♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
♥
Archives:
02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003 *
03/01/2003 - 04/01/2003 *
04/01/2003 - 05/01/2003 *
05/01/2003 - 06/01/2003 *
06/01/2003 - 07/01/2003 *
07/01/2003 - 08/01/2003 *
08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003 *
10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003 *
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 *
02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 *
03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 *
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 *
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 *
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 *
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 *
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 *
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 *
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 *
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 *
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 *
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 *
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 *
07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005 *
08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005 *
09/01/2005 - 10/01/2005 *
11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005 *
12/01/2005 - 01/01/2006 *
01/01/2006 - 02/01/2006 *
02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006 *
03/01/2006 - 04/01/2006 *
04/01/2006 - 05/01/2006 *
05/01/2006 - 06/01/2006 *
06/01/2006 - 07/01/2006 *
07/01/2006 - 08/01/2006 *
08/01/2006 - 09/01/2006 *
09/01/2006 - 10/01/2006 *
10/01/2006 - 11/01/2006 *
11/01/2006 - 12/01/2006 *
12/01/2006 - 01/01/2007 *
01/01/2007 - 02/01/2007 *
02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007 *
03/01/2007 - 04/01/2007 *
05/01/2007 - 06/01/2007 *
06/01/2007 - 07/01/2007 *
07/01/2007 - 08/01/2007 *
08/01/2007 - 09/01/2007 *
03/01/2008 - 04/01/2008 *
05/01/2008 - 06/01/2008 *
10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008 *
05/01/2009 - 06/01/2009 *
07/01/2009 - 08/01/2009 *
08/01/2009 - 09/01/2009 *
09/01/2009 - 10/01/2009 *
10/01/2009 - 11/01/2009 *
11/01/2009 - 12/01/2009 *
12/01/2009 - 01/01/2010 *
01/01/2010 - 02/01/2010 *
02/01/2010 - 03/01/2010 *
03/01/2010 - 04/01/2010 *
04/01/2010 - 05/01/2010 *
05/01/2010 - 06/01/2010 *
06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010 *
07/01/2010 - 08/01/2010 *
08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010 *
09/01/2010 - 10/01/2010 *
10/01/2010 - 11/01/2010 *
11/01/2010 - 12/01/2010 *
12/01/2010 - 01/01/2011 *
01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011 *
02/01/2011 - 03/01/2011 *
03/01/2011 - 04/01/2011 *
04/01/2011 - 05/01/2011 *
05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011 *
06/01/2011 - 07/01/2011 *
07/01/2011 - 08/01/2011 *
08/01/2011 - 09/01/2011 *
09/01/2011 - 10/01/2011 *
11/01/2011 - 12/01/2011 *
12/01/2011 - 01/01/2012 *
01/01/2012 - 02/01/2012 *
02/01/2012 - 03/01/2012 *
04/01/2012 - 05/01/2012 *
07/01/2012 - 08/01/2012 *
08/01/2012 - 09/01/2012 *
09/01/2012 - 10/01/2012 *
01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Oh jesus... sometimes the urge to call him is so strong. I just want to hear his voice the way he used to talk to me though. Like just now. Just now the idea hit me so strong. I know he's probably not sleeping yet. And I thought I could call to say good night. I just want to hear his voice all soft.And then the bubble pops. And my pathetic-ness becomes very apparent to me. And then I break down in sobs.
1:42 AM
Why is it so hard? Seriously. I can't believe a month later I still feel so awful and meaningless. A month later I still don't feel any clearer about what happened. A month later my emotions are still up and down.
Okay fine maybe I'm being too ambitious. Someone told me it takes a month for every year that you're together to get over it. That sucks.
1:36 AM
Monday, September 28, 2009
I just read through all the blogs spanning my relationship with S (January 2006 until August 2009).And I realized, as pathetic and sad as I think I am now, I was waaaay worse back then. At least now I no longer idolize S. At least his beauty isn't as blinding now.
I also realize how much I've grown since then. I'm older. I've changed. And hopefully I can keep growing. Away from him.
It's also funny how this break up was forshadowed in everything. I always knew he would break my heart.
Unfortunately I think I still love him. But am I going to call him? Right now the answer is no.
2:20 PM
I really am not over it. And I guess I shouldn't expect myself to be. When I think about it, like really think about what happened, it feels like someone is punching a hole into my chest. The pain is so real and feels so acute still. It just really sucks.
I wonder if he feels even a fraction of the pain that I do. Probably not. I hope it haunts him one day.
2:18 AM
Is it bad that I'm going on a date with someone else while I'm still crying over S?
Okay yeah I know it's bad.
And yeah maybe I don't have the purest intentions (intentions = distraction from the pain of my break up), but I promise I'm open to whatever might happen.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around what really happened between S and me. And it's weird how I still don't even have it straight. And it's weird how my mind twists things in my head. Twists things so that I only feel more confused.
I'm trying so hard to separate myself from it and move on. But it's so hard. It really occupies most of my thoughts. The moment I sit down and have a few moments to myself, I'm thinking about it. I can't escape it.
1:29 AM
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I'm trying so hard not to be cynical. I don't want to be jaded and unhappy. I want to have hope for the future.But it's so hard.
I want to be able to find someone that wants to be with me for life. And how do people do it? Is it even possible?
And I am still crying over what happened. It's been more than a month. And I still cannot get rid of the pain that can take over.
2:43 PM
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I can't stop thinking about it.A month later and I can't stop thinking about it.
I wish I could.
Especially when I'm alone. Especially when I'm in my car driving to and from work for some reason. Maybe this is why I did so much crying in my car when it first happened.
It pisses me off because I'm sure he doesn't spend that much time thinking about it. He's probably barely bothered by the whole thing. F*cker.
I hate him.
But I also suspect that I still love him too. But I try not to think about that.
10:03 PM
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It's weird... I expected this break up to just progressively get better and better for me. That I would just get over it, and my mood and spirits would just improve and improve. But it hasn't really been like that. It's been more like waves of emotion, more of an ebb and flow.For example, all week I was feeling fine. Even getting to the point where I recognized the large silver lining in this situation. But today... broke down and sobbed.
Maybe I'm trying to hard to feel better. I tried to let myself cry my heart out, sob and sob and sob... And the strategy was that I would release all my emotions at once and that would be the end of it. Well... it hasn't been that easy.
His actions are confusing for me. Even though I want him to be very nice to me, it's hard not to read into it when he is. His kindness is throwing me off. And therefore a small part of me is just waiting for him to realize that he's made this huge mistake and that he wants me back. It's hard for me to let that idea go. He is confusing me.
And so I've realized that I need to minimize my own contact with him. Which shouldn't be hard.
Fuck.
11:09 PM
Monday, September 07, 2009
I'm very confused. But moving forward, I think.I wish I had it all figured out.
I have my moments. I have moments where I have hope or when I feel normal. And I have moments of devastation. Which have been decreasing lately.
Partly because I have been in contact with S. And... I wish I could read his mind. I wish I knew what he was thinking, so that I could make my own decisions based on that. I wish I knew what his intentions were. Does he want to be friends? Does he miss me? Is he regretting his decision? It's a decision that can't be changed.
9:21 PM
Saturday, September 05, 2009
I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO GO AWAY8:58 PM
