♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
♥
About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Wow I even surprise myself with how angry I still am at RGuy.I just deleted him off my MSN contact list. Partially tempted to block him too, but I didn't. Not that we've talked on MSN at all anyway.
I want to tell him to F*ck off. Repeatedly. While screaming. And I want to tell him to go to hell.
I want to tell him how much I hate him. I want to tell him how classless I think he is.
This is what I want to say:
"You couldn't just accept that maybe things just weren't meant to be. You had to turn me into a f*cking monster instead. Well F*CK YOU!! F*CK YOU!!"
12:17 PM
So I did it. I told him.
And I didn't say it exactly how I had planned, but I did say it.
He didn't say it back, which is too bad, but not surprising... After a bit of a pause where I was clutching him, with my face buried in his chest, he said he didn't know what to say, and I said "S'ok" - and I meant it.
I compared myself to an immediate release pill - I think I am able to know how I feel about a guy within the first three months.
But we were able to talk. I was able express myself to him - my fears about the summer, etc. I was able to tell him all the things I was afraid to tell him. Like how thinking about him leaving for the summer was breaking my heart. And how I knew that for where I am right now, I would follow him after graduation - I would follow him across the country. But only if he would allow me.
I told him I had been scared to tell him out of fear of scaring him off. And he told me that he doesn't scare easily - that it would take a lot to bother him.
We were able to talk openly about our relationship.
And I cried in front of him. The tears were flowing. And afterwards, he told me no more tears. :)
And I think we are closer now.
He still held my hand as we walked down the street together. He still paid for my food. He still smiled at me. He still cuddled me in bed this morning and last night.
And we actually talk about September as if we already know that we will be together then - without really talking about the logistics of the summer yet. But I think it might just work.
1:11 AM
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
So so so...I think I will tell him tonight. We have a date after our exam today. And I've planned out exactly what I want to say (hopefully it won't sound too rehearsed if and when I say it).
"I know lately I've been sorta needy and clingy. And I apologize for that. And I know exactly why I'm acting this way. It's because I've fallen really hard for you. I love you S. I just wanted you to know that."
I tacked that last sentence on so that it sorta takes the pressure off of him feeling like he has to say it back, but it's open enough that he has to say something. I have to be careful to keep quiet after that last sentence so that I don't cut him off because I'm scared of what he will say. I do want to hear a response though.
Hopefully it will all go well. If I even work up the nerve to say it.
12:56 PM
Sunday, April 23, 2006
I'm in so much pain I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.I love him and it's eating me alive. It's killing me.
Maybe he should set me free so that I can move on. But I know that I would take him in any way or form, even if I couldn't keep him in the long run.
8:30 PM
I don't want people to think that I'm crazy and that I'm completely unaware of it. They should know that I'm crazy and I'm completely aware of it.
I hate this.
I hate that S has turned me into a girl. I used to be so strong. With RGuy, I was definitely the "man" of the relationship - the one that didn't need doting, the one that was not needy.
Now I've turned into this stereotype. I hate it.
I was talking to my friend, and she had been in a very similar situation to me. But she's over it now, and she dismisses it as infatuation. She's relaxed a lot more in her relationship and she says she's content. I guess I hope that may happen to me too. But part of me wants this, but I guess only if it has a happy ending. Is it so wrong that I want to keep him?
1:20 PM
I don't want to be one of those sad stories.
I don't want to be that girl that threw her heart away on a boy that she could not keep.
I don't want to be her.
That wasn't supposed to be me.
Oh I've shed too many tears over this.
1:17 AM
I almost told him today.
We were lying in bed this morning. I had to leave to go back home - otherwise I would have slept in with him.
I was up. And staring at his face. He was drifting in and out of sleep, occasionally opening his eyes to look at me. He must have known I was watching him.
And I debated it back and forth in my head.
Part of me was telling me to just spit it out. How hard is it to form words with your mouth? The other part of me was screaming no... to put brakes on it and think of the consequences. I was trying to work up the courage to do it. I was trying to make myself expect that he would definitely 100% say no (I mostly already believe that, but I also still believe that there's the tiniest chance that he may say it back).
So I didn't do it.
I figured if I told him, I would have to leave, we wouldn't have time to talk about it, or let it sink in. And then I'd be going out of my mind wondering what he was thinking.
