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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
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b l o g
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Notting Hill was on TV tonight. And part way through, I started seeing parallels between the story and mine. One line in particular struck me:"It's as if I've had love heroin and I can't ever have it again"
Yeah I think I know how that feels...
10:26 PM
So I'll be leaving for Europe tomorrow. Yes this seems to be the summer that everyone is travelling.
Three weeks I'll be gone.
It'll be a good distraction from all the issues I face at home. It'll be a good way to split the summer into two. By the time I get back, there will only be a month and a half until I see S again.
I will miss him.
Won't be able to talk to him, except through email.
I wish I wasn't in love with him. If I wasn't, where would I be right now?
Hopefully being immersed in my trip, in other cultures and tons of new people - hopefully this will help me. Help me discover myself. Help me discover myself in another world - taken away from everything.
6:05 PM
Thursday, June 22, 2006
I wish I knew what he was thinking.Neither of us have mentioned the things we discussed when we said good bye back in May.
I wonder if he thinks about it.
I wonder if he expects that I will stick around, or if he's just waiting for me to be ready to move on? Find someone else?
All current signs point towards him (and me I guess) wanting to be together in September. We talk about the things we will do (e.g. mostly talk of sex, of him fixing my broken necklace). We discuss me starting the pill in preparation for his return (had too many close calls during the school term).
It seems that time has been flying by. And things are still going well. But it's only been a little over a month - can we keep it up until September rolls around again?
Is it wrong that I'm counting down the days until school starts again? I'm crazy. I should enjoy the summer more. But I spend my days thinking about him.
10:41 PM
Maybe it was lust all along.
Maybe I just didn't know the difference.
Maybe S realizes this.
Maybe S is just a friend with benefits.
But this doesn't change the fact that I think about him constantly. It doesn't change the fact that I want him, and I want to keep him.
I still think it's love. But I can't trust myself either.
7:39 PM
Monday, June 19, 2006
I miss him so much.I miss him so much.
I wish I knew what he was thinking.
Does he think I'm stupid for not leaving?
Is he secretly relieved?
Is he holding on too because he cares that much... giving in to the moment?
Or is it for the promise of sex in the fall?
What should I do? Stay or leave?
I want to stay... and I have.
But does that seal a fate of pain and a broken heart for me?
I want to be closer to him. I want him to love me. If he doesn't love me by let's say October or November... perhaps I should leave him. It would be easier to leave him for that reason.
7:21 PM
Sunday, June 18, 2006
I want to follow him, and I hate myself for that.3:05 PM
Why can't we make our own life? Why don't we have more choices?
Why are we constricted by time, location and obligations?
I wonder what would happen if we didn't have those things.
Maybe S would stay with me. Maybe we would be together until things took their natural course - stay together or go apart.
Instead we have a relationship with a semi-vague expiry date.
It hangs over my head.
I would rather say good bye because he didn't love me, or if I fell out of love with him. I would rather leave if he mistreated me.
3:01 PM
Thursday, June 15, 2006
It depresses the hell out of me to hear S talk about his future.We were on the phone tonight and he was telling me about his summer job and job offers he was getting for after he graduates. He was telling me about where he plans on living (close to his family, in his home province).
It was painful for me to hear it. Because it means a future with absolutely no room for me. Not even the remotest possibility. I didn't tell him that in so many words.
I told him that I don't like to think about the future. Cause it feels like closing doors. It feels like one big locked door.
So what I am doing here? What am I doing? Why can't I let go? Why am I so f*cking weak?
I don't want to let go. He is not helping with his emails and phone calls that make me ecstatically happy. It is not helping that I think about him constantly. Like f*cking constantly. I obsess over him. I think about sex with him constantly. I think about life with him in the fall. I think about his jawline, his eyelashes. I think about his smooth dark skin.
I hate myself.
Why do I have no self-esteem? Why I am so insecure? It's like f*cking high school all over again.
9:52 PM
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I am waay too obsessed with S.I can't help it.
I'm in love... not to mention insecure. I'm not sure I ever got over my perception that he's out of my league. Hard to go out with someone so damn good looking.
And the thing is, I never used to be attracted to his type. I like down-to-earth, quirky, tall, lanky guys (though still have yet to call one of those my bf). S is more pretty boy, just a touch cocky and shameless, cut, tall but also secretly a good kid inside. Now I have a taste for his type. Hmmm...
I'm screwed.
9:44 PM
Monday, June 12, 2006
Feel sorry for me yet?11:28 PM
What am I doing?
Am I being self destructive?
Do I know how to live my life?
Am I stupid for holding on to S?
