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Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Saturday, November 28, 2009
The tears have dried... for now... and now I'm left with a bit of melancholy...This is why I think I'm manic. I'm so very low tonight... and just a week ago I was still on my vacation high...
I can't even begin to express how messed up the whole situation is.
I really don't know if I'll ever really fall out of love with S. How awful.
12:34 AM
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wow I am so prone to loneliness.In the car just now, had a mini sob fest. Because I miss S so much.
How sad and pathetic am I?
I guess it didn't help that I was alone, and also grocery shopping alone, and going home to no one, and it was dark. Christmas music was playing in the grocery store, which made me feel even lonelier.
But I really do miss him.
I don't even know what he's feeling.
But seeing as how it's possible that he was never in love with me really, likely he doesn't miss me at all. And seeing as how I was deeply, deeply, permanently in love with him - I miss him.
We haven't spoken in a few months now. What is supposed to happen next? Are we just supposed to disappear from each other's lives? And is that permanent? Is that what I want? What does he want? He probably wants nothing.
9:07 PM
Monday, November 23, 2009
Just got back from my trip. And I have the post-travel blues... It's always so hard to return to real life after a really fun vacation.J picked me up from the airport and had a coffee waiting for me, which was actually really sweet of him. We spent the entire weekend together. We ate out, we ate in, we slept a TON, watched a TON of TV and had sex probably 5 or 6 times (I lost count).
So now we've been dating just under 2 months. And I think he likes me a lot. Which worries me a little. Because I'm not sure if my feelings match his, and if they will be able to catch up.
1:45 AM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
We went through a box of 12 condoms in 3 days. Sweet. The sex is pretty good actually ("Don't you want to bang me?" "I really want to bang you").But it did cross my mind today that this isn't forever. That this could end and things would be okay. Though I do really like him. And he's so nice to me. He's always asking me how I am and making sure that I'm okay. And he told me a few times today that he really enjoyed the last couple days with me. And thanking me for spending time with him. He's sweet as sugar.
2:24 AM
Monday, November 09, 2009
The sex is really good. He tells me how much fun he has with me. And I find myself liking him more and more.He was on the phone with his brother, and in reference to me called me his "girl." I liked that.
We haven't had the boyfriend/girlfriend, defining ourselves talk. And I've been thinking that I prefer to not have that conversation yet. I'm trying to resist doing anything to make things more serious than they are already naturally. I'm worried about the outcome of this one. I feel a little reckless. But I can't help myself.
1:25 AM
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I have a lot of fun hanging out with J.He's super affectionate. And not just with his body language, but also with his words.
Also when we have sex, I've learned very quickly, we don't just have sex once, we usually do it three times at once, with short pauses in between. It's kinda awesome. He also gets, and stays hard quite easily.
Today I was nuzzling his chest. Which was my first time doing it with him (I did it all the time with S). This is when I bury my face in a guy's chest and nuzzle him. I guess it's one of my ways of showing affection. J's response was to pick me up and take me to his bedroom.
I think he likes me a lot.
2:54 AM
Love really does suck. It's funny because it's not like I've made this new discovery that no one else has ever realized before. It's been said before again and again. And it's true. Love really is horrible. It makes you blind. So so blind. It makes you ache.
It certainly made me ache.
It made me so blind that I followed a boy across the country away from my friends and family. I followed him despite the fact that I probably knew deep down that he didn't care for me nearly as much as I cared for him. I wanted to marry him so much, even though I knew it meant a huge sacrifice for me. I would have lost myself in him.
Only love could make me do something so stupid.
So I guess I should be grateful that I was set free. From the situation at least, if not from love.
Because part of me will probably always love him. Stupidly. But right now a bigger part of me wishes he didn't exist.
1:44 AM
Thursday, November 05, 2009
I think I'm falling for him. I kept staring at his face today. His eyes especially - are beatiful.He showed a touch of jealousy today... just a touch. And not in a bad way. It would take an unusual guy to not wonder why the girl he's dating is going to Miami with 4 males. The only thing I've told him really is that one of them is my really good friend. He just asked me if there was anything that had ever gone down between me and my friend. And I reassured him no. It was actually kinda nice that he asked. To see that he was wondering about it. Showed he was human.