But I have to do it. Before he leaves.
For his sake - so he can know. And also for my own sake.
I shouldn't deny myself this. Saying "I love you" to the first person I've ever felt it for real for. I shouldn't miss out on that. If I never say it, and then he leaves for home this summer for four months - maybe I will always regret it.
12:39 AM
More text messages sent subsequent to those ones below... and after we made up.
S
Sexy girl! Thinking of stoppping by at 10-10:30. Kinda in bad shape for med chem. Hope that's ok. I'll call later to confirm
Sent: 4:58pm 02/04
S
Are u using you're powers on me right now, cause when i try to study, i keep thinking of u. Why you gotta be so damn sexy?
Sent: 12:45PM 02/11
12:20 AM
Saturday, April 22, 2006
What his text message had said:"If you don't completely hate me i hope you will let me explain why i've been such an asshole. This whole thing is really bothering me. Please let me kno"
Sent: 1:49AM 01/27
My reply that morning:
"Come find me after therapeutics then"
Sent: 8:22AM 01/27
10:49 AM
Friday, April 21, 2006
Back in January... after Montreal... during the bad times...There was that week of heartbrokeness and confusion.
I remember trying to cry. But I couldn't. Instead the emotions just sat there... sat heavily in my chest, I could feel it on my face. It was horrible. It was unbearable.
I remember going to bed the Thursday night... and woken up so groggily Friday morning for class. It was a strange wake up because there was a beeping noise. Not my alarm.
It took me a while to figure out that the beeping was coming from inside my room. In my sleepiness I figured out it was my phone. I had a text message.
And it was from S. The message had been sent around 1:30 AM. It said that he wanted to explain himself, if I would give him a chance.
It was then that I was finally able to cry.
9:54 AM
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I feel kinda sick and nauseous when I think about how hard I've fallen for this guy. And how much it will hurt when he leaves.Sick and nauseous.
I want to die when I think about it.
I don't want anymore heartbreak.
How cliched is it? That I want to settle down.
I'm at that age.
I love him. But I'm terrified of his reaction if I tell him.
I want to be with him.
I wish I didn't. I wish I could be as casual about this as I was with any other relationship I had when I was younger.
But I don't want to just date around anymore. I want to find the one.
I guess you can love more than one person.
But I don't want to.
I've found someone I love... and I want him.
11:12 PM
Dear S,
A love letter for you. A love letter you will never see. But it's all the things I want to say.
I love that you have random nicknames for me in private. You call me silly girl, monkey, silly monkey, sexy girl. In public you call me by my name or you call me babe.
I love that you made up a story about spiders in my room to freak me out. I love that your story was silly and funny. (Actually truth be told, RGuy used to make up silly stories to tell me too. So I see it as a sign that you care about me and you love to make me laugh even if it means letting your tough guy exterior down).
I love that you are handy. It's masculine and sexy to watch you take a screwdrive to my desk.
I love that you work out. You care about your body and your health. Watching you do push ups on my yoga mat was hot.
I love that you pick up my phone calls within 2 rings. I always worry that I'm harassing you or calling you too much. But your quick response is reassuring.
I love that you sing along with my playlist. Another sign of you letting your guard down.
I love when you look at me in the eye. Your stare is intense. Your eyes are beautiful.
I love that you stayed over for three nights in a row. Even though you didn't have a change of clothes. Or even underwear. Even though we had a big exam. That was awesome.
BUT I hate that you don't always notice me when I'm in the room or you don't always look for me. I know the second you enter the room - I can't ignore you. And I know exactly where you are.
I hate that you don't sit with me. I don't want to sit together in class either, I want to sit with my friends too. But I wish you wanted to sit with me during the potluck. It's all good that we have our independance, but I'm scared that you are acting the way I did with RGuy.
I hate hate hate that you are so close with GG. It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't eat it up. It wouldn't be so bad if you hadn't grinded with her at her birthday (okay I know it was before we got together). It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't make me feel so freaking insecure with her keen sense of style, her confidence and her cool accessories. It wouldn't be so bad if I was the only one that noticed the whatever it is between you two (and I'm not).
I wish you put a picture of us on your cell phone. I wish you put a picture of us on your MSN. I wish you were more reassuring about the summer. I wish you wanted to stay.
