. I love him so much.
6:27 PM
Friday, November 03, 2006
He makes me laugh.He makes me smile.
He makes me wish I could be with him forever.
7:19 PM
Okay maybe I overreact a little. But there is validity in what I am saying.
10:13 AM
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I really hate myself for this whole mess. When did I become so pathetic? Or have I always been like this, and this relationship brings out the worst in me?Maybe it will be a lesson learned. Be more independent. Be more sure of who I am and what I bring to the table.
10:38 PM
Maybe I really am with him because of the physical.
Personality wise we're both fairly laid back - haven't had any real arguments or disaggreements.
But we are very different. He's not always the most diplomatic person. He can be stubborn and stuck in his opinions. He has no problem having enemies in our class.
I on the other hand am incredibly diplomatic - always trying to please everyone. Instead of stubborn, I am flexible and easily bended in my opinions. And conflicts make me incredibly uncomfortable.
However... physically... there is magic there.
The sex is great... and only getting better. The kissing never loses it's novelty. It never loses it's sensuality. He knows my body, and we do not tire of exploring eachother. And when we fall asleep... when he holds me... it's heartbreaking how at peace I feel in his arms. When our limbs are intertwined... it's perfect. There's no better high.
10:12 PM
Okay, but as not perfect as this relationship is, we have some serious physical chemistry.
I'm afraid I won't be able to find that again.
7:09 PM
I think the other reason why this relationship scares me is that I don't understand him.
7:03 PM
I'm really hormonal I think...
I feel weird and extra insecure today.
I'm also realizing a little that this relationship is unhealthy for me.
I've never been so insecure. I've never been so unsure.
I've never been so weak before. I've never been so powerless.
Although he makes me happy, he also makes me sad and angry.
I also realize that I don't trust him 100%.
And yet, I crave his presence. I miss him and I love him. I wait beside my phone, and when it rings, I am beside myself with ecstasy and relief.
Why is this?
Is it because he is so beautiful?
Is it because he is so strong and masculine - and I feel safe with him?
He distracts me from my work, my studying... and yet I don't care. I still want him here.
What's wrong with me?
4:25 PM
