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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, December 23, 2006
I got the call I wanted. But he was so exhausted, it was just a quick conversation. I got the gist of the trip - that it was the time of his life. And I'm happy for him, but I'm disappointed that I missed out. But part of me suspects that it would not have been the same for me. I may not have had a good time if I had gone because I would've been too hung up on having his attention. And I know that he spreads himself so thin when with all his friends.Maybe I was better off not going. Because I got another taste of what life is like without him. And yes it was rough, but I adjusted more and more as time passed. A sign of what is to come?
10:04 PM
I sorta feel weird.
I was actually getting over my sorrow and drama towards the end of the week. No more crying for no reason. I even went out last night and met a bunch of people. It made me realize that there are possibilities anywhere, no matter what happens in my life.
His trip ends today. I was getting anxious last night, anxious and excited. Anxious, just cause I want to hear from him and find out if anything happened over there. And excited just to hear from him.
But I haven't heard from him yet, and he had told me he would find a pay phone at the airport. So now I'm starting to feel sick and more anxious just cause I want to hear from him. Just to confirm that I'm too paranoid and I know I'll just relax once I hear his voice.
4:32 PM
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Maybe it is just infatuation. Sometimes when I'm feeling a bit more sane, I wonder - what is it exactly about this boy that makes him so special? He has his flaws too.PROS: gorgeous, creamy skin, muscular, tall, affectionate, amazing physical chemistry, healthy, makes me laugh, makes me blush, can read me. Oh and I love him.
CONS: immature, sometimes mean (not to me), prioritizes his friends over me, flirts with M. Not interested in meeting my friends that he doesn't already know. Oh yeah, plans to move across the country come June. Hasn't said "I love you."
10:56 PM
I can't f*cking function.
Why is today another crazy day?
Perhaps sleep deprivation is to blame again. F*cking hormones.
7:56 PM
I miss him so much. I miss him so much it's ridiculous.
Yet I'm also so worried that he's cheating on me on me. It's got me so worried that I couldn't sleep right away last night. I mean I trust him, I trust that he would never intentionally hurt me, but I also don't trust that he knows how to stay out of situations where temptation can be avoided.
This is insecurity defined.
Perhaps I am shallow for being so obsessed with my relationship. And clearly it is not that healthy for me because I'm thinking like a crazy person. But along with my misery, I am so happy to be with him. Just being with him makes me so intensely satisfied. It is enough for me.
Perhaps that is love defined.
So why do I swing back and forth between insecurity and love? If I knew that he wanted to stay with me, would I be different? If he told me that he loved me, would that also make things different or better?
7:53 PM
I am doing my best to be busy and go out and see friends. It's me overcompensating really.
Overcompensating for the fact that S isn't around. And also I'm trying to prove that I know how to have a life.
Let's see if I can keep it up.
12:23 AM
Monday, December 18, 2006
So after returning from the club, we both started to change. He was quick, already walking around his bachelor apartment in his boxers before I had started to change. He was busy moving around, packing last minute for his trip.I took off the brooch that was holding the front of my shirt together. Then I started to take off my jeans, sitting on the edge of his bed.
He came over, and started to climb on top of me.
"It's been a long time since we've had sex." (It had been 3 days).
"I know. I was beginning to think you were my brother."
"Don't say that."
I said something about this being the last time we'd be able to do it this year, because of our respective trips.
He murmured "I'll f*ck you in the morning."
The sex we had that night was so intense, it drove me across the bed, so that my head was hanging off it and banging on the side boards when I was coming (I didn't care).
11:29 PM
I'm trying not to obsess over S. Trying.
I'm especially trying not to do things like pore over old MSN conversations, or stare at old pictures.
Instead I will try to channel my obsessing in other ways like talking to people or blogging.
So here I am blogging.
9:30 PM
We stood there, getting ready to go out. His friends would be meeting us at his apartment in 15 minutes.
I don't remember what led to this, but we kissed in front of his mirrored closet. It was a lingering kiss. One that we held on to as long as we could...
Moments later, he was behind me. His face in my hair. His hands on my stomach, moving over my front. I let him, but I didn't move.
It was aching. It was longing. It was desire.
But it was not meant to be. His friends arrived shortly after.
2:08 AM
I think I may have lost myself in him. Do I even know myself anymore? Have I de-evolved into something other than myself? Why is it that I can do nothing but think of him?
Why?
Is it because I am so much in love with him?
Is it because of how complicated the situation is?
Is it because it is so uneven, and I am too acutely aware of it?
Is it because of his beauty? Has it made me insecure?
Is it because for the first time I am unable to control the situation, and I so desperately want to?
2:07 AM
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I miss him, I miss him so much.He left for a week long vacation that I couldn't go to. And I leave for a vacation with my family the day after he gets back.
Why am I so dramatic? I think because I'm so sleep deprived, and I just finished exams and things have been so crazy.
I love him so much. I love him so much that I'd do anything for him. But only if he wanted me to.
It's confusing. I know that he's leaving. I'm looking for jobs here, and he isn't. He is moving home definitely. There are so many obstacles. And I want to fight for him, but can I? Is it worth it?
I don't know if he loves me. I guess he doesn't if he hasnt' said it yet. But I know he cares.
We definitely have physical intimacy. But I want emotional...
I need a life. I don't know how to get one. But I'm working on it.
10:59 PM
Saturday, December 09, 2006
It's kinda funny...On the phone he can be ambivalent, blase, and non-committal... I feel like he doesn't care.
So I make the decision to just do what I want... and worry about why he doesn't chase me or express any desires later.
But when I arrive at his place he is all affectionate. He is attentive and caring. And the most telling thing... when we are sleeping together, in and out of consciousness... his hand seeks mine. We hold hands in bed and he pulls me closer and closer...
7:29 PM
Friday, December 08, 2006
This is not something that should have been a new lesson for me, but I am learning it still...Life is not black and white... it is all shades of grey. Just variances on the colour grey.
I thought that because of the way that S and I started out, that he would fall in love with me fore sure. We both had crushes on each other. That should have guaranteed that hearts would get involved.
I compared it to the way that RGuy and I hooked up. RGuy picked me up at a club, and at the time I just said yes (because why not?) and things just sorta fell into place for me after that. A relationship started and I got comfortable. But I was not in love. And I attribute it to the lack of spark I felt for him at the beginning anyway. I didn't choose him, he chose me, and I just followed.
So if S and I were both wildly attracted to each other at the start, then love should have followed, right? No that is not so...
7:41 PM
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
When I find out who I amI'm gonna know just what to do
When I pull myself together again
I'm gonna give myself to you
(Train - Give Myself To You)
10:36 PM
There are certain songs that really make me feel funny...
Mostly just the songs I used to help me get through the summer when S was away (Wolf Parade, Corinne Bailey Rae).
They bring back that feeling of being lost, of sinking...
8:52 PM
Sunday, December 03, 2006
I guess the best thing to do is have hope.In the likely scenario that S will leave me... I have to have hope that I will be okay. I have to have hope that there are others out there who are just perfect for me.
I guess another reason why it's scary is that my relationship with RGuy was so... mediocre. It was a trap. I would not have been unhappy with RGuy, but it was definitely missing that something. I have that something with S. It really feels that way anyway. That buzz, that incredible attraction and longing.
12:34 AM
Saturday, December 02, 2006
I'm actually really happy right now. But what it will come down to, is that I know that I won't be okay later.11:25 PM