But I love you. I do love you. I love you.
Erica
1:42 AM
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I love you S.Phew! That wasn't so hard! Now all I have to do is say it outloud. To him. In person.
Worst case scenario - he freaks out and dumps me.
Best case scenario - he says it back (and then we live happily ever after - ha!).
Most likely scenario - something in between the worst case and best case scenario.
11:30 PM
Time is so freaking fleeting.
I think I will try to work up the nerve to say it. Cause I may regret it if I never say it. Maybe? I dunno.
10:12 PM
Here's the other thing I've realized.
I've developed some serious anger issues since my break up with RGuy. I'm still so angry at him, and also so angry at other people. When I think about the way that these particular people behaved, I get so frustrated. I haven't been able to let it go.
I'm going to try to work on that. It seems that all the love in the world I have for S does not cancel out the anger I have when it comes to that other part of my life.
How to resolve it?
The first solution that comes to mind is working out. It's how I dealt with things after the whole KGuy fiasco. It's how I discovered Pilates hahaha... that was more than four years ago. I think the endorphins released from exercise will help.
6:12 PM
I love this song now: Corinne Bailey Rae - Like A Star
It's how I feel about S...
"Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same,
Just like a song in my heart,
Just like oil on my hands,
Oh.. I do love you,
Still i wonder why it is,
I don't argue like this,
With anyone but you,
We do it all the time,
Blowing out my mind,
You've got this look i can't describe,
You make me feel like I'm alive,
When everything else is a fade,
Without a doubt you're on my side,
Heaven has been away too long,
Can't find the words to write this song,
Oh.,.. Your love,
I have come to understand,
The way it is,
It's not a secret anymore,
'cause we've been through that before,
From tonight I know that you're the only one,
I've been confused and in the dark,
Now I understand..."
5:43 PM
And it's happening again.
I'm thrown into another depressive episode after saying good bye to S. After spending the night with him.
This time I have more perspective on why.
I'm in love with a man I know will leave me.
I'm so in love with him, I know already that I will do anything to be with him.
The question is - will he let me?
I haven't told him that I love him yet. I lose my nerve in his presence. I almost want to call him right now to tell him. But instead I will pour my heart out into this blog.
5:32 PM
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Why is it that I fall in love with a man that is the equivalent of forbidden fruit? Ha - Romeo and Juliet. Cultural, religious and geographical obstacles. All individually, in their own right, big deals.Maybe it's all in the timing. Perhaps I just happen to be in that stage of my life where I know I'm ready and mature enough to find someone that I could be with for real. And this is the one I have happened upon.
5:50 PM
I love it when he cuddles me when we sleep. I can feel the curves of our backs and legs in line. And his arm will be thrown over me. It's a secure feeling - I feel safe.
12:57 AM
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Okay I have something to confess. It is retarded to keep secrets from your diary blog anyway.Something else happened this weekend that contributed to me and S getting closer.
The condom broke.
He checks every time - and this time he found breakage.
Oh geez.
It was horrible, but kinda funny and exacerbating at the same time.
I joked about how beautiful our baby would be. Cause mixed kids always are. Our baby would have this creamy skin - a mix between my pale Asian skin and his light brown skin. The baby would have my asian eyes (they always do). The baby would have wavy hair, since his is curly, and mine is straight with some wave in it. S and I are both blessed with full lips, so the baby would have great lips. And be thin. If it was a girl, she would probably grow to be 5'4 (taller than me for sure), and if it was a boy he would be S's height (5'11).
So when we got up this morning we went to the pharmacy to get Plan B.
When we were back out on the streets, I decided to take it right then and there, since it was already 2 PM, and the second dose needs to be taken 12 hours later. He had his nalgene with him. So I popped the first dose - a small white pill - it seemed so innocuous. Gulped it down with his water. I was worried that I would feel nauseous... and I almost did (placebo effect I guess).
I looked at him. And I told him "I know that I was joking and I thought this was almost funny last night, but I feel sorta overwhelmed right now"
He asked me if I wanted him to stay with me - since he was supposed to be on his way home. I declined, saying I would be alright (I always need to put on a strong front, and it's hard to for me to accept help when it will cause others trouble - it's the asian in me).
