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e y e s
s p a r k l e
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b l o g
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
Okay I take it back, the sex with J is pretty good. His special talent is staying hard. Seriously. It's kinda awesome.He's also very generous with his compliments. He told me again how pretty he thinks I am. How good I look. It's so nice to be admired.
It's actually pretty dangerous territory. I worry that we might get too serious. Which was never my plan. I don't know what I was thinking. I started dating again so soon mostly as a way to distract myself from the pain of my break up with S. And a part of that became a way to have revenge on S. Though really, I'm not sure I want him to know what I'm up to. I don't know if I want him to know anything about me now. I don't want any contact at all right now. Because the whole thing is just too confusing. I don't know how I feel. And I certainly don't know how he feels. I don't know what he's doing, how he's doing. Knowing anything about him would also be too weird.
Do I want him to be jealous that I'm with someone else? Do I want him to be jealous that this other man is f*cking me?
Or do I want him to think of me as this innocent girl who would never do anything like that?
Do I want to know if he's happy or miserable? Do I want to know if he even thinks about me at all? Do I want to know if he even looks at other girls? Do I want to know anything???
So I guess not having any contact at all is a good idea. I just don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be confused anymore.
2:54 AM