He also found out more details about my break up with S. My fault I guess, because I mentioned him when I talked about how I used to park at his place when I went on my trips. J asked me what had happened. So I gave him more details about why S had broken up with me. I told him it was messy. But also that I haven't talked to him in almost 2 months. That we weren't on bad terms really. Not sure.
So I asked J, "Have you ever had your heart broken?" And he said yes. He touched briefly on his previous break ups. That he doesn't keep in touch with any of his ex-girlfriends.
And I asked, "Have you ever been in love?"
He said no. And I told him he was better off (I was letting my cynical side show).
After talking to J about S, I couldn't help but look down. I couldn't help but feel sad. I know he noticed. So he took my hand and squeezed it.
12:29 AM
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
I think I know what I was trying to articulate yesterday. I think I've reached the point where I would rather pretend that S no longer exists. I think that pretending that he doesn't exist anymore has been the easiest way to cope.It's funny the stages I went through. Not sure how well they correspond to the stages of grieving, but I think that my emotions have definitely been evolving.
At first I was devastated. Crying and crying. And all I wanted to do was talk to him, see him.
I definitely went through a denial stage where my mind twisted things in my head. The reality of what happened got a little fuzzy, but I managed to hold it together. I still wanted to talk to him at this stage.
I've also had periods of anger through out.
And now I'm at the stage where I don't want to know anything about him. I don't want evidence that he still exists. Evidence of his existence make me mad. Luckily for me, it hasn't been too hard to completely cut him out. Our friends don't overlap here. He works in a completely different area. I don't really need to even been in his neighbourhood ever.
I've even debated if I'll even let him know when I've moved back home. We haven't talked in over a month (I've lost track how many weeks). I anticipate moving home some time next year. Will we even be in contact ever? What would be the point of letting him know? Would he even care? Does it make a difference?
8:23 PM
One thing I can say for S, is that he always appreciated my underthings. He always admired my lingerie, he liked lacy things, he liked sheer things.
He would get this look on his face when he saw me dressed up. When I dressed in lingerie for him, he would be more tender with me, he would take his time.
He liked all my underwear, and claimed he could guess which one I wore just by touching them - he would feel the texture and shape and know exactly which one I was wearing. He paid attention, he even noticed when I wore something new.
And although I mostly wore thongs everyday, he would be a little disappointed on the rare days I wore "full back" underwear. Unless it was sheer.
J on the other hand, he hasn't really ever commented on my under things. Not that I've worn the big guns for him, but I've worn some lacy, sheer things for him. Not a word from him. Oh well. I guess he does put my underwear away carefully once he's taken them off.
8:16 PM
Okay I take it back, the sex with J is pretty good. His special talent is staying hard. Seriously. It's kinda awesome.
He's also very generous with his compliments. He told me again how pretty he thinks I am. How good I look. It's so nice to be admired.
It's actually pretty dangerous territory. I worry that we might get too serious. Which was never my plan. I don't know what I was thinking. I started dating again so soon mostly as a way to distract myself from the pain of my break up with S. And a part of that became a way to have revenge on S. Though really, I'm not sure I want him to know what I'm up to. I don't know if I want him to know anything about me now. I don't want any contact at all right now. Because the whole thing is just too confusing. I don't know how I feel. And I certainly don't know how he feels. I don't know what he's doing, how he's doing. Knowing anything about him would also be too weird.
Do I want him to be jealous that I'm with someone else? Do I want him to be jealous that this other man is f*cking me?
Or do I want him to think of me as this innocent girl who would never do anything like that?
Do I want to know if he's happy or miserable? Do I want to know if he even thinks about me at all? Do I want to know if he even looks at other girls? Do I want to know anything???
So I guess not having any contact at all is a good idea. I just don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to be confused anymore.
2:54 AM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
J tells me how pretty I look. He calls me beautiful. He tells me how good I feel ("tight"). I eat it all up. It's so nice to be admired.I was thinking about it today. How beautiful S really is. And how stupid and weak it made me. His looks were really devastating. Even when he was doing nothing more than just watching me fall apart. Especially then. Devastating. Something in the smoothness of his skin and the intensity of his eyes.
And I think that I can never see him again. Even casually. It would be too hard.
2:12 AM