I responded tonight to his email... and I loved his email. But what I can't help but notice is that his connection to me is a mostly sexual one. He misses sex. His email essentially reminisces over our memorable sexual encounters. He calls me sexy and hot.
And of course I miss sex too. But I also miss him because I love him. Oh god. Why are women built in with this whole sex-love connection? Vivian Green sings that she can separate the two - and I'd like to know how she does that. Cause I thought I could - but I can't. To further my point, I didn't love RGuy and therefore I never wanted to have sex with him.
My sexuality with S is part of how I express my affection for him.
Does it work that way for him at all? At least even a little bit?
So what am I doing?
But am I strong enough to be on my own? I am essentially doing that right now. I am just holding on to this phantom of a boyfriend, who is just a concept... his physical person is across the country.
My head wants to implode on itself.
My heart wants to die.
11:18 PM
I love that there's an ice cream truck that drives on my street and plays music as it goes along. It's just so.... classic.
8:04 PM
Sunday, June 11, 2006
I find that once I get over my fear of being old and therefore less likely to find someone, I start realizing that I can do this thing with S.Can I really handle that?
A lot of this is lust. The evidence for that is stronger than the emotional connection - at least for his side of things.
And as a female, I guess I am less able to know the difference between love and lust. I cannot help but feel the connection. And then males, they know the difference.
Why is that?
2:06 AM
Saturday, June 10, 2006
S sent me the most awesome email. He was a little tipsy, so I guess it made him all lusty or whatever. I loved it. He told me about what he was up to and at the very end he was reminiscing about times we had. It was sexy.It made me miss him too. Even more.
He talked about his family and how they were all down. And how it was great, but that they were leaving Sunday or Monday. And on my 3rd giddy read through of his email, it struck me how close he is with his family and how much they probably all love eachother. And how much they probably love him.
It makes me feel far away from him.
But I need him too.
I need him too - what about me?
5:32 PM
Monday, June 05, 2006
I recognize you love.Although this is my first time - I knew you from before. You seem so familiar. Movies and music... they weren't that far off. I know what they mean.
I allowed myself to be romantacized. I watched Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and Wicker Park. I allowed myself to be romantacized.
I let myself drift off into my musings and optimism.
But then I remember.
As much as I pull the blindfold over my own eyes... as much as I wish it wasn't so...
I cannot let myself fool myself into thinking that what I have with S is the real thing... that it is my happily ever after.
It isn't.
It is my temporary lust. It is my fantasy. We are both make believing. It is not what I really want it to be.
IT IS NOT REAL.
But I can't help but pretend... for my moments of weakness.
10:37 PM
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Got another call from S today! Apparently he has a really good phone plan. Works for me!We joke about him coming down here. If flights weren't so damn expensive for going across the country he could.
We say that he could stay a few days. And we could have a honeymoon. Similar to the one we had the first time we had sex. Where we spent the whole day in his bedroom, coming out only to eat (that's why we called it a honeymoon - it has nothing to do with marriage in our case, obviously). We could only do that then because it was the first weekend of reading week - no exams to worry about. Otherwise I'm sure we would have had many more honeymoons while we were together.
I told him - I know what I want for my birthday. I want a honeymoon. By the time it's my birthday he will have moved back here for school again.
We both don't mention that there's the possibility of not being together in September. We both don't mention it even though for my sake (our sakes) we should move on? It's sort of a confusing situation. But I guess I live in a fantasy world where everything will be okay and everything will work out. Despite knowing things that point to the contrary. And I'm perfectly content to stay here at this moment in time.
7:12 PM
Saturday, June 03, 2006
I love love love his emails.I get f*cking ecstatic every time I receive one.
We both send fairly long emails... well longer than just a passing thought or whatever (so no fizzling yet!). His emails make me laugh.
The summer is passing by quickly I guess. Only three months left til September.
Though I know now that I'm strong enough, that if I thought I had to leave him, I could. I just don't want to. I know back when we said good bye in May, leaving him was not possible. It was too hard. But if I did leave him, it would have to be for a good reason. It would have to be for someone worth giving up four months with for. How horrible that I can't leave him for myself, it has to be for another man. Ah well.
11:39 AM
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Is it retarded that I'm frickin' ecstatic that S called me last night?I had just signed off MSN messenger, getting ready to go to bed. I was finally sleeping at a decent hour - or so I thought.
I got a call on my cell from a strange area code - it was him.
We talked for an hour...
I was happy because he actually called just to talk... not for any specific reason like the last two times.
I told him it was good to hear from him. He said the same for me too.
I miss him a lot.
But it's already June - the summer is moving right along.
It's definitely stupid for me to be happy that the summer is moving quickly - only because I will see him again in the fall.
I wish he was here to enjoy the summer with me.
7:09 PM
