eyes sparkle flirt blog

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Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
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Monday, July 30, 2007

Feist - Let It Die

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself I started to fade away
And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

9:45 PM

So yesterday I broke down.

I called him - left a voice mail. He messaged me back to say that his phone was unavailable.

He then found me on MSN.

I told him. I told him I had been doing fine for the last few days... but yesterday... yesterday I missed him. And I told him how hard and how painful it's been.

He told me it was hard for him too. He told me he has his moments where he just sits and thinks about me too. He told me that he was sorry that things were like this but that he wanted us to always be close, even if it isn't in a relationship.

I don't know if that conversation was a step backwards for me. But I don't care - I needed to talk to him. To hear that he thinks about me too.

6:00 PM

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I'm doing my best to live my life. I am making plans and trying to keep busy. It's a little exhausting - but the moment I am left to myself - it is not good.

Part of me realizes that I am just distracting myself. The distraction hasn't completely translated into me having fun or being happy... and I am hoping that eventually it will. I don't know though. It's almost like I am waiting for the next best thing to happen so that I can forget my worries.

That's what it was like last summer, when I was waiting for him to come back. And that is not the case here. He is not coming back. Well he may be coming in 4 months time - but that is completely different because we will not be together.

When will my life feel normal again? When can I feel happy again?

7:52 PM

Just when I thought I was doing better and I was starting to admire my own strength - another torrent of tears came today. Still so f*cking painful.

I just still want him. There is no one else I can even imagine taking his place. I can imagine someone perfect, someone to sweep me off my feet - a dream man. But this man doesn't exist. There is only S.

And I am devastated. Why do I still want someone who wasn't in love with me?

7:14 PM

Friday, July 27, 2007

I lied yesterday - I cried once. But it wasn't a huge sobbing mess... there were big tears, but it only lasted about 5 minutes.

So today, Day 4: I hate life a little bit less.

I still don't feel happy, and I still can't picture happiness. I still want him. But I do feel a little more normal overall.

I could put away all evidence of him - the photo, the art he gave me, the steel cup I inherited, the big red ape he gave me for Vday... but I won't do it. Because I want to feel the pain - not suppress it. I want to get over this as soon as possible. And when I know I am definitely okay - I will put those things away. When I am ready.

We haven't spoken since that very sober conversation Tuesday night. I have no urges to call him very soon, maybe next week. I almost wanted to email him, just to tell him stuff, like how I saw the car he was telling me about in the newspaper, or how things are going with my work. But I resisted.

6:19 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Day 1 without S: Despair, sobbing
Day 2 without S: I hate life, still crying
Day 3 without S: I hate life, but no tears

9:41 PM

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I will confess. I am not coping well.

Just when I think I am numb and I will not cry anymore, a torrent of tears come.

I just want to die. I can't take this. How do you deal with the pain? I am just so lonely. I don't even want to watch a movie - I used to watch them with him, and I can't bear watching one alone. I am just so f*cking sad and pathetic.

And I know I need to be single. I need to learn to be independant again. It's just been too long.

I am so miserable.

5:45 PM

I hate life.

5:37 PM

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

He walked me to the subway station. We held hands. From his door to just approaching the subway I was fine.

But then the tears came. And they streamed down my face. And we hugged in the station. And my tears kept flowing. We said bye. Kissed. Hugged again. He said "Bye Buddha." And I pulled away to pay my fare, walked through the rotation door. And glanced back at him. Waved.

And just as I was about to descend the stairs into the station, I turned back again, saw him watching me as well. And I just turned quickly to leave.

6:48 PM

This is so f*cking painful.

I'm devastated.

I'm keeping busy at work, but the minute I slow down, the tears come. Not just tears, but wracking sobs that bring me to the floor.

And I try to get organized, by putting away the things he gave back to me (e.g. my extra bathroom stuff I kept there), but it's so f*cking hard.

This is my bed and I am lying in it.

6:45 PM

Sunday, July 22, 2007

This is a love letter to the man who is leaving me.

What I will miss about you:

How smooth the skin on your face feels when it's touching my face.
Your eyes when you look at me - when you smile at me from across a room.
Holding hands in the movie theatre, holding hands on the street.
Talking about our days over the phone.
The curls in your hair.
All the nick names you gave me.
Cuddling in bed before we fall asleep, while we sleep, and when we wake. The way your legs feel when they are curled behind mine.
Kissing in the shower.
Make-up sex - always good, always worth the loss in sleep.
Multiple orgasms and post-orgasms - waking your neighbours.
The way your mouth and tongue taste (sweet).
Tracing the veins in your arms, making tents with your arm hairs.
Adventures in renting cars, Googlemapping our road trips, going to Niagara to shop.
Your arms around me - I feel so safe.
Pressing my face to your chest.

I love you S.

10:28 PM

This is so f*cking painful.

Sometimes I have perspective, where I can see why it's the best idea to not hold on anymore. Most times, it just hurts.

Who will I watch movies with?

I know I'm being ridiculous.

I'll be so lonely.

Clearly I am not okay. Not right now. I do not have perspective.

So f*cking painful.

I don't think he can deny that we have a connection. When our eyes meet - how can he not feel it too?

Part of me wants to be over this, to be okay. And I know it will come with time. The other part of me desperately, desperately can't let go.

8:12 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Dear S,

Two things I want you to know:

1. I love you
2. I would have moved with you if you had asked me.

I know that there’s nothing you can do about that, or will do about that. But I didn’t want you to go without definitely, definitely knowing those two things. I understand that the way your life is, there was no place for me.

I hope you always think of me positively. I hope you don’t forget me. I hope you have no regrets with respect to me.

“Keeping in touch” isn’t the way I want things to be. I want more than that. I want us to always have a bond, even if how often we speak over the phone slowly becomes less frequent.

IG

10:29 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

So this is the big good bye that I have been anticipating for the last 1.5 years. He'll be gone next Tuesday.

And sometimes I am so overcome by tears that I can barely control them. They stream down my face and onto everything. I feel lost.

And sometimes I feel okay.

Thank god work is distracting.

2:04 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2007

It was the morning, and sunshine was pouring through my flimsy curtains. We were in my tiny twin bed, and his back was towards me. I skootched in closer to him, putting my face against his bare back.

And I couldn't help it. I felt overwhelmed by the latest development in our relationship. I tried to squeeze my eyes closed, but it was of no use. Tears slowly started to drip downwards towards the pillow on my face.

He must have felt it, because he suddenly turned his body to face me.

He looked at my eye and my tears kept coming. I tried to smile bravely. He used the corner of my comforter to dab at my eyes. He caressed my back and I silently continued to let my tears fall.

There we were in the sunlight. And I let him see my grief.

5:46 PM