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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, January 25, 2007
I need love.10:31 PM
I just want to pour my heart out.
The one I should be pouring my heart to is him.
But I can't. It's really hard.
When we do talk, and it's good, I just want to keep the mood light, so I don't talk about anything serious like our relationship. Just cause I'm so grateful that he's enjoying his coversation with me.
I'm so sad.
And I also know that I'm just being such a girl right now. Overanalyzing. Neurotic. So where is the line between being overly neurotic, and not being a f*cking doormat?
10:25 PM
I'm so angry still. Sometimes things subside and I start to believe that what I have is real and okay. Then I remember. Then I feel like slitting my wrists.
6:30 PM
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
I'm a fool.I can't decide if this relationship has gotten worse or better since the incident.
In a way, better because we have a new honesty. I think. This is definitely the weaker argument.
It has gotten worse in that I have less reason to trust him now. I am just as insecure and likely even more insecure than before. I also feel like about half the phone conversations I have with him suck. They suck big time. He always seems so blah. And seems to always have reasons to get off the phone.
Oh god I'm a fool.
Sometimes I suspect that he just really doesn't give a f*ck.
9:21 PM
The more SATC I watch the more frustrated I get with my own relationship.
The more SATC I watch, the more I understand my own downfalls and weakness.
My relationship is all about him. And it is sad how grateful I always am whenever he shows me the slightest bit of attention.
6:42 PM
We have the incredible physical chemistry, but emotionally, we're not quite there.
I crave the emotional connection.
1:47 PM
Monday, January 22, 2007
I climbed into his lap, kissing him. We landed back onto the bed. Hands were wandering and clothes being pulled off. Tugging and caressing.He threw my leg over his shoulder. He entered me, slowly drawing himself in and completely out of me several times.
He swore ("f*ck"). And paused.
I asked - "Do you want to switch?"
He said "I'm done."
Me: "Oh." (Trying not to sound disappointed).
We both lay there panting, with our breaths slowly returning to normal.
He laughed. "We have to have sex more."
Ah well. Until next week.
10:36 PM
Sunday, January 21, 2007
He is so affectionate in person.When I arrive he hugs me, and kisses me. He makes jokes to make me smile.
When he hugs me, he holds me for so long.
11:53 PM
Ultimately all I ever wanted was for him to want me.
But I am not handling the "incident" as well as I thought I would.
I am not sure if I would be more miserable with or without him.
And I am paralyzed in my indecision and confusion.
10:12 AM
Thursday, January 18, 2007
My relationship sucks. And I hate myself for being in it.And yet I can't let go. Because it would be worse punishment for me to see him go on without me.
11:00 PM
I really am Carrie. Totally neurotic. And I don't have good judgement when it comes to S.
How tragic.
6:39 PM
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
I'm rewatching my SATC dvds. And I really realize how much like Carrie I am.Totally neurotic. Completely in love and obsessed with a man who doesn't love her. Maybe not making the best choices.
But then one word, one look, one gesture from him will make her forget her worries. But it doesn't really solve the underlying problem.
And although she does end up with him, she has to go through the wringer first.
S is my Mr. Big.
9:44 PM
I was telling S how his kisses are so sweet - literally. He tastes sweet. And my theory is that it is from all the protein shakes that he takes.
And then I asked him what I tasted like.
And he told me that I didn't taste like anything. But the one thing he could say is that my lips were always wet, and they were always soft. And that made them good for kissing.
5:01 PM
Monday, January 08, 2007
We started kissing, and as we made our way to the bed, I whispered "I have been waiting for this.""Me too."
This is S at his most honest.
As he entered me, he said "You feel amazing."
11:05 PM
Saturday, January 06, 2007
I don't know who I am anymore.Who am I without him?
I live breathe sleep him.
I love him.
12:54 AM
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I feel heart sick.Sometimes I think we are on totally different wavelengths. But then sometimes we are completely in sync.
Why is that?
When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's soo bad, it's unbearable.
It's exhausting.
11:09 PM
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
I knew he valued me much more. That he learned to appreciate these moments. Because after we made love he kept holding on to me. He kept resting his head on me and caressing me. And he kept kissing me.And when I left, he hugged me for sooo long. And watched me walk away from his door...
5:43 PM
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
We spent most of the day awkwardly. Me seeking the truth. Him giving plain and simple answers. Did I trust him? I wanted to.I couldn't look him in the eye. I kept my hands shoved in my pockets as we walked on the sidewalk so he wouldn't try to hold them. We watched a movie at his place in separate areas - me on the bed, and him in his chair. When we went to bed we lay straight, staring into space, not touching, and unable to sleep.
I tried to talk to him. I just longed to be cuddled. I was confused and angry, but I was ready to forgive and forget. I just wanted to be held. The way he always did, and they way I always loved.
And finally when he stretched his arms behind his head, I took my chance. I threw my arm across his chest and nuzzled into his side. And his hand instinctively went to my hair and just fingered my hair. It was so emotional I was almost crying.
And finally I said "This is all I want."
Him: "The hardest part about today was not being able to hold you."
"When I tried to hug you before and you pulled away, it was just... so awkward."
I replied "I was scared to see you."
"No matter what, I will always care for you, okay?"
4:58 PM
Monday, January 01, 2007
He said that he wants to be with me. That there is something there between us given that we've been together for so long. That he's not with me because he feels sorry for me.My friend pointed out to me that it's not about what happened, and it's not about what people will say. It's about what will make me happy.
He says he wants to be with me. That I am fun to be around.
I guess now there is a new level of honesty between us. It's not that we lied to each other before, but there were certain things that we didn't talk about. And now they are more out in the open.
I'm not sure of what I am doing. I really don't know.
5:13 PM