He decided to come back home with me anyway. He stayed. And he will call me tonight at 2 AM to remind me to take the 2nd dose.
I love him.
11:51 PM
S came over Thursday night and didn't end up leaving until just now...
We were supposed to hang out Thursday and he had planned to head back to his own place Friday morning.
Yeah... that didn't happen. :)
I'm glad he didn't leave. I always feel lonely when I'm alone in my apartment on weekends, especially after spending so much one-on-one time with him.
It was good. It was a fun weekend. We did have our moments of seriousness... we talked. We had our moments of silliness and fun. We had lots of sex... this included a condom run at 3 am last night. Just the two of us, somewhat disheveled, me half in my pajamas and a pair of jeans thrown on, him with his facial hair growing in, at the 7/11 with the drunk club goers. Somewhere in there we also tried to study for our final exams.
Hopefully I'll never need proof that he really cares about me again. No more insecurity.
8:24 PM
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
I want to tell him! I want to tell him!I just don't think I can contain it.
But of course these thoughts come when I'm not actually with him. When I'm with him - who knows, I'll probably lose my nerve.
Because I know he most very likely doesn't feel the same way - not at this point in time. So there is the big issue of it being awkward afterwards.
Now that I can recognize love in myself, I realize that I did love RGuy. Just not in the same way. But now that I recognize love, I can see that I have felt this before. Isn't that strange? Maybe love is a gradient afterall - but it takes a threshold amount to actually recognize it.
10:04 PM
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Yes I am an emotional person.I am strong, but I am definitely emotional.
Even RGuy knew this.
Perhaps I am strong because I express my emotions? And I try to recognize them for what they are. And I try to make myself better - I try to make myself survive.
Oh yeah - the other key is that I dump my emotions into this blog. I can't let them stew inside of me.
11:46 AM
Monday, April 10, 2006
I know for the last few days I've been very crazy.And I recognize it and I apologize for it.
And I feel better now.
And it's because he called me! And I know that makes me lame. That a simple phone call can bring me back to earth and make everything all right again.
But talking to him, just hearing his voice and all, it just normalizes everything again. Makes me put things into perspective.
And I did sorta tell him that I was sad - and that I was thinking about stuff. He told me not to worry and to just focus on exams for now - which is the exact same advice my old high school best friend told me when I called her in tears. I did make him promise me that we would talk about things before he left - and he said of course. He told me to stop being such a worry wart.
Which is such a comfort. Because that indicates to me that he has an optimistic outlook on things.
I guess my biggest worry was that he would want to break up once the summer came - but based on what he's said so far (which isn't much) it seems like that isn't the case, or at least it hasn't occured to him.
Phew.
10:51 PM
You'll have to forgive me for obsessing. Let me put my disclaimer out there again that this is my diary where I write down the things that I cannot say in real life. So yes, there is more to me than just my obsessions.
I want to put a positive spin on this by writing things down. I will write down the reasons why I know he likes me.
He's affectionate. He holds my hand. Walking down the street, sitting in the theatre. He cuddles me in the morning. How happy does it make me when he throws his arm and leg around me? It makes me freaking ecstatically happy.
He does romantic things for me. Like he plays his slow jams on his computer when I'm over, he bought candles to set the mood. He sent me four candygrams on Vday.
He takes care of me. He makes me dinner. He pays for things. He fixed my purse. He taught me how to use a stud finder so I can install my shelves in my room at home this summer.
He smiles at me. Across the room if I catch his eye we will raise our eyebrows at eachother... which makes us laugh and smile.
He knows me. He knows my body yes, but he also knows how I work - emotionally etc. He knows that I am idealistic and that I hate to have conflicts with people.
He calls me. He likes to come over and see me. He'll call me when he wants to do things like eat out or see a movie. Okay he doesn't call everyday, but he does call.
He tries to comfort me. I told him I was sad and lonely. He told me that he watches movies when he feels sad. Maybe he was doing this in order to prepare me for the future, when he won't be around, geographically and perhaps emotionally.
12:32 AM
Sunday, April 09, 2006
I was discussing my dilemma with my roomies.And we started confessing our fears.
One fear that was put out there was the fear of dying alone.
