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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, July 23, 2009
So we've been fighting a bit more than usual lately. Really we never fight. So the fact that we've fought a few times in the few weeks or so is a big deal.I've been questioning how much he really cares for me.
Our relationship has always been unequal. All throughout the first 1.5 years, we both knew that I was in love with him, but he was not in love with me. But he didn't want to break up, and neither did I. Yes it was self-destructive, and it was never going to end well. There was no hope of a happy ending except in never-never land.
And then we broke up as planned when he moved away.
One week of being broken up and he asked for me back. He told me all the things he loved about me and how much he missed me. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I do not remember most of the things he said. Which is too bad. And like a moth to a flame I welcomed him back into my life. And a year and a half after that I left the rest of my life behind and moved out here to be with him.
And seven months later here we are.
I miss my home like crazy. And it has NOT gotten easier with time. I miss the life I had. And I am not as happy as I hoped I would be.
Am I just pushing him away? Am I just too scared of my life out here?
I think that deep down I just know that I love him a bit too much more than he loves me. Which is not a good place to be. In my last relationship my ex-boyfriend loved me way too much more than I loved him. And that was not good either.
In the end I think it's just about finding someone that loves you just as much as you love them. That's a happy place to be.
And I feel kinda sick when I think about how big a mistake this could be. How much time, how many tears wasted. I am still optimistic that maybe this is meant to be. But that optimism has faded more and more.
1:45 AM
