♥
Who am I?
Erica *
Inkgurl *
Make-out bandit *
Caffeine junkie *
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About this:
Diary blog *
Relationships *
Heartbreak *
Sex *
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e y e s
s p a r k l e
f l i r t
b l o g
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Even though I've calmed down a lot about S, I still feel some lingering heartbreak.I don't even know how much he really likes me. Or if he's just doing me a favour by potentially being with me in September. Or if he's just with me for the sex. And he's just too nice to be overt about it.
And of course the reality that he can't be with me, or I'm not enough for him to even consider leaving his family behind for. And of course that would be a lot to ask. It's not fair for anyone to have to make that decision.
And also the possibility that things will fade out. He'll grow bored with emails and phone calls. As the days of summers pass by, who knows what will happen. Maybe he'll meet someone else. Maybe I will too. Maybe he will and I won't. Maybe it'll just fizzle out. And maybe that will be a new wound all in itself.
11:05 PM
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
I miss S.And at the same time I can't believe my stupidity when I say and think stuff like that.
And also still at the same time, part of me still thinks that the smarter thing to do is to break up with him now. So that I can move on. And hopefully things would be fine in September, that we would still be friends. And then it wouldn't be so f*cking painful to say good bye again.
But I can't help it. I miss him. I wish he was here now.
11:27 PM
Monday, May 29, 2006
I'll always remember our first kiss. It was magical. It was surreal. It was perfect and exciting. The way your lips and tongue felt. Soft... new... it was our desire worked up over months finally culminating in one spontaneous moment.I'll always remember the way you looked the first time you saw me naked. That look of awe on your beautiful face. The look in your eyes as you glanced down. Like you almost didn't know what to do with me (but you did). Like you couldn't believe your luck.
I'll always remember the way you looked the last time I saw you. Again a look in your eyes. As I walked away from you, I looked back... and you looked back at me as you turned to return to your house. The feeling of despair and anguish and desire. The resignation.
10:49 PM
I just watched Before Sunrise - that move with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.
And it was good. Romantic.
And so appropriate. I'm off to Europe in less than a month - and I'm in this ambiguous situation in my love life.
And their good bye scene. Heartbreaking.
They had even less time to say good bye than S and I - but not that much less actually. They had also waited til the last minute to address what they really needed to address for themselves.
And I had the same oh god feeling... the same panic that this is realy it. I wanted to cry for them.
9:18 PM
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Can I confess something?The pyjamas I wore on the last night I spent with S? I've kept them in the same plastic bag that I had stashed them in on that last morning. They are this cute cotton camisole and shorts set. Yellow floral pattern, a tiny green frog embroidered on the hem of the shorts. And I haven't washed them yet.
Because they had smelled like S. They smelled like his bedroom, like his sheets. And so I didn't throw them in with the rest of my laundry.
I wanted to hold on to that smell. And every now and then, when I thought of it, I would take them out of the bag and smell them. And the memories of the nights I spent with S would flood back.
And just now. I smelled them. And the smell is mostly gone. And that made me cry.
10:57 PM
So yeah things are good with S. Keeping in touch has been good (granted, it's only been 2 weeks). The connection is still strong.
So I feel okay about everything.
But is it because I've accepted the situation and I'm okay with it, or is it because I've regressed back into thinking that he's really mine?
The same things that he's mentioned before probably still apply. They probably still stand.
And yet I don't want to let go yet.
Went clubbing last night. And didn't see anyone worth leaving S for.
This song... Moka Only's "Once Again" - this could be S and me. Well S isn't as blunt, but the sentiment is probably the same. How do guys do that? Why aren't I able to do it?
11:48 AM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
We've been talking on the phone... he's called me twice. Once on Monday - and we talked for about an hour and a half. The second time was Wednesday night, and it was to ask me stuff about school - we talked for 25 minutes.He told me he's been downloading music. He listed songs that he's downloaded - and one of the songs included my "sad" song - Train's "Give Myself To You."
He played it for me on the phone and asked if I could hear it. After I recognized it, he played me Vivian Green's "I Like It" - a song he had heard on my playlist and had liked, and subsequently downloaded. I exclaimed "You're playing my songs!"