My fear, the one that I confessed, was that I was scared that I would never find someone that I will like as much as I like S now.
9:37 PM
I can't explain the way I feel.
What makes S so different?
Is it lust (we do have this sexual chemistry)? Is it because he's so freaking good looking (yes he so happens to be the best looking guy I've been in a relationship with)? Is it his height (the only other guy I dated that was a comparable height was Tim)?
What is it about him that makes me love him?
Is it the way he treats me? He takes care of me. He pays for things. He fixes things for me. He's tender with me.
Is it because we have so much in common? We both take care of ourselves, physically, by eating super healthy and working out. We are both good kids from somewhat conservative families.
Is it because he has pretty good taste in movies? This is actually important to me. It shows me he has a brain.
I can't explain it. Do these factors really mean anything?
What makes someone love another?
6:17 PM
Part of me thinks I am so stupid for getting involved with S.
But it wasn't really preventable.
It was like a stone rolling down a hill... picking up speed as it went down.
I could not stop it.
How could I say no?
How could I say no with every instinct and every desire pointing at saying yes?
So I am in this dilemma. Where I know I like this guy waaaaay too much. Where I know that I only want more and more from him.
But I know even if he wanted to give me everything I want, it still wouldn't be possible.
I am perfectly set up for heartbreak. How does the saying go? A sitting duck? Shooting fish in a barrel?
12:31 PM
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Yes I'm blogging a lot today - it's because I'm feeling particularly lonely and this blog is a dumping ground for my miscellaneous thoughts and obsessions.Final exams are starting.
It's a tough place to be.
I have to be studying - a lot. These finals are crucial especially since it's been an ugly year.
But I'm feeling so vulnerable with my relationship with S, that I just want to spend more and more time with him. I just want his company. I just want to be happy.
It's a tough place to be.
The moment finals are done, there will probably be a crazy celebration the last day of exams. And pretty much the day after I have to move back home. And a few days after that... so will he. The difference is, my home is 1/2 an hour away. His home is several provinces away - a different freaking time zone. That leaves pretty much next to no time for us to just spend time together. This sucks so much.
11:45 PM
Ugh... I'm a loser. I need to stop building stuff up only to realize, once again, that my expectations were too high.
I felt the need to distract myself from my loneliness.
So I called S... I wanted moments of happiness, laughing, comfort, company.
It was not the most exciting conversation. He was tired, but willing to talk. In the end we didn't really have any of those moments, more like moments of talking about how we should be studying and focusing more.
But it is a dose of reality. Now I can go back to trying to get stuff done.
10:01 PM
This is awesome: http://www.pandora.com/
Plug in a song or artist you like, and it will play music that they think you'll like based on your selection. I put in Erykah Badu and it played all this great R&B music.
9:56 PM
I had to do laundry at a public laundromat for the first time today. It was okay actually. It took a bit of effort and the help of a stranger to figure things out, but it all worked in the end.
It was actually quite peaceful. It was sorta soothing to watch the clothes in cycle, spinning around and around.
I came back and just nested. Put away the laundry, swept the floors, organized my clutter.
I wish my life came with a manual. I wish that it was possible to be more optimistic about things with S. I wish I didn't feel so alone right now.
6:25 PM
Okay I think I've calmed down a bit.
Even though I already said that I "know" I love him, part of me doubts still.
Do I know what love is?
Roles are reversed here. I used to be the one in control, the one who was detached and less emotional. Now? I am fitting all the stereotypes of being the "girl" in the relationship. The one that wants intimacy. The one that wants commitment. Argh... I don't like being the girl in the relationship.
4:06 PM
I'm f*cking terrified.
I just got back home from a night over at S's. And I feel so incredibly lonely now. And I had to resist the urge to call him right away.
And I cannot blame this on being sleep deprived and therefore emotional and sensitive. Because I got a lot of sleep this morning.
But I love him. I know it for sure now.
And it hurts. Because this will not be easy. I am destined to be heartbroken.
He will either leave me because he's freaked out that I love him. And even if he doesn't leave me for that reason, he will have to leave me anyway because he'll be moving back home for four months this summer. And even if that doesn't happen, he will have to leave anyways because he could never take a relationship with me seriously because of our cultural and religious differences.
The question is now - do I tell him?
