♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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01/01/2015 - 02/01/2015 *
12/01/2017 - 01/01/2018 *
e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Look at what you've done to me. Before this year I never even noticed you. You were indistinguishable from any of the other guys in this class. Faces blending into faces.But now. If you're in the room, it's like there's an elephant in the room. I can't take my eyes off of you. I can't stop staring at you. I am acutely aware of your presence.
Look at what you've done to me.
10:15 PM
Do you suppose that part of my appeal is my vulnerability?
9:49 PM
Monday, March 27, 2006
So I bought some new undies - and sorta had S in mind. Got the idea in my head when he saw my yellow bra and said "Oooh... I haven't seen this one before." And I realized that I don't have enough fun lingerie. I have the occasional fun colour, but mostly my bras are practical, meant for looking good under clothes, and not necessarily anthing special on their own - and I don't have any matching bra/panty sets.So I went to the mall with one of my other roomies, and we went to H&M. I picked out a sheer floral, deep-rose coloured set, and a lacy olive green set.
The lacy green set went over really well with S. I was honestly just trying them on for him just to show him. However, when he saw it on me, we didn't end up leaving the house for an hour or two. So dinner was really late that night.
Just to see the look in his eyes. It was the same way he looked at me the first time he saw me naked. It's like he had a new set of eyes on and had to explore me like it was the very first time. So yeah - he really liked it.
Now I understand why lingerie is a such a big deal. I think I will be on the look for a red set next.
10:35 PM
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
SINS COMMITTED BY RGUY
- Told me that my ex-boyfriend before him had used me
- Told me that his mother, brother and aunt never liked me anyway
- Told his friends I didn’t treat him well and that’s why we broke up (not true)
- Told his roommates about my sex life, subsequently they called me hoe, slut, skank
- None of his friends (who were my friends too for four years) will even look me in the eye
- Contacted a fiancé of my friend (who he only knows through me, and who he barely talks to) to talk about how bad the break up was – three months after the break up
- When I started dating someone new he accused me of making him look like a fool and showing people that he was not worth getting over when he was also dating someone at the exact same time
- Let his friends blog about a warped version of our relationship, and then left a comment “You’ve got it right on”
THE TRUTH
- Had an ongoing problem with erectile dysfunction, and that’s why I hated having sex with him
- Had horrible tasting sperm, and that’s another reason why I hated having sex with him
- When I told him that I wanted to use a condom during oral sex he refused
- I did my best to compromise for him, while my friends said I was a saint
- He never once told me, or even hinted, that I didn’t treat him well or that I made him unhappy
- I did made him happy
- He was my best friend
10:01 PM
RGuy is really bitter.
I can see it. It's not hidden.
He'll message friends of friends and say:
"Oh so I guess you heard about Erica and I?"
"Oh yeah... I was holding her back for so long"
What the f*ck???
And then his friends f*cking make references to the relationship RGuy and I had in their f*cking xanga blog. It's ridiculous how much they have warped what happened between RGuy and I.
Yes. RGuy has become a really bitter person.
And I am helpless to say anything about it.
12:30 AM
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
It's funny how perception is everything.It can ruin a reputation.
It can warp a relationship.
It can turn people against each other.
Who can really know the truth? Do we have any right to judge each other?
3:18 PM
Monday, March 20, 2006
He wouldn't let me kiss him because he was sick. He told me to treat it like a challenge.He let me kiss anywhere else (neck, chest, ears, cheeks) - just not his lips.
He would tease me by bringing his face in near. And we would touch noses... but he would always keep his lips out of reach.
It was hot. And it made me want to explode with desire.
I desired his lips so much.
It's not the same without the kissing. Which is funny, because RGuy and I never really kissed or made out except for the perfunctory good bye peck. We would just get down to business. But with S and I - the kissing is amazing.
I think we were so hot and bothered that eventually he gave in... and gave me what I wanted. We are both weak.
So if I get sick - well I guess I only have myself to blame - because I always get what I want. ;)
9:21 PM
It's 60/60/24/7.
I crave him.
I want to hold him... I want to put my arms around his gorgeous torso and hold on...
I want to kiss him - you have no idea - he is an amazing kisser. We have crazy kissing chemistry.
I love to smell his scent. His musky, sweet scent.
I want him to make me scream...