I wonder. I wonder why he downloaded my sad song. It's a pop song - sorta leaning on the adult contemporary cheesy side. When I first played it for him, his immediate reaction was "What the heck is this?" But I like it. The song made me cry in front of him - the tears had started rolling down my face as I leaned against him.
The song is not his style. He's into hip hop and rap. Tupac is his hero.
So I wonder.
Did he download it to try to understand why it made me cry? Did he download it to try to understand me? Is he thinking about what the song means?
1:48 AM
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
My heartbreak is compound:First... my heart is broken because I am separated, might as well be broken up with, the man I've fallen in love with for no good reason. Things were going so well, and abruptly it is good bye.
Second... my heart is broken because even if we were together now, the relationship is doomed - again for no good reason. Geography, religion, culture.
So how to deal?
I thought I would have my first cry free day today. Felt okay for the most part as I was driving home - no break down. But then I did tear up a little - two tears - one for each eye. Then the break down came later on, when I was at home.
Maybe tomorrow will be my first cry free day...
6:58 PM
Monday, May 15, 2006
First day of work today.Was brutal. Tried to focus on stuff, but it was hard not to keep my mind from wandering. Managed to keep my sh*t together though.
Until the drive home.
I guess it was all built up from holding it in all day. I just had a break down. Started sobbing in rush hour traffic. Who knows who saw me. But I got home safely regardless.
I want him. This is so unfair. Why isn't love enough? Why isn't it enough?
6:06 PM
My mom: You look tired.
Me: I'm am tired - haven't been sleeping much lately because of exams.
(Thinking: The truth is I've been crying all day)
Sister: Yeah you've got these bags under your eyes. You should use concealer.
(Thinking: Kill me now)
12:25 AM
Sunday, May 14, 2006
He made me promise that I would go for whatever opportunities came up for me this summer.I made him promise that he would always tell me the truth. To not be unnecessarily cruel, but to be straight.
I didn't know that the last time we had sex would be the last time. I thought we would have more time - in the morning or whatnot. But there was no time.
He told me to take care of myself. No more tears. Don't let some guy hurt me. Be strong. Have fun. I would have work. I would have working out. I would have pilates. I would have Europe.
We said we would stay together for now. And see what happens. If opportunities come up we should take it. And we'll see in September.
If things do come up in the summer, that means that today will have been our last day together. And the thought of that drives me out of my mind. I didn't want today to be our official good bye. Just good bye for now.
I was crying. He called me his sniffly baby.
I told him that when I had told him I loved him that I didn't want him to think that I only told him because I expected him to say it back. Because I didn't. I told him because I didn't want to regret not saying it.
He told me he still felt the same way that he had the last time we had talked. His mind was set. I guess he was refering to going back home after graduation. And marrying a Sikh girl down the road. And me being an Ontario only thing.
I told him I would miss him. He said he would miss me too.
I told him to call me one more time before he got on the plane. Tonight or tomorrow night. I told him to keep in touch. MSN. Email. Texting. Maybe the occasional phone call.
And I told him he was beautiful. One last time before he left.
I helped him carry things from his room to the moving truck. And we were out on the street and we said good bye. He gave me two kisses. They were short, but sweet - and full of meaning.
7:55 PM
Friday, May 12, 2006
I feel calmer now. Perhaps out of tears? Or maybe just finally focusing on the exam I'll be starting in an hour?8:27 AM
Why am I so terrified? After my break up with RGuy, I was prepared and relieved to be single. The original idea was to be single for at least 6 months - I didn't think that I would want or even be ready to date until then.
Then S came along. And then I realized that he was the one for me - or at least that's how I feel right now.
1:55 AM
Thursday, May 11, 2006
I think I am so terrified because my life is not exactly where I want it to be.It's unsettled.
I am terrified because I cannot see where I am going. Or what I can see, I don't think I like.
I want S. I want S in Ontario. I want him to love me. I want to have my life with him here. Or I want to have my life with him wherever he is.
Maybe my heart would stop sinking if I thought that was possible.
10:52 PM
I realize that one of the things that makes me feel better is imagining that we are not actually breaking up.
I've been thinking of him leaving as essentially a break up. Good bye.
But if I imagine that we are staying together, it makes me feel a bit better.
These are all details we haven't really worked out yet.