Maybe that song "I'm Still In Love With You" by Sean Paul should be our theme song:
The girl sings....
"Boy you make me holler
Boy you make me sweat and
I can't get your tenderness
Still I can't get you off my mind
What is it about you baby?"
"I love you baby
You don’t know how to love me...
I don’t know why
I love you baby"
And Sean Paul responds:
"A true me give her tug love and say bye...
Me turn around she ask the question why...
When me leaving me see the gal cry...
And it hurts my heart to tell lie...
So don’t cry no more
Baby girl for sure
Just remember the good times we had before"
3:06 PM
Thursday, April 06, 2006
I'm just staring at the swirly shapes forming on the surface of my coffee. The sun is shining through my window.I feel so incredibly content.
Is it because I got to sleep in today?
Is it because I did pilates this morning and the endorphins are still running through my veins?
Is it because I'm getting my caffiene fix right at this moment? I am that addicted to it.
Maybe it is S. I am so comfortable and happy with where I am with him right now.
I know it will be a beautiful summer. Filled with clear, bright days and weekends to fill with plans. I only wish that he would be here to share it with me.
1:52 PM
I can still taste him in my mouth. I know what those lips taste like. I know what they feel like. I know he's in control.
12:20 AM
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
We are not normal.We are carnal.
He said that we should be locked up in a room together.
When there is tension in the air (not the bad kind), we can barely have a normal conversation. Much more is being said between our eyes, between our gestures and body language.
I love it.
9:47 PM
Okay so I would like to share some lessons that I have learned.
When your life suddenly gets itself into a sticky situation:
- You cannot assume that being a generally nice and altruistic person will buy you a "get out of jail free" card. People will judge you without really trying to be in your shoes.
- You cannot assume that people will be understanding. Because not everyone will be, and it will be a struggle for you. It will hurt especially when it is someone you care about.
That is all.
Perhaps I'm feeling extra jaded, bitter and angry now because I am so sleep deprived. I'm gonna take a nap.
6:30 PM
Monday, April 03, 2006
Yes I am small - and that is not unusual for an asian girl.Ever since high school, I've sorta noticed something.
Guys like to pick me up. Literally. I don't mean asking for my number (although that does happen from time to time), but I mean physically taking me and lifting me off my feet.
I think it makes them feel powerful. That they can easily lift and move a whole person. Me.
Usually they scoop me up, knees draped over one arm, my back supported with the other arm, and I usually have to hang on with my arms around their neck. It's kinda fun, I liked it in high school. Sometimes it was annoying because it was a loss of control for me, but the attention was always nice.
Alternatively, guys like to put their hands on my waist and hoist me up to a height e.g. perched on a counter or whatever, even though usually I could prob ably easily hop up on my own. S does this sometimes. I don't mind... this probably has something to do with my intense attraction to him. Hmm...
10:16 PM
Yeah so my life has been a bit of a disaster since boxing day.
And I admit that I've made mistakes.
I've been a little too honest:
- Told RGuy too much about S and me
- Confided in certain people that I shouldn't have trusted
- Been a little less than discrete with my own private business
I've been a little too emotional:
- Should not have let things get to me
- Should not have thought that my sister and my cousin would stand by me no matter what
- Should not have assumed that everyone would understand
- I should not include vengeance in my plans
It's been hard. Many lessons have been learned. I am trying to get out of this relatively unscathed.
People have told me that I'm strong. Am I really? Perhaps. I refuse to let it beat me. I refuse to let it ruin me. As long as I can take it, I will handle as much as I can. My threshold has hopefully been stretched out, and not filled up.
And this is also why I'm grateful to my friends that have stood by me. I know who I can trust now. I know who I can turn to, and I know who accepts me for who I am, and lets me be a mess when I need to be. Thank you so much.
8:12 PM
Suddenly I have this fear of being heartbroken.
I need for S to know, that I need him to take care of my feelings. He's already broken my heart once, he can't do it again. Please no.
With respect to RGuy, I need to cut my losses and move on. That includes any possibility of a friendship with him, and all the "friends" I knew that were associated with him.
I just don't want to be hurt again. Just the idea makes me exhausted and it makes me want to crawl under the sheets and never come out again. I just hate that me and my heart are so f*cking vulnerable.
6:09 PM
