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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Friday, October 30, 2009
Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about S. It just dredges up all my thoughts of him. Well maybe I need to get them out.I got a new cell phone somewhere in the mess post break up. It was because I couldn't stand to see pictures of us that I had taken with it. I couldn't stand all the texts I had saved from him. I couldn't stand to hear it ring, only to know it wasn't him because it wasn't the ring I had assigned to his number.
And yet... I couldn't bring myself to delete these things. In a way, those texts are evidence that he once was crazy about me. Even if that S doesn't exist anymore, he exists in my old cell phone.
So I bought a new phone. A fresh phone, no texts or pictures or rings to haunt me. A fresh start. I still programmed his number into it... but other than that, there are no reminders of him in it.
My old cell phone sits on a shelf on my desk now. Not quite hidden, but definitely obscured.
1:32 AM
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Though can I confess something?S was a better kisser than J. And perhaps a better lover too.
S and I were sooo very compatible physically. Kissing him was always deep, always in harmony, and always so sensual.
Not that I don't like what I have with J. It's just not as... smooth? What's nice is that J can't resist me. It's nice to be wanted so badly. Though I guess we're still in our honeymoon stage.
8:45 PM
My life is so different now. My life here with S feels like it was ages ago. Almost surreal. I think about the routine I had with him, and I don't really miss it. I won't deny that I miss him, and I miss the intimacy we shared, and our relationship, but I don't miss the life. Like I said before, it wasn't what I had really wanted for myself, I was just too in love to care. And now I'm free of it.
And now I have J. Dating J reminds me of what it's like to date someone who is really into you. RGuy was like that, he really liked me. And I know now that I deserve it. I deserve to be with someone who really likes me.
8:38 PM
Monday, October 26, 2009
Oh another thing that was awesome - it took him almost no time to get hard again after we both came the first time. Loved it.9:55 PM
We're kinda in that honeymoon stage. Where all we want to do is stay in bed. He can't keep his hands off me.
I was on the 2nd day of my period, so we kinda made a mess in his bathroom getting it on. He was sitting and I climbed on top. As things got going, he picked me up and f*cked me standing up. He was able to hold me like I weighed nothing. It was impressive... and good.
Hmm... I should give him a call...
9:39 PM
Saw J again today. And we got busy ha. He thinks my body is beautiful. And unlike with other guys, I'm not going to tell him what I don't like about my own body. If I don't point my flaws out, then he can keep believing that I'm perfect.
2:14 AM
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Uh oh... I think I'm really starting to like J. Isn't it funny how sex will do that to a girl?When we were kissing yesterday, he said "I've been waiting to do this." And I said "me too." And we kissed for a long time. A loooong time. It was great. We even watched eachother as we kissed. Watching eachother makes it very intimate. And in my memory it becomes very dream like. And now it occupies my thoughts.
12:46 AM
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I feel kinda strange. I had my 4th date with J yesterday. And we slept together.And I know that this relatively conservative for most people. But for me... that was the most casually I've ever slept with someone.
Maybe I just feel that way because I know for myself this thing with him is casual. Because I already know that I will not end up with him.
Of course things could change. But I don't think they will.
While we were kissing, he told me I was beautiful.
And it was the first time a boy had sincerely told me that.
So although I feel a bit freaked out about having sex with him, at the same time it felt good to have physical intimacy.
1:28 AM
Thursday, October 22, 2009
I have moments when I feel abandoned.I don't like hearing about partners. Because I was dumped by mine.
1:44 AM
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It's funny. All I wanted to do was make S happy. I wanted to make dinners he would love. I wanted to hold his hand in the car, like we always did. I wanted to see him smile at me.Today I am having a wave of loneliness. I let a few tears fall today on my drive home from work.
It still hurts. And I still don't understand.
10:33 PM
Something I've observed. If you're in a couple, and only one of you displays pictures of the two of you (at work, on their desk), that's a bad sign.
2:15 AM
I may look small, but I'm a bit of a maneater.
2:14 AM
Saturday, October 17, 2009
I haven't talked to him in 4 weeks. And it's been 2 months since the break up. He's almost a myth in my head now. And although I've managed to move on (I guess) and I also have a better life here than I did before, I haven't completely purged him out of my system. And how can I?I remember when I walked out on him. I remember saying "I have to go" and jumping up from the couch and gathering up all my things from around his house. I remember when I said good bye, his eyes were red. His eyes are so big and beautiful that the red was very distinctive. Was he crying? I don't know. I don't think he's shed a single tear over me.
I have managed to do as I have through sheer determination. I was determined to get over him as quickly as he managed to get over me. If it only took him 2 weeks to decide he didn't want me anymore, I certainly didn't want to waste anytime getting over him. I tried so hard. I faltered a few times, but here I am. A survivor?
7:52 PM
Saturday, October 10, 2009
I think I can say with some confidence now that I am over the worst of it.How much of this is due to J? Who knows.
S doesn't occupy all my thoughts anymore.
I still have my moments though, sure.
I have to admit that S was beautiful. Beautiful face, beautiful body. We had physical chemistry for sure. I will miss how affectionate he was. His body loved me, even if his heart no longer did.
The upside is that I am free from the life I had committed to, a life I do not think was what I wanted for myself. I am better off.
I was happy with him, of course. But it was almost a desperate happiness. I think that things can, and will be better. I believe in the possibility of a better happiness.
2:12 AM
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
So I went on my second date with J. And he's cute. And really nice. And considerate. And I don't think we're headed towards the "just friends" category. He touched me a few times on my back, which I love. I was debating in my head whether or not I wanted to kiss him at the end of the date or not. I actually wanted to. I have to admit I'm craving physical affection.But when it came right down to it, I couldn't. We just hugged again.
I think that I don't know how to first kiss someone anymore. The thing is, S and I were in perfect harmony when it came to kissing. We were so physically compatible. So much so, I wonder deep inside if our lust for eachother was the basis for our relationship and "love."
So I wonder... is the reason why I couldn't kiss J because I only want to kiss S?
I used to be so brave with kisses. I had no problem reaching up on my tip toes and kissing someone. Perhaps that's where I got myself into trouble with S. So now... I don't know.
I think I just need J to be the one to kiss me. Right now he's just being a gentleman (I think) because really it's only been 2 dates. I don't know.
12:44 AM
Monday, October 05, 2009
I think S has taken away my belief in true love.He insisted he really did love me. How could someone truly be in love with someone only to have it disappear in a pouf? The conclusion I have come to is that love doesn't really exist.
1:31 AM
Saturday, October 03, 2009
It's been about 2 weeks since we've last spoken. And I'm kinda bitter about that. I know it's all part of the process... but still...I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed that it had to go down this way. Maybe it's the only way. Maybe it's the way it's supposed to be. But I can't help it. I wanted him to call me. I wanted to call him... but I was talked out of it.
On the upside, I haven't cried about him this week. And I did go on a date with a really nice guy this past Tuesday. Someone who brought me chocolate (!). Also, I made plans to go on a trip to Miami next month with friends, and I've made plans for this weekend too. So I'm keeping busy.
And I'm also realizing that there is an upside to being single. I'm not just saying that. Before I was just forcing myself to try to see a silver lining, but this time I actually see it. I haven't been single for this long in 8 years. Now I'm starting to remember how boy crazy I am. I think that maybe I can have some fun with my singledom.
12:35 AM