But is it stupid to hold on? Should it be ripped off like a band aid? There is also the possibility of things just fading out this summer - would that be less painful?
8:36 PM
I'm in so much pain I'm going to puke.
Now I understand why people do crazy things when they are in love.
Just the feeling that I'll do anything to relieve this unbearable pain. Anything if I could just keep him.
The pain that makes me sob so hard that my face freezes and I feel like I will stop breathing.
I don't want to say good bye. I don't want to say good bye.
8:09 PM
I'm not that strong. I may seem strong sometimes, but really I'm not.
7:05 PM
I've gotten used to it and I haven't.
So f*cking painful.
I try not to cry. He tells me not to cry. No more tears. But I can't repress them either. They need to come out.
So painful, so painful.
I've become one of those stories. Of the girl who is with a guy she can't have, and instead of leaving and moving on, she holds on. She can't let go. And no one else understands why she doesn't leave. Everyone thinks she's crazy and weak.
I'm so gone.
At what point could I have stopped? From the very beginning it was like a boulder rolling down a hill, picking up more and more momentum. What happened was almost inevitable.
Maybe if I had never kissed him at the club in Montreal.
So much pain. So painful.
So here I am with him now. Last exam is tomorrow. Last night together on Saturday. Then I move home on Sunday. He will then move to his home across the country Monday or Tuesday.
And I am trying to savour these last days.
And I appreciate that these may be the last days period. Because there are no guarantees for September. And even if there were, would it not be stupid of me to still try to be involved?
5:52 PM
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Trying to get a good perspective on things. And I'm okay. Then I'll just have those moments when I suddenly start sobbing. But hopefully those will slow down.I can't help but wonder if things would be different if I was the same religion/background.
I can't help but wonder if things would be different if he was from the same province as me.
I also can't help but wonder if things would be different if he was in love with me.
I wonder if he wasn't leaving so soon, or if we had officially hooked up earlier, if he would have eventually fallen in love with me. Perhaps if we had a few more months of going on the same way that we have been. Who knows.
12:02 AM
Monday, May 08, 2006
It's so complicated. Why is love so f*cking complicated??6:47 PM
The first hour or two was torture. Being in the same room, in such close proximity to this man I had fallen so hard for. Knowing I could touch him now, but it was all very definitely a temporary thing. It was unbearable. I could touch him, I could kiss him, but none of it was mine to keep.
I think he was trying to make me feel better by being silly and making jokes. And I was trying so hard.
It got better later though. I started trying to distance myself emotionally. Allowing myself to see him as less than perfect. He continued to be as affectionate as ever.
But I know that part of that is just a show, just my outer shell. It is all very painful. But I can try to start to heal now.
4:54 PM
S is in the shower right now, so let me take this moment to update.
I basically made him make things clear for me.
I'll start from the beginning. We were stressing over exams - and he put on a song that he plays when he feels stressed - his "sad" song. And then I wanted to play my sad song. I put on Train's "Give Myself To You" - and as we were listening to it, I started to cry again.
"Do you care about me?"
"Of course I do."
I asked him. What will happen this summer? Do you feel optimistic?
And he said "I don't see why not"
And I said the more honest you are with me, the easier you will make it for both of us.
I tried to go back to studying, but he was watching me try to dry my tears. We watched eachother for a few minutes. I asked him, are you worried about me? He said yes, to see me cry, he didn't want to see me hurt. We hugged. And the tears started to flow again.
I asked "Am I only ever going to be your girl in Ontario?"
And he was silent. I told him, that if he didn't know, that was fine. He didn't have to answer me. But if he did know, that he should let me know.
He didn't know what to say. Because he didn't know how to say it.
But basically he said "I don't know if I see us working outside of Ontario"
He hated to see me cry, and for him to leave and come back, only to leave again, he didn't want to hurt me.
I told him how when I realized I loved him, I was bawling all night. Because I knew I couldn't ever really have him. I just needed him to confirm it for me.
He did tell me that he likes me a lot.
I said I would use the summer to get perspective. And that I wanted to be together at least until he left. And that in September we would see.
12:34 AM
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I think I am too hormonal - or too manic - who knows.But I am back to being calm.
I can recognize that the situation is not great - but I do have a hint of optimism.
4:13 PM
When I'm in one of these moods - these lonely moods - I go on MSN and reach out...