1:27 AM
Friday, March 17, 2006
So I think that I'm not in love yet.I think the feeling that I'm feeling is the possibility of love. I'm not quite there yet, but it could happen. It's in the cards - should things keep progressing the way they are, it could be the real thing.
But I'm getting ahead of myself again.
For now I should just enjoy the newness of everything. Enjoy the fresh lust. Enjoy the passion. Enjoy the hugs where we really feel it.
11:10 PM
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Had another revelation.I said the last time I liked someone this much was Tim.
That was probably also the last time I hooked up with someone that I had a crush on before hand.
So what's the message in this?
I should only date guys that I actually like first, instead of just casually accepting advances. It makes the whole thing much more meaningful. It helps me avoid disasters like what my relationship with RGuy turned into.
11:49 PM
I like him so much, I'm f*cking terrified.
I want to make him sit down and promise me things. I want him to promise me that things will always be okay between us. Together or not. That he will never let things get to the way they were the week following Montreal.
Y'know what, the only other time I think I liked someone so much was Tim. That was a long time ago. I remember being heartbroken over him for months and months afterwards. But the way things are between Tim and I now are interesting. We pretty much never see eachother. Just the odd time once or twice a year. And we don't exactly enter into conversation at those times either. But I think we both feel this sorta underlying... something when we see eachother. I'm not sure what he's thinking. But it's not like I'm helpless to his charms or something. I feel in control.
Wow this must mean that I really like younger guys.
9:06 PM
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Ode to SYou're so beautiful. It makes me stare at you in awe.
I love that you get embarassed when I admire you out loud. You look down and blush.
I love that you let me touch your lashes - and I try to do so gently. I follow the line of your facial features with my fingertips. I brush your hair from your face, and run my fingers through it.
I wish I didn't have to let you go... we never speak about it... but I feel the loss already...
11:50 PM
I'm still so angry at RGuy.
My sex life is none of his friend's business. I gave RGuy full disclosure, but that's because I would never lie to him. But that doesn't mean that all his friends should know all about it.
Friends don't do that to each other. We are not friends. He sacrificed any potential friendship we might have had. It's like the four years we had together meant nothing to him. This messy break up just made him forget that we had a good thing for a long time. I want to punish him.
Maybe I won't as mad by the time we talk next.
8:39 PM
Monday, March 13, 2006
Okay so let me philosophize for a moment...So you're supposed to know somehow when you're in love - when you're in love for real.
And I always used to think that this was bullsh*t.
But maybe it's when you just feel like you'll do anything for this person. Like you'll go out of your way to please them. You want to do something for them that will make them happy.
Maybe when it's like that - that's when you know it's love.
With RGuy, it's not like I didn't want him to be happy. And I know I made him happy. But that was with little effort on my part. So that was different. And near the end... I was a little less happy to do things that I had to go out of my way to do. I should have left him earlier - for both our sakes.
With S... I'm scared. I think I might love him. Or is it infatuation??? I don't know.
11:16 PM
I can tell that we're getting closer.
I can tell by the way that he kissed me on the cheek today. We were just sitting next to each other on my bed comparing school assignments, and he just leaned over and gave me this kiss on my cheek. It was a perfect kiss - sweet but firm.
I can tell by the way that he smiles at me. The way that he lets me stare at his face, the way he looks back at me.
I just know it. I know he's falling for me - at least a little bit. I know I've fallen pretty hard for him. Maybe it's dangerous to think such things, but I can't help it.
12:49 AM
Friday, March 10, 2006
So RGuy has written as part of his Friendster profile: "I can't stay on bad terms with anybody."And presumeably he means me? Because he has said this phrase to me before.
F*ck man. I feel like he's pointing this out to say "Oh I'm such a good guy. I want to be friends with everyone despite all the sh*tty things they do to me. " What a f*cking martyr.
Him and his friends have f*cking demonized me. It pisses me off. They all turned against me and called me all sorts of names.
Okay fine, he had to do what he had to do to get over me. And that's fine. Whatever works for him.
But he can't expect me to be friends with him afterwards. It just doesn't work that way.
He should be friends with me because we were so close for so long, not because he wants to show the world what a f*cking saint he is because he is willing to not be angry at me for some sin I supposedly committed.
6:37 PM
Wow... he takes care of me. He pays for everything... even though I'm a few years older. He feeds me. He keeps me warm.
