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Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
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e y e s
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b l o g
Monday, July 24, 2006
Why am I so sexual with S?I realize it's a little bit about power.
I feel my most confident when I'm being a vixen. I feel sexy and in control. It's when I feel I have his attention 100%... his weakness.
But it sorta backfires... because it's my weakness too. I am genetically engineered as a female to be a little less able to differentiate between love and lust.
So the more sexual I am with him, instead of gaining power, I lose it. Because I become more and more attached.
10:34 PM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Always want what we can't have right?I find it hard to justify to friends why I'm still with S.
Some of the reasons I have come up with:
- Why sacrifice 4 or 8 months of happiness with him?
- Maybe I will be okay saying good bye to him again when he leaves for good. I've already had to do it once.
- I haven't found anyone worth leaving him for yet.
- How can I give him up? He's gorgeous.
- I love him.
- I can't face him in class this fall and not be with him. I want to avoid awkwardness at all costs.
- I can't leave him because I secretly hope he will fall in love with me. Even if he can't stay with me, I still want his love.
- I can't leave him because part of me still thinks there's the slimmest possibility that he will change his mind.
- The sex is too good to give up.
3:57 PM
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I got what I wanted. I got my precious email from him (note the word precious is said with a hint of sarcasm...). Of course I read it probably 20 times today (no sarcasm this time).I know, I'm nuts. I know it.
I need to just calm down. To see this for what it is.
It's fun. It's great. But a big deal, it is not. Or it should not be.
The relief I feel after reading his emails, or hearing from him, is just so immense. Why do I have to go through it every time though?
10:49 PM
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Wow how did I get so tragic? So pathetic?I am actually disappointed with each new email I get that isn't from him.
Why do I need my ego to be stroked by this guy?
So vulnerable - I hate myself for it.
So my trip to Europe was not quite the epiphany of my life that I was hoping for.
But it was amazing nevertheless. In fact, I really wish I was still there. Still travelling, still seeing new things, still just having fun.
With respect to my love life, I did manage to not think about S every single second of the day. I did talk about him to people, and I did take pleasure in their exclamations on how good looking he is when I showed them his picture.
And I did have lots of opportunities to just talk about my situation. Did I gain a deeper understanding of it all? I don't know - maybe.
I did meet these girls on my trip that will eventually find themselves in an arranged marriage. And they were okay with it, it was what they wanted. And it was interesting to hear their perspective. It helped me see a bit more where S is coming from.
So that being a completely separate issue... focusing on the here and now... the fact of the matter is that I am needy. I never knew how capable I was of being this way. But there it is.
10:26 PM
I make myself sick.
Why am I so insecure?
Loving S is incredibly agonizing.
I love him and I am ecstatic to be with him.
At the same time part of me still doesn't believe that I am with him. How is it that he is even attracted to me? What holds him to me? His sense of duty? His pity for me? Sex? It's not love...
I'm in agony because I am so f*cking needy. I cling to every word he sends my way. I wait for my phone to light up. I wait for his emails to appear. I f*cking rejoice when I do hear from him.
Why does it have to be like that?
Why can't people be matched up better? Why can't equal efforts be thrown into the relationship? Why is it like this?
It's a vicious cycle. In private I agonize and worry. But then the world turns around when I do get affection from him.
He probably doesn't even realize how my world teeters and totters for him. He probably doesn't even realize.
6:31 PM