And it usually helps.
Friends are good.
I should feel lucky to have them.
12:32 AM
Friday, May 05, 2006
I did yoga - to try to get the endorphins going. It wasn't enough.How do I fill this hole?
I try to chalk this all up to being in exams and being stressed. But I don't really know if maybe I have a real problem.
9:34 PM
Why am I so prone to loneliness?
It can be overwhelming sometimes.
Why do I need constant company? Is it a sign of insecurity? Why do I feel like I'll disappear off the face of the earth - that people will forget about me? Why do I feel invisible when I am alone?
I have somehow turned into one of those 24/7 people - where I need to be around S all the time, and the moment I'm not, I miss him desperately. What will happen this summer?
I used to be so good at being alone - I enjoyed it. But I guess back then I had the security of RGuy there for me whenever I needed him. He was always there. He was always there to spend weekends with me.
With S, there is no such security - and even though I see him most days of the week - there are no guarantees.
7:01 PM
I spoke to my sister today. I just needed someone to talk to.
And it was good - I feel better - mostly because I got stuff off my chest. About RGuy... about S.
And we were able to break down other stuff that had happened between us - I mean between me and my sister.
As much as she drives me crazy sometimes - like seriously up the wall - in the end she is my sister. And she is there for me - even if I doubt it sometimes - in the end she is there for me.
2:41 AM
Thursday, May 04, 2006
F*ck me.I thought I had calmed down about this whole thing.
After I had spoken to S about us, about the whole long distance thing, I found that I didn't stress about it at all afterwards. The whole summer thing didn't bother me at all.
But now, the whole freaking out thing has returned. I feel nauseous thinking about saying good bye. I don't want things to fizzle, but I can't help but feel like it will take a miracle to keep us together. I just have this sinking feeling in my heart - and I know it's the feeling of my heart breaking.
I just love him so much.
10:46 PM
I guess I really am getting to know myself - which is what happens in your twenties, right? And I'm starting to realize that I'm not all sugar and sunshine and sweetness.
I'm self-absorbed often (much like my idol Carrie Bradshaw) - not that a I'm not a considerate person, but I am self-obsessed and I love to talk about myself and my problems. Hopefully my empathetic side balances this out somewhat.
I'm also too impulsive. I know it can sometimes be charming and quirky, but it also often crosses the line into stupidity and doing and saying things that I regret later on.
I also have my bitter side - where I have a hard time forgiving people once I am mad at them ("my good opinion once lost, is lost forever"). I rarely outright hate someone, but once I do, just the thought of them brings out my really ugly, angry side.
9:46 PM
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
As of today, I am officially in the 2nd longest relationship of my life.12:15 PM
Monday, May 01, 2006
S had this funny analogy for when we were at the library a few nights ago.He compared himself to a baby who sees a bottle of milk and wants it. But because the baby can't have the milk he gets all irritable "and sh*t."
So we were all trying to focus and study, and he kept looking over and bugging me - baby wanted his milk. =P
10:52 PM
Ok wait there is something to write about.
So I've been off limits lately because I just began my period. But we've been spending a lot of time together too.
We were sorta doing this thing where we were teasing eachother a little. Trying to see who could handle it more. Who was easier to turn on.
Yesterday, in the morning I think it was, we were changing, getting ready to go out to study. I had already admitted defeat in our little game - I have way more erogenous zones - my nerves know no refractory period. I pulled off my pj top, my back to him. I was wearing only my pj bottoms, which are these completely unsexy paisley pants - I wouldn't even call them cute because they're saggy.
I'm starting to pull a bra on.
All of a sudden he's behind me. And we start struggling. I'm trying to put my bra on and get the hooks hooked, and he's trying to pull it off me. Of course he overpowers me...
I don't really remember what happened, but I somehow ended up against my closet door, and the bra is half off... and I give up - and the bra falls to the ground.
I just remember a lot of heavy breathing and S keeping me against the door. His hands found their way to my waist... the area right before my hips start to curve out. He knows how to make me gasp without even taking my paisley pyjama bottoms off.
It was hot.
12:33 PM
When things are going well I have nothing to write about... I tried to put something down, but it always ends up sounding too forced. The muse is gone... for now.
12:27 PM