12:53 AM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
More things I want to say, but can't (yet):Dear RGuy,
I never wanted to hurt you. It was next to impossible to break up with you. We were such good friends and we cared about each other so much. But I know we both realized afterwards that this break up was long over due, and it was the best thing for both of us.
If I could have protected you, I would have. But I can't not live my life just to spare your feelings.
Erica
10:35 AM
I'm a sucker, and I know it.
I know this guy is capable of treating me like sh*t, because I've seen it happen.
To his credit, after treating me like sh*t for a week, he felt really bad about it, and tried to make amends.
Even so, how much do I like this guy, that I let him into my heart again?
I told him that I was a sucker. And he said to me "Don't say that..."
And I believe that he said that with all sincerity. My heart melted.
12:44 AM
Monday, March 06, 2006
Another memory...Back during the "honeymoon", near the end...
I was lying down on his bed... and he was over me... just looking at my face. That's it. Not kissing me, not touching me.
And I asked him what he was doing. And he told me that he just wanted to remember this.
I smiled, and said "Oh but I'm sure I look like crap."
And he told me I looked great.
When I have doubts that he really likes me, I should think of this moment. Because it's so sweet. I hope he does remember me.
1:24 AM
There are two sides to every story. But even when you've heard both sides, which you probably haven't, it would still be impossible to know what really happened.
Before you judge other people, you should realize this.
The only two people that will know exactly what happened, are the two parties involved. No one else. No one else could possibly understand. There are just too many minor details, too many ways to perceive something.
1:18 AM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
To make myself feel better about how doomed things with S are, and how much it will hurt when he leaves - I like to imagine the person I'm really supposed to be with. And in my imagination, I will meet him sometime after S is gone.Yes perhaps I am descending into madness, but at least I'm expressing it here and not in my "real life."
This man. He's gentle. He's smart and logical. He's chinese. But Canadian through and through. He's got a slight build, but works out and maintains good health - like me. Did I mention that he's intelligent? And we will fall madly in love of course - the sort of love that is equal. There will not be this unbalance of feelings that seem to plague so many couples.
He will be sweet to me. And we will both do anything for the other. We won't play games. We won't even ever argue.
And, of course, in my imagination, we will date for a few years and we'll get married... all before I turn 30.
And we'll live happily ever after.
11:59 PM
Holy f*ck.
Do I love him????
Nooooo... that can't be it. I don't even know what love is!
Nooooo... I barely know him.
I'm infatuated. I'm in lust. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
11:42 PM
I think I even scare myself now with how obsessed I am.
It was never like this when I was with RGuy.
Is this what it was like for him when we were together?
I think about S pretty much 60/60/24/7. All the time.
I want to talk to him. I want to see him. I want to hang out all the time. I crave him.
And I can see how unhealthy it is. I'm an intelligent, independant woman. I'm no spring chicken either, I've been in relationships before - I've seen a lot. But here I am.
9:49 PM
Friday, March 03, 2006
I want more... I want more. I know I'm selfish and obsessed, but I have to have what I have to have.Screw school, because we are so busy, but also screw the coming of summer, because it means goodbye.
Why can't I just have what I want?
And what I want is him. Right here. Right now.
12:47 AM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I really am Carrie Bradshaw. And I'm not just saying that in the way that most people say that (e.g. "Oh I'm a Miranda because I'm cynical"), but I'm saying that I can relate to the things she's gone through.Specifically, Episode 69 (learning that you can't hide from love in your friends - at least not in the long term) and Episode 72 (coming to terms with your critics). I find comfort in watching these episodes - thank goodness I own all the seasons on DVD!
6:09 PM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
It's amazing how universal the story of love is.You think that your situation is unique, that no one has ever felt or experienced things like you have before.
When in fact, it's the same story again and again.
It's uncanny how I can hear a song, or see something on TV, and it mirrors back my life to me.
6:51 PM
Thinking back on Montreal.
Things were so surreal and strange. But I never really thought too hard about anything. I just accepted things. And lived from breath to breath.
It was like I never really believed things were happening as they were happening.
But I'm glad things are happening now. I can't imagine the regret I would be feeling if they weren't. I wouldn't even know what I would be missing out on.
12:28 AM
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Or will they?
12:08 AM
